I remember the days I swallowed my pride, to text wood, to show him lots of sincerity. To show him that I'll be waiting. I care, and I'm here if he needs me.

I get short replies. "K" or just "Seen". Seen without replies is a reply itself. It's another way of saying "I don't give a fuck about how you feel so look at me not bothering, and stop texting me".

He was such a dick. Sometimes I don't even get affected anymore. It's like it doesn't hurt so much. But no, what fuck. It hurts damn much.

He must be busy. He must be having exams. He must be having discussions. He must be stressed. He must be tired. I'm probably bothering him like crazy. Yeah. He's not that mean, I know him. He's not like that. Stress makes him like that. He'll be nice when he chills amd get some rest.

Haha loads of bullshit I've said to myself just to make myself feel slightly better. Guess what? No. Nope. I know what he does in the weekends. He goes for movie marathons at home. Still, the same attitude. Wood hated me, he can't handle my bullshit, so he K'ed me. He want me to fuck off immediately.

Sometimes I thought he used to be selfish. It's very funny. You want a secure future for us, so you treat me like crap. Ohhhh legit reason, hahaha. So go on, secure your future. At the same time, screw up mine. Hahahha.

But what did I expect? I'd like to think, being busy isn't an excuse to be an asshole.

Like you could've told me in one sentence.

Hey I'm busy these few months and I wont reply you in seconds.

Something like that will do. Remember half blood prince? I have no idea how he lives, but he replies messages about six hours later. It confused me but I got used to it. That's no problem for me.

You could've told me, hey I still want you, but we had a hard time for the past few months so I just wanna think things out and hope then we can improve.

Well you didn't. You left me all alone to think, to fuck myself up, to become this piece of shit that has NO TENDENCY TO LIVE NORMALLY ANYMORE. Hahaha. And you regret. You could've told me what you were thinking. But you fucking made me lost all this hope.

I think history might repeat itself. Hah.

Guess what, moon. You could just give up on me. Cuz I would assume. I would sense some changes in your tone, then fuck myself up. I would feel that you're tired of me, like I'm tired of myself. I would want you to go away. Leave and just stay happy, without that tone changed. Cuz you're better off without the presence of me. You don't have to say anything. I'll feel it.

I used to think telling you stuff works. it doesn't work anymore. Cuz you don't care. You'd wait until the my craziness ends. You'd leave me alone to fuck myself up even if it's because of you. And I hate that.

I wish I don't care. I don't wanna care. I don't wanna give any shit when I sense any change in tone. I don't wanna give shit when one day you get tired and leaves.

I'm half dead, cuz I still do, go crazy at times. I want to be completely dead, so I can bare with any of you temporary people leaving my life! I want to don't give shit. Is that so hard?

I don't want my bed anymore. I don't want to just lie in bed and let the thoughts drown me. I want to be happy. I want to just say "fuck this, fuck that." Then let the shits happen, but I can't.

I wasted enough of your time, money and effort. I wasted your youth. I gave you slight hope. And I'm sorry about that. I should've known best, that I don't know how to be with someone anymore.

Leave. All of you, leave.

Let me alone, free me. Please?

It's so cold. Is it me? Or it's just the weather today. My head hurts so much I think something died inside. I'm not joking. It's like whenever you hit that part in your elbow. Yeah what fuck is that.

Pineapple came to my place, today. Ahh she's so cute. She hasn't been to my place for so many years, I can't even count. I actually asked if grandma remembers her, but she kinda forgotten her name. Prettt sure she remembers her face. Gonna ask her that tomorrow. Then she asked about us. Hahahhah it's so crazy. She asks bout wood and I from time to time, sometimes I say we're cool, sometimes I say we're not friends. I think this is the final conclusion, we're not friends anymore.

*Showed the final few words in our convo*
"This is so sad, did you cry? I wanns cry."
"I know... But nah I didn't. " I'm heartless.
It's no choice. He does the things I hate, unintentionally. I didn't want to cut him off, but it's probably a must. I hated whenever he tells me to change. If you love me, why can't you accept me? If I had the heart I have now, I would be the one breaking up with him. Without mercy, I wouldn't let him make me do things, I wouldn't let him kill my self respect.

No one does that. No one. Do you have a problem about me? Fine. Go. Do you have a problem about anything I do, the way I live? Do you have any idea how much I hate people? Truth is, it's conflicting. I like to be with people, but I don't like to trust any of you. Judge me. Judge. The voices said, they don't even care. He doesn't care. Yeah. They're right, he doesn't. Go on. I'm so fucked up. Do you know? Do you know how fucked up I am?

What about from now on I just stop. I stop going out. I'll take a break from you judging humans. I'll let the voices take over. Tell someone she needs to smile more. Do you have the rights to say that? Do you have any idea what she had and is going through? If not the stfu. If not, then stop judging.

Wait, where was I? Hah oh right pineapple actually came then we went to the courts together. It was so jam. I think we were abt five mins late. Yup. There goes, badminton. Badminton is love. But not when you couldn't do the things you try to do... It actually sucks. It's like all my energy has been drained. It's like I hasn't been sleeping for days, so I couldn't hit it the base. I couldn't smash, the sound is different. I suck. It's terrible. Badminton is love, but playing it like a newbie is not love anymore. 
It's alright. The serves did get better, so does the drops. It got better at the end, when I gave up. Wow, it gets better when I give up? What is life? Why do things get better when i give up? In the game, and in that finished relationship. What is wrong with my life?

We went for supper. I honestly thought I was really full. Pineapple was hungry. Damn, I don't remember her appetite being this good.

Honestly you can call shotgun. I don't mind. You called shotgun when wood was driving. You have no idea how shit I felt. Haha. But that was ok, cuz potatoes will be potatoes. I accept that. I have to admit. I was really really jealous at you. I duno why, I don't even talk when wood was there, and you were there. Seeing you two strike conversations easily was painful. But haha I don't care anymore.

Do I care?

I don't like the idea of bringing you out with these guys. I know, ET should be a good guy. Loong I guess too? But I'm not sure bout pan. He was interested in you. It worries me, what's going to happen. I guess you liked that. Being wild.and carefree. But you're out with me, so I'm responsible for your safety. Gosh. Your parents trust me so much and I bring you to the people that brought me to drink. That worries me.

I'm envious, that's all. Nothing much. It's cool how you live that positively. That hyped and happy. Did you know? I appreciate that you still do talk to me, and looked for me when I was at rock bottom. I appreciate that you called me all the way from Melbourne, just to talk to me hahahaa when I got dumped. It was cute. Such an awesome friend. Ohmygod I just can't believe you cancelled on Terence just for me. I thought you love him a lot. That evil monster. Lots of appreciation.

Honestly being with you makes me feel bad about myself. Like very bad. "I have no achievements." I feel you, boy. I feel like everytime there's someone else other than you and I, they judge me. Haha. Of course they do, they always do. What did I expect? Bring someone so (greatly) different from me and expect no comparison? Hahaha what was I thinking. My bad. My bad.

I'm so tired I'm going crazy. I don't have to be sad. I'm heartless. No one cares. Haha. just fucking die. I hate that you people say it out. I suck? Yeah, I know it better than you do, thank you. Yeah, I know I have thiissssss much room for improvement, or maybe, I should learn to love life first? Haha whatever. Thank you for stating some facts that I can't ever change. I can't change. When wood want me to change, he broke up with me.

Do you want me broke up with whatever that's left in my life? Sure. I don't mind. Who cares if I do? Hahah wtf is wrong with everyone. I'm sorry that I suck. I'm a terrible human who's regret for surviving being born to this world. I wish i died so I don't have to face all this bullshit. I wish I get to leave and never come back.

There are times, I choose to talk to someone then regret it. It happens. It happened to yip man, to my closest cousin, and you, moon. When the way you reply doesn't help but make it worse. It's really normal, not your faults. It's just different opinions from people. The voices would say, "They don't care. They're tired of all your bullshit. Stop telling them and swallow it all by yourself, cuz it's your own shit."

Alright...

Very disappointed tho. Very.

Thanks it helped so much. I regret. I regret telling you. Sorry. Just.. I'll try not to anymore.

Last.

So today I went out with friends. Having restless night but waking early for a test. I'm like easily exhausted throughout the trip.

So stalkers. Farewell stalkers. Sorry for putting up an extreme unladylike post before the end.

Maybe he cares, but I hate the way misunderstandings happened. I hate the way my day, my night, my sleep got affected badly. I love that you care, but hate that the way you did it made me shitty. Sorry for scolding you like that. You made me.

So farewell stalkers. Ask me, maybe I'll give some true updates. No matter what, I'm killing this blog. For the sake of my already shattered heart.

Well farewell.

#Spm2015 Chinese

Hell naw.

So today was Chinese. Paper one? As usual, hard as hell. Paper two? Unusually ok. I think. That inspiration was there. That stupid flu was there. Anyway I wrote about a friend's story. The title was "Fly, my young heart". Should be a sweet one. I'm moderately quite satisfied. Idk. And people around me didn't do that title. I hope it's interesting enough to brighten up the examiner's head. It's a perspective from a dad, forcing his daughter to take his business. Daughter wants something else. I guess describing her as a bird trapped in a cage was good enough? Anyway he set her free by letting her follow her heart. :3

So... that's it. It's over.
Someone promised me something. That someone, then called it off.

Ah let's stop..
Be positive.

So it's over. I guess I can start all my plans. Before that, I told mom to take me a pic before I take these off. She didn't. So I asked my sister to help. She can't make me a little photogenic ugh. At the end I took a selfie instead.
This is stupiddd.

Last day of high school. I never climbed the gates, I never scolded that piece of shit. There's lots of shits I've never done, but I'm so fine with it. I guess I've done whatever I could to get close with people I like. I've done whatever I could to make some crazy friendships. High school. The bravest thing I did was giving him a peck. :3 It's over now.

They say loving someone is by choice, not by feelings. Yup. By choice. My plan for the future: Never fall in love anymore.

At least it happened. The most memorable year of all. I'll remember. I'll remember that feeling.  

Back to guitar.

So. In progress of turning life back to normal. I got back to class. A month not touching the guitar, my thick ugly layer of fingertip skins are long gone. Before this pause, my teacher started a new piece with me, that's my second grade 8 exam piece. That time, I successfully played half page without looking. How about now?

Miracles! Haha. Musicians are weird. I played, and stopped at the same spot where I stopped last time. Kinda amused. 😂😂 I remember this part there's a finger-switching.

"if you used the correct way to memorize, then it will stay in your head."

Shit's got crazy.
A week and a half will be camp. He's making me duet with a girl, and lmao my skin's not back yet, never even practiced, perform? Damn. Give me a break.

Wish me luck.

Reset

Okay let's start all over again.
I can't reset my memory but I can reset the way I do things.

It's tomorrow. After tomorrow, Spm's over. I'm gonna keep my head occupied with lots and lots of books. (Fiction, encyclopedia etc yay)

So, I'm underweight. I should workout & gain muscles. xD already thirsty to train back that stamina. Aaaaah.

Haih. I miss eating pizza again. Have you ever imagined eating those super huge pizzas like from Facebook.. one slice is like one large pizza.

Ughh I want thattt.
.......fuck what am I doing.

Ahh I wanna watch horror movies.

Life is boring when exam's over but you still have study mood. I'm gonna get pre U books early.

:D

...

Killer

And so because all of the subjects finished except Chinese, I read a book. Reading speed hasn't decreased yet, but still I gave up the last short story at the behind. It's too hard to continue, cuz it's traditional Chinese and the story is written partially in 文言文 form.

It's the killer series by Giddens. Some of them made me cry like mad. A killer's life could be as sad as hell. Some ended alive, some dead.

He put the gun back into his coat after realizing that his target has lost her sight. They had conversations and kinda became chat mates.
"You're here to kill me, aren't you?"
"Yeah. You're so young, why would someone want to kill you?"
"My fiancee's father hired you."

There's a couple. The guy's parents planned his marriage for business purpose, so their relationship was rejected. He brought her and left. There was an accident, he died but she lost her eyesight.

The truth was, he did not die.

Killer pushed her wheelchair. She asked to stop when she heard that familiar meows.
Her fiancee stood right in front if her, tears trickling down without any sound, releasing the kitten so it went to her.
"Awh I missed you."

"What's your last wish that I can do for you?"
"Meet my fiancee."
And so he pulled the trigger.

"Your smile looks different from the photo."
"I only smile like that when I'm happy."

Why is the world full of sad people

Away

I lied. Told him I'm going to bed, about an hour ago. Once again, yh, don't get close to anyone. Don't let anyone get close to you.

If you talk to me, I'll reply. That's all. If we click, then just be it. That's all. After some time, you'll get bored and stop anyway. I don't mind that at all. This is wrong. This is different. Too many days consecutively. Too weird. They're fake. Who else can't pretend when they wanna hit on someone? Not saying hit or what. They're fake.

Does anyone take opportunities to make friends, unintentionally because the other party is just so friendly? And you're like an asshole, ignoring over and over again, suddenly* Snap! The bond broke.

People get tired that easily. But will they go back? He came back. Will you? Always imagining "miracles", but I don't trust miracles. I don't trust luck. There's no such thing as luck. It's either you're born smart, or you have to work hard to be smart. "Good luck" ? No. Anyway if you are born smart and you use that advantage to beat everyone around you, one day, everyone's gonna beat you, and you suck. You'll fail because everyone's become more successful. They climb high, you had an elevator but you just stopped at second floor. They worked hard while you used your 'genius instinct' to make things work. Are you gonna success with that shitty attitude? No. So it's possible. It's possible to work hard and improve like nobody else's business. It's possible to blow their minds and drop their eyes.

Ah ah out of topic.

But still, why tf am I imagining things like that? Self induced depression comes in every shape and size, it comes in any form, any sec, with any thought. In every conversation, your name blocks my mind. Oh! He...... no I'm not supposed to mention you. Then the whole mood changes, the whole world became dark.

Leave him alone, he's a nice guy.

Our chat used to not have any goodbyes. You only throw me a bye when you're mad. Suddenly, goodbye.

When you feel like a fucking dead corpse, don't get close with people who still have a whole heart.

You're a fucking dead zombie walking through life. Don't drag others down, don't drag them zombie walk with you. Chase them away.

Maybe that's what I'm gonna do.

#Spm2015 biology

So I brought my OKU self to bio. I love this muscle pain xD. Feels more like home.

Paper 1 was extremely satisfying, I think. I thought it was easy but didn't dare to have much confidence before I check the answers. Turned out, yup satisfying!

Paper 2. Oh damn plants. I think some of the questions are weirdly stupid. Why does the watermelon has more seeds than the mango? Are you asking about how it reproduced that made the seeds numerous? Or are you asking so we could write something like uh it adapted so it won't go extinct? There's like so many types of answers I pictured. Ugh. It's so weird.

Paper 3. I kinda almost felt too moodless to study just now. It can't get in. I spent the night, days studying theories but neglected experiments. Ah hell. So I actually borrowed a copy of the whole set of experiments taken from our dear smarty pants. I gave up J tube. Honestly. There wasn't enough time, so fucking panicking, ugh hell. But one first look at the paper gave much hope. I read that before! Dry mass, oven, ohyeahhhfuck.

So overall should be ok. Felt ok. Felt as ok as any exam I ever took. Will it be ok? Ah

So happy it's over... worth it.

Back to court.

Yep my niche is still fucked. Trying to switch back and reset that circadian rhythm hahaha.

Guess what, guess what! I realized that it's not that I get full easily. Dad brought us to this huge portion restaurant. The portion is like.... meals for cows. I ate them all, and still helped my aunt.
So fucking full. So now I'm always 'enough'. Doesn't have to be full. Lol.

Today I ran. It's awesome but not so awesome, because I'm so easily tired, it's not normal anymore. I'm ready for the following muscle pains. :3 I remember someone said "Too long no badminton can kill someone." I almost died.

Thanks for the wait. I knew that you were nice because you're you, not just to hit on me. Hahhaha :3 you're still awesome.
Ah I hope you don't mind that I can't stop calling you that. I'm so used to it, calling your name feels weird. :3 Anyway, add oil for your tests. Let's add oil together.

Have you ever had a mosquito bite on one of your toes, so you use any rough surface to scratch it as hard as you can, then suddenly realized it's not a mosquito bite .😂 it's a freaking cut.
Something's wrong with me. I had a vertical bruise 😂 a strain(at least I think that's what it is)  a cut.

No, no, I didn't self harm to get all these lol. I was just reckless. Hitting here and there. But Idk how I get that cut and strain. How do you get a cut on your little toe? And that left ankle, probably some weird studying position. Luckily it didn't affect running& badminton, just several sitting positions. Weird shits.

XD