Expectations kill. When she's expecting care from her friends, that rejection and those words let her down. It turns a girl who smiles everyday cheerfully, crazily, into a lifeless zombie. When one's missing another crazily, being so excited to tell how much she misses him, one look on the screen brings the mood down. When she expects herself to cope well with her partner, friends, studies and future career, everything's fucked. Nothing can go well. When everything's well, she's tired. And shits happened again. After a long day, a sleep was supposed to heal. Heal the mind, let go of the past, be ready for a new start. That didn't happen.

No more naps. The only thing left is nap. Quit it, then things are settled. Stress killed too. That's why, don't let words bring the mood down. If I feel OK to have a bad nose day, what else could be wrong? Fuck my life. 180+. And now, there's you, there's them, there's studies, instruments, family.. how the fuck do you cope them all? This is fucking tiring.

Tried to nap and end up not waking.
Tried to practice, end up not finishing HW.
Tried to be nice to him, end up losing patience, stressing out in school.
Tried to be nice to everyone, losing concentration.
Tried to study, neglected instruments.
Almost thought I coped all, screw up an easy piece that I've been playing for so long.

Wtf is wrong with my life. I should just gtfo
I suck at being human. I suck at being me. I suck.

压力

压力是一个很可怕的东西。
它可以被传染。
一个传一个，他传给她，
她传给家人，又传给朋友，
朋友传给朋友，又传给自己的家人，
最后，大家都好压力。

其实他传了给她，如果她够坚强够理解，
它就传不下去了。

坚强跟理解 好难喔。

You.

I'm trying so fucking hard to talk to you, nicely. You're busy. You have tests. You're tired. You're pressured, stressful like crazy. I want you to feel better, to rest better. I'm doing whatever's best for you. Why do you have to make it like this!? You asked me to do things most of the time, I try to listen. I know, sometimes, I don't like your decision, I end up very unhappy sometimes, for missing out something I really wanted to do. But it's okay, at least, you don't have to worry. I let you feel okay, I feel okay too. It's your turn. Youte having exams. You need to rest. I wanna go out with you. I really want to. But whenever I fucked up your exams, I feel fucking guilty that sometimes I sat on that fucking chair in the lab, thinking, how your day would be, now. Are you okay? I've seen that pale face of yours, it worries me. It makes me feel fucking uncomfortable cuz I can't do shit bout it! Yeah, in my long messages, I'm trying to say, I hope you rest, or study, or both. I don't wanna take up too much of your time, I'm a fucking distraction. I need to give you time.

Why are you talking like that!? Why!? Am I not doing this for you? Can you think of everyone? Your family, and my family, and yourself! Think for yourself! If you need companion, then okay. I personally feel that I prefer better mentally satisfied than physically. Cuz when I'm fucking sad, I become tired even if I slept for fucking 10 hours.  But you told me, when you're physically tired, you get mentally distracted. whatever that sentence was, you meant that way. That's why you said, throw, do, sleep. I'm being the bad guy here. I know. But you should know what I'm doing! What are those words for! Do you know, when I listen, I wanna turn off WiFi. I wanna leave. I don't get why. Maybe it's because you're stressed. But I'm trying fucking hard to talk to you, so you feel better! Don't you see!? Starting an argument will just make things worse, I know how's it like, I don't want you to be like that! Whatever you say, kills. You kill. You fucking kill.

I love you. I want you to be fine. I'm leaving the convo. Cuz you'll be fine if I left. Amend? That's how I do it. If you're still not happy, then screw it. Whatever you want, okay? If this Sunday you really want me to join, I hope you remember, thats gonna affect bunch of stuff. You, your time, your exams, your physical condition... but it's okay to me. I'm just worried. And guilty. Take care, okay?

委屈

大家都说，是朋友， 是兄弟， 就要有毅气，捣乱了被罚，就大家一起被罚。可是现实中有多少个真的那么做？

身为旁观者，看着事情发生，也许会替那小部分被捉的人感到委屈， 觉得那些一起捣乱的怎么可以静静看着一起犯错的朋友被罚，也什么都不做。

“班长。我要知道， 刚刚发生了什么事？”
“对不起啊老师，我什么都没看到。”

班长他样子如常，完全不像是在说谎。没想到 自己都牵涉的事件也可以这样 就像和自己毫无关系。

身为被捉过的人，我知道，如果是我，我也绝不会把其他牵涉的人 爆料出来。犯了错被捉是应该的。但 就连老师都问了， 还不承认， 这怎么行？

越大 就越觉得，一个人扛 其实很平常。人嘛，都是自私的，彼此彼此。

I have a shitty temper today. Wtf is wrong with me？ I seriously don't know. I'm just tired. Mentally, fucking tired. It's like whenever I say something, I lost patience in one second. I'm harsh. I think I should shut up, so the world can lost my existence, so they live peacefully without my harsh tone. I don't wanna do that. I can't explain myself. I'm just tired.

"You look so stress..."
Each and every word annoyed me. Go away.

A girl cried at school today. Damn, at first I was nervous because I didn't know what to do. Then, I got it. Whenever I cry, I don't want people to know I'm crying. I just wanna hide somewhere and stay alone. Yeah maybe that's what she needs. Panda kept staring at her. Asshole. She needs space, not pairs of eyes staring at her wondering what's going on.

Shitty temper. If I wanna protect you all, I would just shut up until I can talk nicely. It's not your problem. I just don't wanna hurt you. Get me?

I noticed something. I don't have to cover my face, my mouth and everything when I'm bursting. I have my radio. I'm glad I have it. It's so loud it could cover my voices.

I have ajk photoshoot tomorrow. Who gives shit huh? My face, doesn't matter. A corpse doesn't smile. Who cares If her fist is swollen, who cares if her eyes are swollen. I'm useless anyway. I wish I died, one Friday. I wish I die before we break up. At least,maybe I could die while youre still loving me.

At least I don't have to hear you saying goodbye.

Mean

Am I mean?
I guess you're right. It's the first time, I really pointed the middle finger at someone.

"You don't look as Badass as you are.."
"That doesn't look like something someone like you would do."

If you can't accept me forgetting things, being confused all the time,
I don't think I can ever gain your trust.

April.

6/4/15
Today was bothering me. Last night I couldnt sleep, it was a suffocating night. Idk why, but today morning, I think i dont sound OKAY enough, I didnt send a kiss over, that's what bothering me. What if he thinks that my feelings changed? What if he gets so fucking disappointed and we argue again after school? What if this little action hurts him a lot? Shit. I was so fucking regret. Every second at school, couldnt get that off my head. Just need to rush back home and let him know, I didn't mean it.

7/4/15
During the last period, we were having physics. Like... last ten minutes of school, I was thinking so hard, what was the middle three numbers? Why do I suck so badly in memorizing numbers? Honestly Im not sure of lychee's brithday, was it... third, or second of june? And pineapple's? Is it May? Fuck, what kind of friend am I. Yip man xD (sorry, new nickname for you nyeheh), is your birthday at 11 of oct? Damn it. Sorry. What was that three numbers!? I thought I wrote them down in my notebook, where is it! Damnnn I'm so dead. Pn Winnie walked past, ' you abhh, daydreaming again.' Haiz. School ended, was kinda productive. Lychee went to do smtg(ah so slowww!), I waited, impatience like hell. She knows me well, and ignored me being like that. Crossed road, got there. Coco welcomed us with her head sticking out of the backdoor. Borrowed pineapple's phone to try out. Her phone is huge. So not familiar with it. First try, your WA photo didnt appear. Tried to edit a digit, but accidentally dialed it. Well, changed a digit. These are the two most familiar sequence I could squeeze out, from my head. Hadn't got the chance to refresh contacts, her guy's notification popped out. I'm dying.
"Why are you so rush? Is it very urgent?"
"No... I usually tell him whenever I reach home, and anything.. "
They laughed.
"Does your guy has his number?"
"He said no."
Few secs later....
"Omg he asked him."
"WHAT!?" Fuck.

"I'm such a terrible gf." I was so close, from not letting you know. I almost got it right.
We talked about guys. Of course, I talked bout you, she talked bout him, and she,, said she was currently crushless, and talked about studies(ugh, sien). Time flies, just few songs, few topics. Just talked for two hours, Lychee left. At 5. I was supposed to leave at around 4.40. Mom came late, for an hour plus. I know, I suck, I feel really bad about it, I am trying. I know, what you're gonna say. It's like I spent much time practicing, and teacher guessed that I didn't practice at all. It sucks. I know, I'm supposed to inform, earlier. But I'm a human, I'm not in an army, reporting every move whenever, whatever I do. I wanna tell you everything, but cant you accept few lates? It's so hard to live, when missing something scares me, when forgeting something seems like I deserve death sentence. First thing to do when reaching home, what I want, I wanna tell you, how it was at her house, how everything went, would like to know how your day had been, how was your test, everything, not this. Not seeing these. You knew I was at her place. I thought you would understand when you don't hear from me. I felt bad, I want you to know, I realise things on my own, and I don't need you to remind me how I suck that much, I dont need you to emphasize that I Suck that Much. What to do, when teacher still thinks I'm not practicing? I know, I'm  not good enough to him, I will never be good enough for him.

When I spam, I think of things I can't explain myself, I need someone to tell me. Fb always has  bunch of quotes, some relates the situation. I spam, to find someone that can relate myself when I can't even explain, when I dont know what else I can do, what to live for.

What do I want? I want you to understand, I practiced, just give me a little more time.

三年前， 有个朋友说， 我们来玩个游戏。谁可以越长时间不理睬对方， 谁就赢。收到这样一封简讯， 都差点哭了。那时候发现，最害怕一件事， 就是被'已读'。结果还不是发生了。

读书，读大学了，一定越来越忙，越来越辛苦。你压力大，你很无奈，很烦，很忙，我知道。但你知道吗，你说话的语气，每一句，多么多么多么伤，尤其已读，怎样，打算不理我了? 什么都不回复，最伤。几乎可以看得见 未来会是怎么样。你不相信我， 我再解释， 你给的，只是已读。记得吗，我问过你，十年后你还会那么疼我吗? 你说， 会更疼我。你都不理我， 你不相信我。三个月。未来你有了工作，压力会更大。十年后更疼我? 好像越来越被实际了。你为什么要这样......

我发现到，抛开书本，课业，把手机放在钢琴架上，拼命地练，也不会弹得没有表情。脑海中播放回忆，在播放此刻，会舒畅，到无奈。音乐里的无奈好难听，可是，那也是一种表情。手机口哨一响，都会马上检查。每望一次，失望一次，等你等不到，拼命为你制造各种理由。也许你们在讨论明天的事，也许你在读书，你在小水，你在吃东西，也许你压力得很，去打球了。都弹到累了。就算一周见一次，那还好过天天都这样聊。如果和我说话那么烦，你确定我是你要的吗?

你有一个力量，可以把你的心情传到我这里来。我这里，也有事情烦。我以为放学后，一看看你的简讯，小聊几句一切事情都化成空气，但第一幕见到的，都令人更难受。加上你传来的心情，加上日日下雨冷得要命的天气，加上我那超级敏感的笨蛋鼻子，好辛苦好辛苦。我怕我会把手弄得无法再弹。我怕我会疯掉。我怕有一天隐藏不了我那双眼睛。悄悄告诉你。你是唯一 可以改变我的未来的人。小小动作，我就无法练琴， 音乐的路 可能走不下去了， 到时长大了， 我可以做什么?

上线又下线， 你到底在做什么?

开始失去信心了。

When you wanna hide something, a face, an expression,  anything, go to bed, with earphones, max vol. I was in bed, lights off, except my bed light. Sister just got home, I'm glad she didn't noticed anything wrong. She couldn't see me clearly.
"Gonna sleep?"
"Nah, gonna study on bed."

Today was okay. I practiced cantonese at school. Arrogant ass thought I did that because i didnt allow him to understand. Hmm well. Tho he's quite hateful. ... we're still friends. Except when it comes to thaaaat group work. I dont care anymore. I'm clear with that.... discussion means his plans, tho it sucked. Anyway, "you decide, then tell me my part." I can sense him irritTed and frustrating, bout why do i look so uninterested.

I had class extended. I was having study mood, then, dying mood. This isnwhat happens when i play with such mood. Buzzling sounds, snapping sounds, rough and uncontrolled force, no soft tone. Fuck it. And shits in my mind makes it worse. Laughs became cold. Nothing else in the melody. Was reminded abt exam. Maybe, i screw it up, and end up not going along this path. Words mentally break down people, they bring it and it could easilybe brought to one another. I'm so sorry Mr Fung. You said, i seem tired. Uh huh. Mentally.

Never underestimate words. Mentally, physically, it kills. It brings fists to lose control, it makes everything lose control. Breaks skin, breaks people, breaks bones and brings stuff being thrown across the room. But it brings people back to life too. I need a chill pill. Junk food. Damn it. I need time, to remember, it wasnt you. The stress, the pressure, the shits around you are shouting  at me, not you. You'll never do that to me. Right?

Dont you hurt yourself. Be safe. Iloveyou.