.

I have things to say but I don't wanna make you feel hurt or anything. I know, your past gives you phobia. I know. You're just being careful. But do you know, I wanna be careful too? I guess I shouldn't have leaned back, shouldn't have let you hold. I'm scared too. If I'm having confidence but you used the word 'impossible', I don't think it could work anymore. You don't trust me, don't you? 

I'm not pushing you away. Cuz us being too close, makes me imagine stuff. If it's not even gonna happen, I don't wanna imagine them. Expecting the worst, to avoid disappointments. I expected a lot. I think I might go crazy.

Don't make me over think anymore. I thought 2015 is gonna be a crushless, stressless year. I thought there's no boy issues for me. I liked him, cuz I imagined stuff. That was a mistake. I learnt not to over think. That mistake taught me, imagining things will hurt myself. I couldn't get myself out from that grief for a long time. I don't wanna repeat that mistake. That whole period of liking him, sucks. Dying every day.

You know, that's my concern. I don't wanna die everyday next year. Weeks ago I thought I was finally crushless. Well if all these are just useless imaginations, I will live 2015 like this year, I don't want that.

So please. I have to stop leaning, stop hugging your arm during movies, stop all those habits. I'm so so sorry. I really like you, but your insecure makes me feel insecure.
I'm scared that after all these, you leave.
I'm scared that you'll say, it's impossible.
I'm scared that everything end like this while I'm deeply needing you with me.
I'm scared that after school reopens, you forgot me.
I'm scared that you don't want me with you anymore.
I'm scared that you don't want me to be yours anymore....

.

It's great that you could let me see how you're actually thinking. Cuz previous situations taught me not to simply over think. And now that I know, it just proofs that I'm not over thinking.

One thing I'm worrying, is maybe you'll change your mind when school starts. Feeling insecure cuz 'us' are not confirmed yet, and last time I let him held, we didn't end up together. I'm not avoiding you. I thought maybe you can have them when everything's confirmed, when I'm yours.

Don't worry.

没有人跟你说过吗? 你超认真打球的样子 超帅的。 xD That's my first impression of you.

Hey.

I'm worried. I wanted you to stay. Not that I don't want you to stay now,,, I just don't want you to be so tired. I was wrong. If you need to, if you need to work, and study, you're free to do anything you like. I feel sad to see you stress.

I'll be fine alone there. I'm not pushing you away, I love being with you. I thought meeting you once a week is already enough. But never mind, it doesn't matter. I wish you can rest more. Even if you're not there, you already stole my heart anyway. Your words will be with me.

I should have known. I shouldn't let you treat any single meal. We should go to simpler restaurants, it's really not necessary to eat thaat perfectly when we're out. Next yr we won't go out that often. I'll meet you less. If I know how, I would do anything to help.

I miss you too. Tell me when you want me to be yours. I will be, you can have my (freezing) hands any time. It won't go away. I like you more than you imagined. More than I imagined. Be safe. I need you in my life.

We can go out simpler next time, the food doesn't matter much. As long as you're there, I'm happy. I'm happiest with you.

Over

I removed the necklace.

Just now, I stared at my phone. I hung that little keychain that matches with his, for a very very long time, even when after I gave up. That puzzle keychain. I removed it. It's weird when I pull my phone out from my pocket, but can't feel the puzzle. It's weird that I don't look at the necklace and thought, how lucky I was, and flash back to my fifteen year old birthday, and him, giving me that boniest hug. It's weird that I did not have to swipe and find our photo, to keep that smile on my face and feel glad that at least we were close and feel sad for the whole day.

I don't need to do these anymore. My smile will always be on my face. It's weird. Cuz pineapple wants to meet up. She said, badminton, maybe. I have no idea who to invite. She said his name. I felt weird. Cuz. Idk. Two years liking him, I never regretted. He is nice. I still do, think that he's a great guy, just,, he doesn't think the same way, so I let go. It's been two years. Felt long, felt memorable. But I don't delete memories. Memories can't be deleted, it's a lesson. I still don't feel stupid liking him. I just felt stupid to like deeply. And I let go. Or did I completely let go? What's there to think, missing a puzzle.... it's just a habit. But sometimes his name still do, appear in my head, maybe once in a blue moon. And I have to shake the thoughts away, even tho it's not stupid imaginations, just his name. Does that meant that I am not over yet?

My biggest fear, isn't that. My biggest fear, I'm afraid to lose him even tho he's not even mine to lose. That happened, it was weird. I wouldn't accept a guy if I don't like him, even just trial, no way, it's wrong. I remember rejecting one. I know being rejected hurts. But being with him even if I didn't want him, I wouldn't do that, but I actually trust him, I have confidence in this. Those that I imagined, they're not impossible. 

Sis asked do I like him. I didn't answer her. She asked what are his good and bad things. I couldn't answer. I can't think of a bad thing. Good thing? All parts of him is good. She gave me a wicked smile and stopped interviewing. I never put any hope that you'll like me. I deeply remembered how you said that I'm not suitable for your age. I thought I'm lucky enough to go out with you, I don't consider them as "dates" cuz I know you have your girl. And I always told myself. I have to know my position, keep distance, cuz that lucky girl out there wouldn't like her love to go out with another girl. I didn't put hope on this. I made myself believe that I really like you,  but just as a friend. And those stupid imaginations, I would shake them away, as I thought, never imagine things that's not possibly gonna happen. I thought I would be glad to continue to be with you for one last month, and you'll leave, and everything will turn back to normal. Just me, crushless, empty and studies.

Like second week of the month, you're already all over my head. I think about you too often and I thought, I'm so stupid. It's probably because of the competition, and all of me. You told me the song name, I searched, listened, downloaded, and get addicted. And you appear in my head when I'm listening and learning that piano version of the song. And shake my head. I allow me to do this, because it's your last month. And next year it'll be goodbye.

Things changed. I'm excited for whatever's ahead. But also worried.

The puzzle was made matching to his. But I connected it a few times, it was tight, and getting loose each time it connects. Maybe now it's so loose that it can't hold onto another anymore.

Thought

Thought, I could lie to myself so we always be close friends. Thought he didn't even consider me one of his choices. Thought he just likes to watch movies and have fun with me, as a friend.

Since when did I look in the mirror and thought what to wear when going out, while making sure whatever I wear will not repeat and.. be too simple. I'm sure I'll miss him like crazy, I thought, I want to spend the last of the year with him, wisely, so that... idk. I just wanna appreciate my best friend staying here for the last month. But those things he started saying, wasn't usual. It's too much, for a friend. No. No over thinking. I fell before, no more. It hurts. Shake them away.

I might like him more than I can ever imagine.

School reopen

Fak. I'm worried abt school reopen. Super worried. I wish I have 30 hours in my day! Aaaaah.

Time. Yeah I'll take time out for the people worth being with. I'm willing to be free, for them. If I say, I'm busy, means you're not that important yet. Sorry.

For that above,  I don't mean just for my crush or whatever shit. Yeah maybe for my crush. But I'm crushless now. I'll have time for my best friends, lychee, 38 gang classmates, cheese balls, zombie, him and him.

But seriously, I think I shouldn't. Cuz I just can't cope!  I'm dead.

靈感

呵。好久沒用繁體字了。嗯。要開學了。怕了。明年的生活一定很夠力。想到，要跟中一到高一的人同樣時間上課，同樣時間去禮堂，快瘋了！比較希望可以留下的人，全走光光。剩下荔枝。還有鄰座，幾個人而已。她們無法影響我的學業。嗯。我看我要做個書蟲。完全忘記人際關係應該會ok 吧。

雞胸丟了一份工作給我。主席耶。我曾想像過，以為是妄想，結果有可能叻。他媽的。我樣子那麼白痴，主席，行嗎？哈哈。秘書工作，比較放棄了。讓助理搞定自己吧。她做不來，就炒了她。別的事情，喔。美術學會居然在星期一，羽球卻是星期二。我要留兩天，嗎？才不要。可是。美術學會可能可以當上一些瑣碎的小職位。職位重要耶。

鋼琴課給的功課，我都留到隔星期，隔天是鋼琴課，我才做。為什麼呢？因為 他說過，學校老師給了功課，不要在學校做完。回家就忘記了。對啊。去年說的。 :3 原來我一直一直，一直以來都崇拜他了。

永遠不為了一個人，改變取向。我好慶幸沒犯好久以前定下的原則。如果他不參加羽球學會，我也因此不參加，那所有事情都不同了。相信我跟小學最大的不同，就是我在乎別人怎麼看我。

一說，要出去看戲，我就去照鏡子了。他媽的青春痘。我有那麼壓力嗎？明明沒有很遲睡啊。十二點，很遲嗎？痘痘怎麼來的啊？討厭。比起別人給的壓力，我給自己最大壓力了。

加油。他們說，讀音樂可以及格就好。哼。很不是我的風格耶。我拿了這科目，是因為好奇，也是因為要證明自己。證明讀音樂的人，可以是拿科學系的。別告訴我，及格就好。只要球還沒動地，就要跑。只要對手分數還沒21，就有贏的希望。只要還有超過一秒的時間才到spm，我就可以戰勝那科目。

2015。我要以最佳狀態應付你。同時，絕對不能痘痘。加油。

就算你不在，你說過的每一句都會環繞在我腦裡。因為，你就是我的靈感。

回头

"几个月以来教练都没有消息, 他昨天问我好吗。"
"没钱, 没学生了, 回来找你。"
"他应该不会回来。就算回来了, 我还是不会跟他了。"

说我不会放手, 可是教练这方面放得不错啊。原来一点点时间, 所有事情都不一样。新的开始, 开始了就无法回头了。我有新的归属。

千万不要浪费宝贵的时光。

一番话

老师说了一番话, 让我很 不知该怎么办。他说, "我一周是你四十五分钟的老师, 其余的你才是老师。如果你帮不到自己, 那就没人帮到你。"  十七岁了吧, 长大了, 不是小女孩了。

他当作我会走吉他的路了。可是, 我会吗? 我自己都不清楚了。我好乱。也许真的该退出一种乐器。也许该停止画画班, 也许。也许 不该再看小说了。我希望成绩好, 音乐好, 羽球好, 其余不用了。

好乱。需要吗? 我没有守本分。老师叫我考虑怎么让自己进步。现在是飘浮状态, 根本不懂有没有进步。我没有毅力, 所以吉他那个程度就没什么进步了。羽球也一样。我没有逼自己。怎么办

Rest?

Now even he's asking me to rest. Er hem. Should I? No. I don't think so. Plenty of time to rest after the competition. I should train more. Right? Well. It doesn't hurt soooooo bad. Bearable.

Today I did footwork. Triggers the pain. I Googled and found some informations. Holy crap. It's called Lisfranc injury,  aka midfoot. Exactly where it hurts so fucking badly when I bend the foot. It says it might be the bones there or ligaments torn or dislocated.  I think mine wasn't that bad, but wasn't thaat good tho. Cuz the bottom did not bruise, but I can feel it getting bad, as long as I do footwork. Two regions are in contact, and it's not supposed to. Something's fraying inside, that's really bad.

I googled to find treatment. I'm not that tough. Need things to maybe... soothe a bit? Google says, it can't be easily 'walk through'. Needs treatment. I'm getting treatment phobia!  Damn. Last time. That doc was so violent.. Er. I didn't scream cuz my mom was there. Gritting teeth will do. I realized that I don't show weaknesses in front of my family. No moaning. No whining. Be strong. But seriously treatment again, it's nightmare! Unbearable. Wish I could go alone so they won't have to see my face.

Stupid foot. Why did I twisted it in the first place? Treatment will work for a while, but it won't heal! I mean. It will come back.... haaaaaaaiz. Rest, or train footwork? Rest? Footwork?? ...... got to chill. Just went through the lost book thingy. Hardest disappointment....

Just now I let my sister touch while I let her feel the fraying area. She gasped and thought something's broken inside. I think it's just small dislocation, or torn ligaments, cuz I can still run or do footwork! (Tho it hurts) She said her guitarist friend fell on his hand and he ignored it until playing guitar and driving hurts. He went for a check up and found a crack! That's worrying me. Can a crack heal itself? Treatments are scary.... T.T not getting treatment is scary too. What if there's really something wrong in me..

I'll train. Rest can wait. He deserves a better partner. I'll train to be better.

.

Many months ago, I've twisted the same place. Same way. The doctor said, whichever direction you twisted it, you have to twist it back to the opposite direction.

Bearable but sucks. I wanna be normal again. I need it for the competition. My footwork is slow. I know that. Of course I do. But seriously, I can't do it, with this ankle. It's not allowing me to move comfortably, especially backwards. Whenever backing myself, gah. There's that terrible pain. No one knows.

Should I try to fix it myself? I'm sure I won't make it worse. But seriously should I? I need to use it. From the video, I know, I'm slow. That day when I met an old training mate and cut in to play with her state player friends,  damn! I'm terribly guilty. The girls weren't that scary. They're girls. They don't scare me. He scares me. I know he's darn serious to everything. Competitions,  of course!  I can't ruin it. But I can't do it.

I asked, how do you want? Me standing in front forever or what? She said, anything will do, cuz she'll back up me wherever I go. But I know, playing this aimlessly without a strategy will kill her. The last ten points? We played with a way. A way he taught. And it works, a lot better. I helped to make her life easier. Can see that. I need to set up for him too. But seriously. I'm going to disappoint him.

Fuck you ankle. I should stop running and ONLY focus of footwork huh. Gosh. Please wish me luck. Imagining him hating me, just sucks. I can't live that. I can do this. It's not hard. Racket up, focus all the time, what will go wrong?

耍

我越来越不懂你了。我知道啊。你笼中鸟, 很可怜。说要逃牢, 你让别人帮你吗? 好。不逃。我来找你。说行又不行。帮人拿书。替朋友收书要问过妈妈。太可笑了吧。你是住监狱哦? 拿了食物都给室友打翻了。打翻的是别人的燕窝! 很无奈耶。算我心情不好。你不高兴 可以不读。我就是需要写。

我很难 相信你了。可以不用传简讯报喜。可以不用答应任何东西。可以继续呆在鸟笼。你跟我说 你开心, 我就不会为你神经想逃牢办法。你看起来 一点都不开心。书没买到, 不是你的错。我知道不是你的错。可是拜托。以后就算找到了, 别马上通知我。我会期待, 没告诉我, 至少不会失去。食言不好玩ok. 感觉很受骗, 感觉被耍了。你知道受骗吗?

对不起。不应该怪你。没买到不是你的错。地方装修也不是你的错。是我活该。我不习惯你的习惯。要常常失望, 不是我的习惯。我不会再奢望。邻座, 我们还有一年要在一起。希望 我可以继续以平常心对待你。你再耍我, 我会杀了你。我发誓。

Q/A

Your questions are not questions. It has a fixed answer. If answered wrongly, I'll die. Or maybe, another war. Hate wars. Nah I'm okay with wars. I hate keeping up the mess. You're the mess. Fuck. Voice our thoughts?  Bullshit! No such thing. No such thing. Such a miserable life, when you're forced to say "yes. Yes. Ok. Yes." All the time.

Lucky to have a blog.

Be strong

I was mad. So I need to blog. Cuz that's the only effective way to calm myself. So I kinda switched on the laptop too violently. My mom nagged a bit. I didn't bother cuz I'm untouchable that time. I'll explode. But my sister spoke up for me. Damn it.

She left. Again. All she does when she's mad, she leaves the house. I hate her doing that. That's why I'll force myself to keep my mouth shut. To make things end better,  I need to shut up. My sister made her go. But it was my fault. I was mad. She knows me, that's why she spoke up for me. She was protecting me. She knows I needed space. I need to chill. To calm myself. Mom nagging won't help. She knows.

I can't help. I need someone to talk to. Not her of course. Not her. Not her. Him? He's asleep. Him? Oh gosh last seen two minutes ago. He's still awake. Yes. But I figured that I shouldn't blurt out all things happening. He's studying. I don't wanna disturb. Maybe I just need his company. Cuz he's one of the best seniors that... I'm comfortable with. Very comfortable.

Wipe off your tears. Blow your nose. Stop wetting the pillows. Be strong. Come on. Damn. I'm okay.