It's so cold. Is it me? Or it's just the weather today. My head hurts so much I think something died inside. I'm not joking. It's like whenever you hit that part in your elbow. Yeah what fuck is that.

Pineapple came to my place, today. Ahh she's so cute. She hasn't been to my place for so many years, I can't even count. I actually asked if grandma remembers her, but she kinda forgotten her name. Prettt sure she remembers her face. Gonna ask her that tomorrow. Then she asked about us. Hahahhah it's so crazy. She asks bout wood and I from time to time, sometimes I say we're cool, sometimes I say we're not friends. I think this is the final conclusion, we're not friends anymore.

*Showed the final few words in our convo*
"This is so sad, did you cry? I wanns cry."
"I know... But nah I didn't. " I'm heartless.
It's no choice. He does the things I hate, unintentionally. I didn't want to cut him off, but it's probably a must. I hated whenever he tells me to change. If you love me, why can't you accept me? If I had the heart I have now, I would be the one breaking up with him. Without mercy, I wouldn't let him make me do things, I wouldn't let him kill my self respect.

No one does that. No one. Do you have a problem about me? Fine. Go. Do you have a problem about anything I do, the way I live? Do you have any idea how much I hate people? Truth is, it's conflicting. I like to be with people, but I don't like to trust any of you. Judge me. Judge. The voices said, they don't even care. He doesn't care. Yeah. They're right, he doesn't. Go on. I'm so fucked up. Do you know? Do you know how fucked up I am?

What about from now on I just stop. I stop going out. I'll take a break from you judging humans. I'll let the voices take over. Tell someone she needs to smile more. Do you have the rights to say that? Do you have any idea what she had and is going through? If not the stfu. If not, then stop judging.

Wait, where was I? Hah oh right pineapple actually came then we went to the courts together. It was so jam. I think we were abt five mins late. Yup. There goes, badminton. Badminton is love. But not when you couldn't do the things you try to do... It actually sucks. It's like all my energy has been drained. It's like I hasn't been sleeping for days, so I couldn't hit it the base. I couldn't smash, the sound is different. I suck. It's terrible. Badminton is love, but playing it like a newbie is not love anymore. 
It's alright. The serves did get better, so does the drops. It got better at the end, when I gave up. Wow, it gets better when I give up? What is life? Why do things get better when i give up? In the game, and in that finished relationship. What is wrong with my life?

We went for supper. I honestly thought I was really full. Pineapple was hungry. Damn, I don't remember her appetite being this good.

Honestly you can call shotgun. I don't mind. You called shotgun when wood was driving. You have no idea how shit I felt. Haha. But that was ok, cuz potatoes will be potatoes. I accept that. I have to admit. I was really really jealous at you. I duno why, I don't even talk when wood was there, and you were there. Seeing you two strike conversations easily was painful. But haha I don't care anymore.

Do I care?

I don't like the idea of bringing you out with these guys. I know, ET should be a good guy. Loong I guess too? But I'm not sure bout pan. He was interested in you. It worries me, what's going to happen. I guess you liked that. Being wild.and carefree. But you're out with me, so I'm responsible for your safety. Gosh. Your parents trust me so much and I bring you to the people that brought me to drink. That worries me.

I'm envious, that's all. Nothing much. It's cool how you live that positively. That hyped and happy. Did you know? I appreciate that you still do talk to me, and looked for me when I was at rock bottom. I appreciate that you called me all the way from Melbourne, just to talk to me hahahaa when I got dumped. It was cute. Such an awesome friend. Ohmygod I just can't believe you cancelled on Terence just for me. I thought you love him a lot. That evil monster. Lots of appreciation.

Honestly being with you makes me feel bad about myself. Like very bad. "I have no achievements." I feel you, boy. I feel like everytime there's someone else other than you and I, they judge me. Haha. Of course they do, they always do. What did I expect? Bring someone so (greatly) different from me and expect no comparison? Hahaha what was I thinking. My bad. My bad.

I'm so tired I'm going crazy. I don't have to be sad. I'm heartless. No one cares. Haha. just fucking die. I hate that you people say it out. I suck? Yeah, I know it better than you do, thank you. Yeah, I know I have thiissssss much room for improvement, or maybe, I should learn to love life first? Haha whatever. Thank you for stating some facts that I can't ever change. I can't change. When wood want me to change, he broke up with me.

Do you want me broke up with whatever that's left in my life? Sure. I don't mind. Who cares if I do? Hahah wtf is wrong with everyone. I'm sorry that I suck. I'm a terrible human who's regret for surviving being born to this world. I wish i died so I don't have to face all this bullshit. I wish I get to leave and never come back.

There are times, I choose to talk to someone then regret it. It happens. It happened to yip man, to my closest cousin, and you, moon. When the way you reply doesn't help but make it worse. It's really normal, not your faults. It's just different opinions from people. The voices would say, "They don't care. They're tired of all your bullshit. Stop telling them and swallow it all by yourself, cuz it's your own shit."

Alright...

Very disappointed tho. Very.

Thanks it helped so much. I regret. I regret telling you. Sorry. Just.. I'll try not to anymore.