.

I have things to say but I don't wanna make you feel hurt or anything. I know, your past gives you phobia. I know. You're just being careful. But do you know, I wanna be careful too? I guess I shouldn't have leaned back, shouldn't have let you hold. I'm scared too. If I'm having confidence but you used the word 'impossible', I don't think it could work anymore. You don't trust me, don't you? 

I'm not pushing you away. Cuz us being too close, makes me imagine stuff. If it's not even gonna happen, I don't wanna imagine them. Expecting the worst, to avoid disappointments. I expected a lot. I think I might go crazy.

Don't make me over think anymore. I thought 2015 is gonna be a crushless, stressless year. I thought there's no boy issues for me. I liked him, cuz I imagined stuff. That was a mistake. I learnt not to over think. That mistake taught me, imagining things will hurt myself. I couldn't get myself out from that grief for a long time. I don't wanna repeat that mistake. That whole period of liking him, sucks. Dying every day.

You know, that's my concern. I don't wanna die everyday next year. Weeks ago I thought I was finally crushless. Well if all these are just useless imaginations, I will live 2015 like this year, I don't want that.

So please. I have to stop leaning, stop hugging your arm during movies, stop all those habits. I'm so so sorry. I really like you, but your insecure makes me feel insecure.
I'm scared that after all these, you leave.
I'm scared that you'll say, it's impossible.
I'm scared that everything end like this while I'm deeply needing you with me.
I'm scared that after school reopens, you forgot me.
I'm scared that you don't want me with you anymore.
I'm scared that you don't want me to be yours anymore....

.

It's great that you could let me see how you're actually thinking. Cuz previous situations taught me not to simply over think. And now that I know, it just proofs that I'm not over thinking.

One thing I'm worrying, is maybe you'll change your mind when school starts. Feeling insecure cuz 'us' are not confirmed yet, and last time I let him held, we didn't end up together. I'm not avoiding you. I thought maybe you can have them when everything's confirmed, when I'm yours.

Don't worry.

没有人跟你说过吗? 你超认真打球的样子 超帅的。 xD That's my first impression of you.

Hey.

I'm worried. I wanted you to stay. Not that I don't want you to stay now,,, I just don't want you to be so tired. I was wrong. If you need to, if you need to work, and study, you're free to do anything you like. I feel sad to see you stress.

I'll be fine alone there. I'm not pushing you away, I love being with you. I thought meeting you once a week is already enough. But never mind, it doesn't matter. I wish you can rest more. Even if you're not there, you already stole my heart anyway. Your words will be with me.

I should have known. I shouldn't let you treat any single meal. We should go to simpler restaurants, it's really not necessary to eat thaat perfectly when we're out. Next yr we won't go out that often. I'll meet you less. If I know how, I would do anything to help.

I miss you too. Tell me when you want me to be yours. I will be, you can have my (freezing) hands any time. It won't go away. I like you more than you imagined. More than I imagined. Be safe. I need you in my life.

We can go out simpler next time, the food doesn't matter much. As long as you're there, I'm happy. I'm happiest with you.

Over

I removed the necklace.

Just now, I stared at my phone. I hung that little keychain that matches with his, for a very very long time, even when after I gave up. That puzzle keychain. I removed it. It's weird when I pull my phone out from my pocket, but can't feel the puzzle. It's weird that I don't look at the necklace and thought, how lucky I was, and flash back to my fifteen year old birthday, and him, giving me that boniest hug. It's weird that I did not have to swipe and find our photo, to keep that smile on my face and feel glad that at least we were close and feel sad for the whole day.

I don't need to do these anymore. My smile will always be on my face. It's weird. Cuz pineapple wants to meet up. She said, badminton, maybe. I have no idea who to invite. She said his name. I felt weird. Cuz. Idk. Two years liking him, I never regretted. He is nice. I still do, think that he's a great guy, just,, he doesn't think the same way, so I let go. It's been two years. Felt long, felt memorable. But I don't delete memories. Memories can't be deleted, it's a lesson. I still don't feel stupid liking him. I just felt stupid to like deeply. And I let go. Or did I completely let go? What's there to think, missing a puzzle.... it's just a habit. But sometimes his name still do, appear in my head, maybe once in a blue moon. And I have to shake the thoughts away, even tho it's not stupid imaginations, just his name. Does that meant that I am not over yet?

My biggest fear, isn't that. My biggest fear, I'm afraid to lose him even tho he's not even mine to lose. That happened, it was weird. I wouldn't accept a guy if I don't like him, even just trial, no way, it's wrong. I remember rejecting one. I know being rejected hurts. But being with him even if I didn't want him, I wouldn't do that, but I actually trust him, I have confidence in this. Those that I imagined, they're not impossible. 

Sis asked do I like him. I didn't answer her. She asked what are his good and bad things. I couldn't answer. I can't think of a bad thing. Good thing? All parts of him is good. She gave me a wicked smile and stopped interviewing. I never put any hope that you'll like me. I deeply remembered how you said that I'm not suitable for your age. I thought I'm lucky enough to go out with you, I don't consider them as "dates" cuz I know you have your girl. And I always told myself. I have to know my position, keep distance, cuz that lucky girl out there wouldn't like her love to go out with another girl. I didn't put hope on this. I made myself believe that I really like you,  but just as a friend. And those stupid imaginations, I would shake them away, as I thought, never imagine things that's not possibly gonna happen. I thought I would be glad to continue to be with you for one last month, and you'll leave, and everything will turn back to normal. Just me, crushless, empty and studies.

Like second week of the month, you're already all over my head. I think about you too often and I thought, I'm so stupid. It's probably because of the competition, and all of me. You told me the song name, I searched, listened, downloaded, and get addicted. And you appear in my head when I'm listening and learning that piano version of the song. And shake my head. I allow me to do this, because it's your last month. And next year it'll be goodbye.

Things changed. I'm excited for whatever's ahead. But also worried.

The puzzle was made matching to his. But I connected it a few times, it was tight, and getting loose each time it connects. Maybe now it's so loose that it can't hold onto another anymore.

Thought

Thought, I could lie to myself so we always be close friends. Thought he didn't even consider me one of his choices. Thought he just likes to watch movies and have fun with me, as a friend.

Since when did I look in the mirror and thought what to wear when going out, while making sure whatever I wear will not repeat and.. be too simple. I'm sure I'll miss him like crazy, I thought, I want to spend the last of the year with him, wisely, so that... idk. I just wanna appreciate my best friend staying here for the last month. But those things he started saying, wasn't usual. It's too much, for a friend. No. No over thinking. I fell before, no more. It hurts. Shake them away.

I might like him more than I can ever imagine.

School reopen

Fak. I'm worried abt school reopen. Super worried. I wish I have 30 hours in my day! Aaaaah.

Time. Yeah I'll take time out for the people worth being with. I'm willing to be free, for them. If I say, I'm busy, means you're not that important yet. Sorry.

For that above,  I don't mean just for my crush or whatever shit. Yeah maybe for my crush. But I'm crushless now. I'll have time for my best friends, lychee, 38 gang classmates, cheese balls, zombie, him and him.

But seriously, I think I shouldn't. Cuz I just can't cope!  I'm dead.

靈感

呵。好久沒用繁體字了。嗯。要開學了。怕了。明年的生活一定很夠力。想到，要跟中一到高一的人同樣時間上課，同樣時間去禮堂，快瘋了！比較希望可以留下的人，全走光光。剩下荔枝。還有鄰座，幾個人而已。她們無法影響我的學業。嗯。我看我要做個書蟲。完全忘記人際關係應該會ok 吧。

雞胸丟了一份工作給我。主席耶。我曾想像過，以為是妄想，結果有可能叻。他媽的。我樣子那麼白痴，主席，行嗎？哈哈。秘書工作，比較放棄了。讓助理搞定自己吧。她做不來，就炒了她。別的事情，喔。美術學會居然在星期一，羽球卻是星期二。我要留兩天，嗎？才不要。可是。美術學會可能可以當上一些瑣碎的小職位。職位重要耶。

鋼琴課給的功課，我都留到隔星期，隔天是鋼琴課，我才做。為什麼呢？因為 他說過，學校老師給了功課，不要在學校做完。回家就忘記了。對啊。去年說的。 :3 原來我一直一直，一直以來都崇拜他了。

永遠不為了一個人，改變取向。我好慶幸沒犯好久以前定下的原則。如果他不參加羽球學會，我也因此不參加，那所有事情都不同了。相信我跟小學最大的不同，就是我在乎別人怎麼看我。

一說，要出去看戲，我就去照鏡子了。他媽的青春痘。我有那麼壓力嗎？明明沒有很遲睡啊。十二點，很遲嗎？痘痘怎麼來的啊？討厭。比起別人給的壓力，我給自己最大壓力了。

加油。他們說，讀音樂可以及格就好。哼。很不是我的風格耶。我拿了這科目，是因為好奇，也是因為要證明自己。證明讀音樂的人，可以是拿科學系的。別告訴我，及格就好。只要球還沒動地，就要跑。只要對手分數還沒21，就有贏的希望。只要還有超過一秒的時間才到spm，我就可以戰勝那科目。

2015。我要以最佳狀態應付你。同時，絕對不能痘痘。加油。

就算你不在，你說過的每一句都會環繞在我腦裡。因為，你就是我的靈感。

回头

"几个月以来教练都没有消息, 他昨天问我好吗。"
"没钱, 没学生了, 回来找你。"
"他应该不会回来。就算回来了, 我还是不会跟他了。"

说我不会放手, 可是教练这方面放得不错啊。原来一点点时间, 所有事情都不一样。新的开始, 开始了就无法回头了。我有新的归属。

千万不要浪费宝贵的时光。

一番话

老师说了一番话, 让我很 不知该怎么办。他说, "我一周是你四十五分钟的老师, 其余的你才是老师。如果你帮不到自己, 那就没人帮到你。"  十七岁了吧, 长大了, 不是小女孩了。

他当作我会走吉他的路了。可是, 我会吗? 我自己都不清楚了。我好乱。也许真的该退出一种乐器。也许该停止画画班, 也许。也许 不该再看小说了。我希望成绩好, 音乐好, 羽球好, 其余不用了。

好乱。需要吗? 我没有守本分。老师叫我考虑怎么让自己进步。现在是飘浮状态, 根本不懂有没有进步。我没有毅力, 所以吉他那个程度就没什么进步了。羽球也一样。我没有逼自己。怎么办

Rest?

Now even he's asking me to rest. Er hem. Should I? No. I don't think so. Plenty of time to rest after the competition. I should train more. Right? Well. It doesn't hurt soooooo bad. Bearable.

Today I did footwork. Triggers the pain. I Googled and found some informations. Holy crap. It's called Lisfranc injury,  aka midfoot. Exactly where it hurts so fucking badly when I bend the foot. It says it might be the bones there or ligaments torn or dislocated.  I think mine wasn't that bad, but wasn't thaat good tho. Cuz the bottom did not bruise, but I can feel it getting bad, as long as I do footwork. Two regions are in contact, and it's not supposed to. Something's fraying inside, that's really bad.

I googled to find treatment. I'm not that tough. Need things to maybe... soothe a bit? Google says, it can't be easily 'walk through'. Needs treatment. I'm getting treatment phobia!  Damn. Last time. That doc was so violent.. Er. I didn't scream cuz my mom was there. Gritting teeth will do. I realized that I don't show weaknesses in front of my family. No moaning. No whining. Be strong. But seriously treatment again, it's nightmare! Unbearable. Wish I could go alone so they won't have to see my face.

Stupid foot. Why did I twisted it in the first place? Treatment will work for a while, but it won't heal! I mean. It will come back.... haaaaaaaiz. Rest, or train footwork? Rest? Footwork?? ...... got to chill. Just went through the lost book thingy. Hardest disappointment....

Just now I let my sister touch while I let her feel the fraying area. She gasped and thought something's broken inside. I think it's just small dislocation, or torn ligaments, cuz I can still run or do footwork! (Tho it hurts) She said her guitarist friend fell on his hand and he ignored it until playing guitar and driving hurts. He went for a check up and found a crack! That's worrying me. Can a crack heal itself? Treatments are scary.... T.T not getting treatment is scary too. What if there's really something wrong in me..

I'll train. Rest can wait. He deserves a better partner. I'll train to be better.

.

Many months ago, I've twisted the same place. Same way. The doctor said, whichever direction you twisted it, you have to twist it back to the opposite direction.

Bearable but sucks. I wanna be normal again. I need it for the competition. My footwork is slow. I know that. Of course I do. But seriously, I can't do it, with this ankle. It's not allowing me to move comfortably, especially backwards. Whenever backing myself, gah. There's that terrible pain. No one knows.

Should I try to fix it myself? I'm sure I won't make it worse. But seriously should I? I need to use it. From the video, I know, I'm slow. That day when I met an old training mate and cut in to play with her state player friends,  damn! I'm terribly guilty. The girls weren't that scary. They're girls. They don't scare me. He scares me. I know he's darn serious to everything. Competitions,  of course!  I can't ruin it. But I can't do it.

I asked, how do you want? Me standing in front forever or what? She said, anything will do, cuz she'll back up me wherever I go. But I know, playing this aimlessly without a strategy will kill her. The last ten points? We played with a way. A way he taught. And it works, a lot better. I helped to make her life easier. Can see that. I need to set up for him too. But seriously. I'm going to disappoint him.

Fuck you ankle. I should stop running and ONLY focus of footwork huh. Gosh. Please wish me luck. Imagining him hating me, just sucks. I can't live that. I can do this. It's not hard. Racket up, focus all the time, what will go wrong?

耍

我越来越不懂你了。我知道啊。你笼中鸟, 很可怜。说要逃牢, 你让别人帮你吗? 好。不逃。我来找你。说行又不行。帮人拿书。替朋友收书要问过妈妈。太可笑了吧。你是住监狱哦? 拿了食物都给室友打翻了。打翻的是别人的燕窝! 很无奈耶。算我心情不好。你不高兴 可以不读。我就是需要写。

我很难 相信你了。可以不用传简讯报喜。可以不用答应任何东西。可以继续呆在鸟笼。你跟我说 你开心, 我就不会为你神经想逃牢办法。你看起来 一点都不开心。书没买到, 不是你的错。我知道不是你的错。可是拜托。以后就算找到了, 别马上通知我。我会期待, 没告诉我, 至少不会失去。食言不好玩ok. 感觉很受骗, 感觉被耍了。你知道受骗吗?

对不起。不应该怪你。没买到不是你的错。地方装修也不是你的错。是我活该。我不习惯你的习惯。要常常失望, 不是我的习惯。我不会再奢望。邻座, 我们还有一年要在一起。希望 我可以继续以平常心对待你。你再耍我, 我会杀了你。我发誓。

Q/A

Your questions are not questions. It has a fixed answer. If answered wrongly, I'll die. Or maybe, another war. Hate wars. Nah I'm okay with wars. I hate keeping up the mess. You're the mess. Fuck. Voice our thoughts?  Bullshit! No such thing. No such thing. Such a miserable life, when you're forced to say "yes. Yes. Ok. Yes." All the time.

Lucky to have a blog.

Be strong

I was mad. So I need to blog. Cuz that's the only effective way to calm myself. So I kinda switched on the laptop too violently. My mom nagged a bit. I didn't bother cuz I'm untouchable that time. I'll explode. But my sister spoke up for me. Damn it.

She left. Again. All she does when she's mad, she leaves the house. I hate her doing that. That's why I'll force myself to keep my mouth shut. To make things end better,  I need to shut up. My sister made her go. But it was my fault. I was mad. She knows me, that's why she spoke up for me. She was protecting me. She knows I needed space. I need to chill. To calm myself. Mom nagging won't help. She knows.

I can't help. I need someone to talk to. Not her of course. Not her. Not her. Him? He's asleep. Him? Oh gosh last seen two minutes ago. He's still awake. Yes. But I figured that I shouldn't blurt out all things happening. He's studying. I don't wanna disturb. Maybe I just need his company. Cuz he's one of the best seniors that... I'm comfortable with. Very comfortable.

Wipe off your tears. Blow your nose. Stop wetting the pillows. Be strong. Come on. Damn. I'm okay.

No forcing

Something's telling me to appear natural.

No one can make me do anything,  except for my parents. They know how to make me feel miserable enough to force myself. Cuz if I don't listen, situations will suck more.

Actually,  he can, too. I always make bad choices for myself, he's convincing me to stop. Says I'm stubborn. I don't deny that. I know I am. I'm almost moved. Thought maybe... I really should listen. I know you're just trying to help. For the best of me.

My mom always said that I'm rebellious since very very young. They say I can't be forced to learn anything. They taught me to count, I refused and didn't know how. By the time I wanna learn, I can count. I don't remember this part but.. they say I write numbers and alphabets virtually. I mean, people use to write normally, I write how the mirror reflects back. And they say, this is why I'm always doing the opposite of whatever they want me to. No means no.

Unless I'm forced. Appearance is so damn important for girls. At least that's what I think. Idk why but.. since form one, I can't let myself leave the house without some touch ups. I don't mean make up. Cuz the worst thing of me is the hair and glasses. Hair is so fucking important. Outside people thought my hair was okay. It's not! I've to comb a hundred times and unnaturally let it fall so it'll be more "ok". And I have this hair straightener thing, so whenever I wake up with unpleasant surprises, I make it straight.

I can't find it now. Hair's curling up at the ends. Sucks. Shit. That explains. Something's telling me to appear natural. We're close friends,  why make myself up? It's like... I'm not real anymore.

Yesterday. My aunt brought five little kids to my place. I hate kids. They make my head hurts. But these five are so extremely good! Now I get it. Rich kids sucks. These kids are not, they visit my place like they're visiting a palace, muttering wows to little things attracting to the fridge, and the extraordinary bigger amount of instruments of course. Rich kids are spoilt. Not so rich kids are cute. They appreciate everything. One common, they're all hyper and noisy.

Appear natural.

Ignore it

I have a problem. Why stupid accidents happen on the day you plan something? Ish. I was ok before I accept that challenge. I registered and accidents came. Damn!

I know I need more practice. He wants champion. I want that too. I want that for a very long time and he could help, if I cooperate and train hard. I wanna train hard. But the right foot's killing me. Thought it was okay to stress it. Only for two weeks. Two weeks to the competition. I can ignore the pain and train hard.

Two days practicing consecutively, now I walk like an old man. At first it was the muscle pain making me zombie-like. But now the muscle pain is gone, and what's left is the injured right foot. Damn! It hurts.

Mom brought me to furniture shop. Ah she has her little shopping to do. I was sweaty, stinky as shit and I need rest so badly. Thought it was ok, but there's several steps that made me... can't move. What if this happens during competition? Two more weeks, can I really survive that?

And no, today's not the last day, I'll make sure I won't twist it again. But I have to keep training. I'm giving my best. Oh god help. Two weeks, won't quit, I'll do my best. Ignore it. Just two weeks.

Again.

I lied. I twisted, a bit. Thought that won't affect anything. My right ankle, I've twisted it countless times and I'm not even sure if this weird feeling was caused months ago or it's because of yesterday. But one thing I know, I think that pain stopped for weeks and now it's back.

You never know. How hard it is to choose. All those instruments, I love them all. I can't quit any of them. I can't choose badminton over them. Can't choose results over them. Or also, the other way round. I can't choose over everything, the only thing I could do is do my best in everything.

Hate to disappoint training mate and coach.
Hate to disappoint all four music teachers.
Hate to disappoint school teachers.
Hate to disappoint parents.

They all have high expectations from me. When he's telling me how, when coach's telling me I'm doing it wrong again, when he said he'll listen when I finally memorized all the grade 7 scales, when he said I still needa buck up more on the speed, when she said I could do better, and when he said I didn't practice enough. I'm not just disappointing them I'm disappointing myself. The results. When I see my fucking results, I really wanna work hard but I'm falling behind. Training mate. You never know. When you're telling me how dropping works, how lifting works, I know I'll disappoint you, and you're so freaking sincere, I can't help but feel bad, that's what distracting me, I can't do it.

Pmr taught me I could catch up everything in two weeks if I quit all of them for a while. I know,  spm doesn't work that way. I'll fucking die. What the heck is my major? I'm too greedy. I won't freaking quit anything. But I'll always appreciate all of them, their effort and hope that I'll do good. I'll improve all, but progress will not be fast. Sorry everyone. Truly. 

Three more years, I don't think I can live like this for three freaking years. If I'm forced to quit one, maybe it'll be electric guitar. Yeah and I can save up that money for acoustic amp. I wish I have 36 hours in a day. I wish I'm an immortal that doesnt have to sleep. I wish I have the ability to continue all these. Just three more years, I can focus on badminton and music. Three more years.

To: Training mate

Do you know. When I've that thing, and feeling so freaking unwell, that I feel like I have to cancel classes, stay at home and sleep for a week,,, it's so freaking hard. I mean. I told him and coach that I'm feeling unwell, I don't think I could go to training. He thought I was sick. Coach told me to rest well, drink more water. Damn! It's wrong. I AM unwell but not sick, and feeling too shy to explain these things to a guy. But he figured it out, perhaps I explained parts and it makes the whole thing obvious.

Advantages of having a guy best friend, he might not feel what we feel but he knows and he'll try to help and give care and advices. I could tell him about my crush or whatever guy stuff and he could tell me about his girlfriend. It's that safe feeling, like when Alex went to Rosie's house, her parents treated him just like a family. He's part of the family. But my situation,  my dad still hasn't fully trust me being with him yet. Maybe a movie is okay,  but overnight is not allowed. Fine.
"You don't have to worry cuz he'll be there."
"Maybe that's why I have to worry more."
And I'm serious, if he's there, there's nothing to worry.

I'll go out and practice more with my old training mates, but not with the old way I used to play, okay? And yeah I'll do my best not to let you down, I swear I'm trying hard, just old habits are hard to get rid. You know, I used to hate mix doubles, a lot. I feel pressure, stress when I'm standing there needing guys to cover like most of the court. But pairing with you,  it's way better, I guess cuz you're encouraging, and you won't hate me. I'll do my best, and try to make it through the second day.

Oh gosh wish me luck.

再见高二

本来又要在这里骂人了。还是算了吧。

上课最后一天。高二学生还考着试。今天特别对所有人的看法不同了点。每一节过去了。我在班上割四叶草, 一面玩牌。每一节过去, 心理想, 我不会再看到这些人了。

放学了, 看到更多高二学生, 我见到一个, 就想拥抱一个。在远远都喊着名字, 好好说再见。他们还得考试, 大家都在读书。我八卦地塞进去, "嘿, 今天我最后一天上课了......" 最爱的学姐抱过来。

然后再转身, 看看每个人, 心理传送了小小的祝福。前阵子结的所有误会都 消失了。

Which one?

It's not fair! I've freaking played badminton for two years plus! And I was hardworking!  Why the heck did I learnt wrong footsteps!  Why I got in the training that coaches didn't pay attention to technical problems and only focused on stamina? ?? I'm done! I had enough stamina but everything's still incomplete because I'm not a stabil player! A player without skill and techniques, how to become a really fking skilled player!? Why didn't I quit earlier!

My sister came in with me but she quitted so soon. I hate that I won only one bronze medal without having any proud feelings in me. That only competition that I've got the medal, I felt that I only won it because there were so damn few people! I feel embarrassing talking about it, like, it wasn't my skill that won the medal, I'm just lucky... but my sister? She quitted so soon after we joined training for awhile. She hasn't even reached that standard yet and she'd won a gold medal and two silvers. It's not fair. It's not fair. I hate that she have a gold and two silvers even with her standard. I thought, she didn't deserve them. I'm jealous. Fucking jealous. It's not fair.

She had more opportunities than me. Her batch was allowed to join the competition. But now,  the school doesn't even have that competition. It was the head of badminton club. He sucked. He did not do his job well. They say they're supposed to organise it every year. I just want one gold. Last year after crazy full time training,  I don't even have that chance. Even if I have, I'm not good enough to get a gold, to proof to coach that I have that standard. This other guy. He was a state player. He said it was easy, cuz he lived in a small state. It wasn't fair. I started two years ago. I should feel so damn great that I have a chance to the school team, to be the best female player in the school,  but no, that doesn't proof anything. I just can't. I can't train like that anymore, I'll get worse.

But I can't let it go. I loved and still do, love playing badminton, just why didn't I start earlier? It's not fair. Hey you. I said to you,  that I think you're on Phydus. I didn't really mean that... I'm just telling you,  you're not really controlled, you still can have your own thoughts,  why live like this? Like a mindless zombie? If you're waiting for them to give you freedom, and when you've found that thing that you want to master, you'll feel that,  it's too late. It's too late for me to beat people in my age, it's too late to even get a champion. I just dont want you to be like me. I just wanna help you. Take your phydus away, and concentrate on your future. The later you found your answer, the more you'll regret.

The more I noticed that it's too late, I put lesser effort in it, but seeing him so serious,  seeing coach teaching all that he could to change my wrong things, I feel bad. I don't wanna quit yet. The outside world,  the musical world, it's worse. I've learnt them for so long. But I have to admit, I've never been serious. Only from this year on. Anyways. I just suck. I wanna train hard on badminton,  but it's too late. I wanna look more into music, I guess it's also kinda slow progress. I just don't know how to be successful in things. Master of none. Fuck. I love badminton. I love music. I love learning but I really, don't know how to master. I just need to master one of them. .... at least not like now, feeling embarrassed everywhere I go...maybe I should really learn to quit one of them, to master one of them. Which one should I let go eh?

Practice

These days. I'm so "inspired" after the masterclass. The more I see him play, I feel more terrible. Maybe I'm not suitable for this instrument at all. Maybe I should consider majoring another instrument.

I get pissed off practicing this. Okay I want this phrase perfect. Next target. I want two big phrases perfect. I wanna count and tap the beat while playing and it has to be perfect. I've learnt this for nine years and my bar chord still sucks. Imagine that. Damn it. Ok I want the whole . movement to be perfect,  no point moving to the next while there's still something to fix right?

I played for like so freaking long. My fingers don't sore, not like the books describe. From most English novels and stories,  their fingers sore and bleed if practiced too much.  Well in reality, it only sores at the first time, and the more you practice you become stronger. My fingertips has that dead skin already,  sore? Nah. But screw it! I never master that two bars. And the more I repeat, it gets worse. Maybe I should dump the instrument and fet snacks.

Some musician said to me
"pimples."
"my sister, upsetting me all the time."
"Come, don't be mad, eat chocolates. "
Then he tucked Toblerone into my mouth. It's sweet. Perhaps chocolates help. I ate one, and another, and another. Lastly I finished the whole box of it. Hey it really helps. I'm playing better. Just that I count suckishly. First movement. I've done it without any mistakes. Finally.

Practicing sucks. But it helps. Maybe I'm not a music person, maybe I'm more like an art person. I had so many exams. One subject that I never even flip the reference book is art. I failed a couple times few years ago. As a pure science student, they're happy that there's no more wasting-time-art. But to me, I'm gonna take that subject again, it's a chance for an A, why not?  Give the moon a shot, they say. After all the main subjects, I took art exam. The theory is more like guessing.  No clue for all those answers. But the drawing part, people used paint, mostly, but I used colour pencils, am I weird or what?

47/50. Hey that's an awesome score. They say I got the highest. I didn't give any shit to study he theory, and just did some random googling and I got the highest?  Wow. So helpful. I wish my bio or chemistry or whatever shit can be so fantastic. Yeah maybe I'm an art person. I chose wrongly, maybe, I'm not even supposed to choose pure science,  like I can proof myself?  Naaaaah

Results results results

Last night, I've just finished reading a book. It's about a girl's life while trying to earn a scholarship into a music school. She's 16 years old, just like me. From the book, it says she had a crazily packed schedule, but her life is almost all about her practicing life, her violin classes, her love life and a bit of exercising.

I don't know whether I'm jealous of her, or pitying her. Cuz I've saved time without having a love life, but I have school life! Which she doesn't have. Lucky girl. I wish I could have full time practicing,  and don't have to worry about pride in school.  You know. When you ignore your studies, your everyday in school will be like days that you don't wanna be known. It's embarrassing to have terrible results. Cuz school friends don't see the successful side of you(music).

But ignoring music results is much worse. Yesterday I attended a guitar masterclass. I feel very bad. I thought I played well. But seeing others being so good at young age is so damn hurtful. I started nine years ago, and I don't play well than him, who started waaaaay later. I don't know how to live! Man. If I dont do well in music abd in school,  what am I doing well? I seriously can't tell. I'm not good in anything. Life sucks. So which one should I ignore?

A few of us are offered a chance to move to the next two classes. That's where lychee's in. I would wanna go there, together with her. But due to my terrible results,  I'll be harder to even raise my chin up in that class. There's the smartasses there. I don't wanna make a fool in front of them,  so if I accept the offer, I'll have to work hard. And that means it's a bad thing for music.

I'm screwed.

Show

Guess what. I have the worst sister in the entire universe. I wonder how she got attention from him. She's a bitch! Maybe not in school but she is a fucking asshole at home. I pity those idiots being fooled by her show. Her blur-cute-fucking show.

Ah badminton with her friends on late Sundays?  Forget it she won't bring me anymore. Asshole. When I first started badminton,  I was the one that dragged her into it. I was the one that made her like this freaking sport! Not as much as me, that fucking asshole is treating me like a kid. I'm not, damn it. Hey I'm not. 16 is just a fucking number can't any of you get it, and height.  She's fucking shorter than me.

I have really nothing to say abt her ass attitude. She's the one that my parents should be worried of, not me, cuz overall she that entire douche is fucking immature and blur. They say to her, remember to bring this and that,  while she still can't remember. I was the one staying behind her to keep her forgotten stuff. Fuck it. I will never ever do that again. Asspig. I might not have a freaking state level, but guys like to partner me more. They will fucking miss me.

Phone

It's 3.45a.m.. I'm feeling kinda crappy. Yesterday after a long day, I just collapse onto my bed. Ah so awesome.

It  was early. So yeah that explains why I'm up early. But that's not it. Stupid sore throat and flu are making me feeling Ok to sleep for 24 hours. I'm up cuz I thought I lost my phone.

I might be tired but I'm not drunk. I knew where was the few last places that I used my phone. DAMN when I can't feel my phone in my bag, I just can't sleep anymore. So I went downstairs,  sneaking like a thief. And I took my dad's car keys, terrible!  The car is outside. The gates and door sounds are so damn loud. But I managed to get in the car and do the searching. Nothing.

The last thing I could imagine is my phone being left at that restaurant. But I'm sure that I've take a last look before leaving,  it's like a habit, having a short-term-memory-lost sisters. So I went back up to my room and recall back. Last night we reached home. O put that pack of passion fruits on the table and went straight up, brush and changed a loose pants, and slept.

OH maybe my phone is in the closet. I opened these doors and poof. My phone. Ah feel so relieved. I could never live without my phone. Damn it. I even imagined, maube I could call my phone and see if the restaurant crews pick up....... imma lucky girl. Should continue my "beauty sleep" ahahaha. K bye

助理

不是第一次了。每一次和她沟通, 我都很想撞墙。怎么啦她!? 妈的。

我们的工作是一样的, 照理说, 我的较麻烦。为什么呢。我是做有岗位的图书管理员开会的报告, 她是做普通的。不同的地方, 只是 他们的岗位会换, 会有人退出, 或升职。她呢, 不用理会这些麻烦。工作虽然不一样, 但 收报告的文件夹是同一个。

她的工作拖着, 我完成了都无法放进去, 因为根据日期, 她那报告应该排前点。他妈的这也要我解释? 我真是够了。沟通。我会爆血管。我会心脏病, 马上死掉。

决定只要有准时交报告就好, 不检查她的工作那天, 我解脱了。我不是一个好秘书。我懂份内的工作, 我懂承担, 但 我不会带领她, 说真的我也放弃她了。希望下次的秘书 可以顺利吧。希望是个会带领人的秘书。

明年的图书馆, 完蛋了。

Fire

Fuck. Why is she so dumb. You know if I say, if you get three warning letters and you did another wrong thing, then bye!  You're fired. Is that so hard to understand? ??? Oh even if you're a normal librarian,  you should understand!  And you're an assistant secretary!  Dang. What where you doing when I was explaining? Shouldn't you just come to me and TELL ME all the problems!  Not do stupid things on your own!

This girl has a goodbye letter. She should be out. So you're RESTARTING the letters and start from "first warning"??? Fuck are you that brainless. If she's fired then come and ask me why is she still recorded as "absent" for meetings!  Damn. I want you to go ask teacher. And you asked the wrong thing again. Man. I have nothing to say to you. Just. Forget. It. I am done. Next year you're so dead. I'm leaving,  I'm not staying at this boring lifeless non-social life place forever abd I'm never gonna be a secretary.

You make me wanna hit the wall. Fuck. I'm so enough. The head knew I hated your performance. Honestly!  ... I used to think you could be better. But you're damn terrible. ........ do you not understand what is "finish by three days"? You have to freaking finish everything.  Not wait until I ask, where is the letters? Have you recorded? Why are they not filed? Don't you think that soft sound of yours can make my heart soft! I'm not what you think, I'm gonna make this the end of your job. Soon. Very very soon.

Late Sundays

I know I'm supposed to be asleep. Well. This thing is bothering me. Well the next three years are gonna be a big suffer. The subjects will be so much harder that I can't imagine. But I'm doing this for a degree. Ish. I have too many things to busy. Four instruments, and badminton. I'm not gonna give up on any of them. I'm so not. I don't care whatever they say, badminton is my freaking everything. Yeah it's once a week. But this once can make me wanna add more. I feel like I need more training. So there goes more than once.

These few weeks I'm going out with ma sis. Idk why but. She's finally bringing me out. One of the reasons is some of her friends want me there. Oh gosh. They ask, and I can go. And being out there practicing with them, I can freaking sense my tiny-bit of improvement. My footsteps. I am trying hard to change them, so that I could survive covering full court. I love sensing this little improvement. Well. At least it works.

The bad part is, we go out, and come back really late. I just bathe. It's 1.40. Damn. My dad was unhappy with that. My sister was unhappy that he's unhappy. She said she's not gonna bring me out anymore. Damn. I just found my favourite partner. He's a state player. Maybe you can say that his state is really small, that's why he's one. But he is good. Well. He suits to be one. He likes to partner with me. Coz I'm the only girl there that could actually play. Erm. How should I explain.

He's actually one of the best guy partners that I would love to work with. Total uo there's only three. First one, my old training friend. Uh they say he likes me but I don't really believe that. Second is my current training mate. He's a realllly awesome friend. And also, awesome badminton player. And now the third one is this guy. :) he trusts me. He doesn't treat me like I'm a statue and I need full cover. No way. He trusts me a lot! And he gives me that.... mental energy to keep on fighting. Gosh.

If this is the last time my sister is bringing me out, I'm screwed. The only extra training I have. Poof. No more. Damn it. I can't let that happen. Miracles can happen. I've seen it. My dad's a person that doesn't let me go out with guys. Uh. For badminton,  I could go because there's a bunch of them. Well. And he knows I love this sport. A lot. He recently approved an "outing" or a "date?" He actually said YES and let me go with a guy. Maybe he could still let me have my extra training on late Sundays. Oh please. I need this.

It's my only chance.

.

"姐。"
" 嗯?"
"再也没有男主角了。"
"恭喜你喔。"
"恭喜什么?"
"Moving on. "

Social

Dafuk is wrong with my phone. From now on I'll just freaking use English when using phone. Ugh save the inconvenience.

Today is just a normal day. Idk why but some things are telling me that ever since I've got this job, I'm kinda different from before. According to my sister,  I'm "formal". Oh yeah! Successful. I'm not that kind of banana that can give pressure just with my mouth, I can't speak fluent English. Uh maybe only to teacher.

I could only type a formal scolding speech.
"Then read out your scolding speech." Says my teacher. Blek. No. It's embarrassing to show the others how I suck at living. Anyways. It's just different that I care all these stuff. They say that might not be my business. But to me, it's responsibility. You can say, saving paper is your responsibility,  but while seeing others wasting like that, it's not your duty to save the earth. Meaning,  even if you might have a chance to save the world but you choose not to, and see it die like that? No way!

Alright. I'm not gonna talk bout this today. Some thing's telling me that the biggest change is the relationship with the whole library board. The past three years I've been a trainee. How awesome it used to be. I can remember, how we work together and chit chat at the same time. Years passed and those times are actually over. A friend from my batch said that she's so bored, everyone's doing their department duties. I get that. I lost my social life having this job. Some of them still have that trainee life. I could only see them, hear them but when I'm doing my job, there's a wall between us. I have that killing attitude when interrupted while I'm in a middle of stressing out. You know.  I'm always damn stressed when it comes to my job. I have to be perfect.

Well I've gained a lot. Trust from this teacher, her satisfaction, new experiences of what a secretary do. Well. It's a 'great?' experience. If I could exclude the part where my social life is gone...... I actually missed it. I remember last year's dinner. Our annual dinner. Or previous few year's. My sister's batch is an example. Mmmm. I remember they have a group photo. It's called "Thursday shift group photo". How awesome it could be to be close with your shift people. If you ask me...... I don't think I can remember every single member from my own shift,  because I don't see them. I don't even know their presence. Damn it. I suck.

I have a closest librarian friend that we had been in the same class since form one. Ah she loves me :). Previously we used to plan to be in the same shift, well...... ending up I left the shift to satisfy my own busy schedule. However,  she still loves me. Hehe. She would come and be with me during my current shift, and that is when I told her, I don't have a social life during shift. Then she was with me, I know I'm boring her. What else could I do? At last she agreed, that I do not have a social life. Daaaamn I'm out of here, next year wait till I retire. I'm so out.

忘了

我完蛋了。刚才很high跑去看了套鬼戏, 实在他妈的恐怖。看完了, 我现在坐在这, 脑袋很放松, 又感觉遗漏了什么。我明白了。怪不得前几天看戏玩手机, 都很不安。

我以为我很尽责。想要做好事情, 把自己搞得情绪, 一直都在烦。烦毕业后要保持运作顺畅, 一切妥妥当当。我他妈的居然为了让事情做得完美, 我完完全全忽略了别的事。上星期老师交代我完成那东西。我一直在处理报告的事。完全忘了。

妈的, 老师都没发现。妈的, 我怎么办。我是很糟糕的秘书。糊涂得不像话。怎么会这样。也许如果不理会报告, 还有那助手, 可能都完成了。他妈的。明天等着被杀了。啊啊啊啊啊啊啊啊啊啊。

祝我顺顺利利好吗? :(  对自己好失望。

秘密

明天有上课耶, 但我现在超有看恐怖片的心情。可惜姐姐霸着用电脑。哼。用手机, 选择好有限, 只能看短短的trailer,  弄得我更不爽。哼。

最近心情不错好, 好有更新的feel, 本来想把整个博客都粉刷了, 结果还是不舍得周杰伦。同时也找不到适合的背景啦。上面那大帅哥, 叫Tanner Patrick,  我对他 一见钟情。就有一次看到他唱 all about that bass 影片, 超帅的。

更新博客, 连另一个也完全隐藏了。听说有人 不管怎样都会找到我喔。这次我是特意藏的, 看你找到没! XD 拜托嘛, 给我一点空间, 骂一骂粗口, 练习英文。

姐居然问我博客的问题。原来她朋友发现她的博客。现在她想做多一个匿名博客, 不放任何名字的!!! 这家伙越来越像我了。"他她它", 你们知道是谁吗? 太好玩了。

喂。你啊。怎么这么不够意思, 秘密? 真不懂耶, 我们年龄有差距, 读书都不同地方, 你认识的我怎么可能认识呢, 秘密? 没必要吧, 除非是她? 或者她, 不可能是我嘛。哼。秘密。听了多不爽。妒忌, 喂, 这自恋狂, 我干嘛要妒忌那家伙, 你不认识我吗? 秘密。秘密。哼。不管你了。

你呢, 我真的无话可说了。人家说聪明96%, 勤劳98%, 100%是态度! 懂你聪明, 但还是要加油。其实我有很多话要说, 只是不希望你把我想成个妈妈。哼。我不说了。

-

今天，博客正式復活，因為我發現了一件很重要的事情。前幾個星期我很頭痛一件事。說好，他高中最後一天，我們見面吧。其實我不知道為什麼會這樣安排。也許我只是想最後一次近距離，看清楚他的臉，那笑。一天一天過去。每天的過，代表他會留在這學校的天數又在減少。我覺得，必須做件事，卻沒勇氣做。計劃著在他面前怎麼裝，怎麼演。原來他完全知道了我在想什麼。

那天他找我，感覺我整個人開心起來了。在班上的瘋瘋癲癲，是真的。鄰座每次都在演我開心那樣子。欠打到半死。可是，我真的很開心嘛。原來我擔心的是他這樣離開。現在事情過去了，我沒有一天在煩惱他要離開。:) 我發誓。我不會在你面前裝了。完完全全坦誠，100% 過生活，不再是50%。

今天想寫件事。壓力。什麼事壓力？功課，考試，生活？都不是。對我來說，壓力都是自己給的，因為沒有人給我壓力。功課好，也是我對自己的自我要求。重點是，責任。

小到大，我沒有一個真正自己的責任。可能讀好書，做好本分，就可以了。一開始當了圖書管理員，也覺得做好本分就對了。我包書包美美，沒錯誤就對了，別人怎樣不是我能控制的。升上輪班的“副”主，很簡單啊，管人，管到輪班的伙計們都怕我了。當美化+清潔管理更簡單，佈置佈告板而已嘛。更上一城樓，紀律管理。這比較麻煩，但還是簡單。副秘書，感覺一開始比較難，因為正秘書完全沒給我壓力，我做錯了，她說沒關係，我拖延了，她說，她知道，但我盡力就好。她多麼信任我，也完全沒檢查過我的報告。我敢很肯定，這工作，我做得很用心，每次檢查十次才敢交報告。可是呢，我現在是正秘書了。而我的助理，她……我不信任她。

剛才開會之後，助理說資料傳給我了。檢查的時候，我快瘋了。那格式完全走位，不該空行的地方空了，該空的又沒空，那國語真夠力。那國語……既然她還沒回家，我簡直就叫她進房了很多次。這個，要大寫，這個不能用符號，要打整個字，那個要寫明確點……結果我跟她說，錯的我都會放紅，然後讓她改回。改了幾個小時，我的媽呀，整個報告滿江紅。我承認，我的國語不強，可是語文語法還可以，只是不會深深的詞而已。可是這……怎麼辦？明年我要畢業了。這報告，交不上去啊。這才是壓力。要把她訓練成一個過關的秘書，不然圖書館就完蛋了！啊啊啊啊啊啊啊啊啊啊啊。

老師一進來，我和老師說，她不行啊！格式錯完，國語很糟，隨時會看到英文字的！老師笑笑。她總是幸災樂禍。笑屁！我的責任也是幫助經營這圖書館，下一任秘書如果有問題，後果不堪設想耶！老師還笑。奇怪。現在我的任務，不只是我的任務，還要加上她的任務呢。想到都痛苦。批改作文嗎！？

加油。

死了的日子。

嗨读者们 想念我了吗? 别误会, 我没想让博客复活的意思。今天会写这, 完全是因为那死硬币, 还有白痴邻座的约定。哼, 你欠我一包鱼饼。

博客死的这段时间, 开始还算过得不错啊。考完试后发现又得考, 但我乖乖读过书, 也看了很多小说。这次 一个月看了五本, 他妈的超过了我的记录。为什么看那么多小说? 其实我也不知道。从来没让自己花任何几分钟发呆, 因为发呆, 就会想到男主角。就算想到他了, 也不会表现出来。有时候把自己搞得疯疯癫癫, 还是比较好。50% 够了。

钢琴老师去世了。那时候很意外, 很不知所措。我该怎么办? 坐在椅子上, 头脑一片空白。前阵子看到老师, 她 说要痊愈了。我和妈妈说, 我会等, 等她好了, 我就可以继续学了。结果复发比痊愈更快。小提琴老师 很伤心。那天去老师家, 他说, 感谢我们来。那眼神, 看了都让人心疼。我们都知道, 他在控制, 忍住泪水。

古典吉他老师, 电子吉他老师。每次上课, 我心理在想, 对不起辜负了你们。难道我应该不管考试, 练习吗? 不行啊。我做不到你们要的, 考试后我一定补偿...

训练呢, 新的开始真的是新的开始。不晓得有提过吗? 毕业了的朋友介绍我来这。教练当然好, 但 我不好。我没时间, 没自己去练习。有时候 教练和朋友在教我, 我心理会很愧疚。对不起 我总是做不好。考试后 我会100%努力。这朋友 人很好。去年 我就知道。和他聊天, 总是感觉 很被鼓励, 很有推动力。每次的训练之后, 我都会写日记, 一定要把所有写下来。

另一个朋友。既然这里是我的坦诚地带, 我跟你说吧。有些事实无法改变的。举个例子。就算一个人有了男友, 她不应该把他和前男友比较吧。你在这里, 就专心看他的好, 好吗? 放手把。

排毒记。我家人最近在开始这排毒活动。每天只能吃草, 吃菜。没有饭,肉,油。我过轻了, 只好继续吃。21天的活动, 之中, 我参加了朋友的生日会。天啊, 那里只有冰淇淋,披萨,意大利面。所有食物都是大大犯规。谁管呢。所以呢, 我吃个够, 拍了超多白痴照呢。吃, 就是幸福。(吃草除外)

缘分缘分。如果有缘分, 这段感情会结束吗? 如果有缘分, 彼此隔着一栋楼的距离, 还算距离吗?? 昨天今天见到他。他朝我笑了笑。我回礼。朋友说, "是缘分。" 我们的缘分早就在半年前就尽了。原来博客死了, 没见到他, 给了我错的结论。我还没把他忘了, 只是搁在一旁而已。拼了命不想不看, 碰到了还是会回想啊。

亲爱的你,我要如何才能放手。你就快毕业了。你要走了。欠你一个坦诚。我坦诚地告诉你, 从头到尾, 我还是喜欢你。不管怎么骗自己, 闭上眼就可以看见你。每件事情,每个角落,发生什么事,看见什么东西, 都能连接到你。应该是疯了吧。我们的关系不是很好的吗? 为什么要变这样 ?? ?  说没关系, 但我还是会很在意。不知哪天开始, 我们的聊天变了。你总是在道歉。

我们见面好尴尬喔。对你的感觉还是在。让博客继续沉睡吧。

句点

和朋友聊天, 听到一句, 我回答的口气都像你了。一句句, 两年的电影 一直在重播。疯了吧。这一次, 我是认真的。打算把往事埋了。

我希望, 改次碰面, 可以像第一次见面那样。当时你在我印象里, 只有 [精灵] 两个字。

我灵魂都走了。把事情写下来, 不会帮助发泄, 而是会期望, 期望暴风雨赶快结束。把你的点滴写下来, 不代表 在把心理的你拿出来, 你一直都在。我越写, 越糟糕, 往事回忆统统在重播。也许不能再让它重播了。

也许该把部博客丢掉, 等到我不需骗自己, 真正放下了 再回来博客。原来我不可能把你忘了。

博客会依然留住, 但我看, 就让它冬眠一段日子吧。season two 的男主角, 我正式把你炒了。

再见大家。

事

好多事情烦。今年突然升职了, 多了一个新手要照顾。新手被很多人投诉, 说滥用职权, 说仗势欺人。我不知道我该怎么办。不能放心, 把事情交给她, 把自己搞得多么烦。

吉他季节, 给我好大的动力。"姐姐进了决赛啊! 你也要加油喔!" "姐姐多么棒, 你也应该一样厉害吧?" 姐姐是姐姐, 我是我, 我不是姐姐, 不要跟我说姐姐, 多么压力。如果她进了决赛而我没拿奖, 那我要准备往哪儿塞?

第三名。我居然拿到了。老天在帮我吧?
姐姐第二名。大家都意思意思, 夸她顺便夸我一下。我不喜欢, 总是被人家比较。讨厌这样的压力。感觉 Robert 比较喜欢她。是啊, 她厉害。录了影片给老师, 他更把我看衰了。借口。我不是借口好吗?

为了比赛, 我没动过课本, 没理会任何人, 在whatsapp交代功课。我没去画画班, 羽毛球都几乎找不到时间补, 还要烦 怎么带领新手, 怎么面对考试,, 怎么跟男主角说再见。我快疯了, 难到就应该每天练吉他, 什么都不管吗? 好累。

放开一段感情, 是轻松了许多。我会证明自己, 提升技巧。你们不准再看衰我了。等我放弃一切。我看, 接着我会让父母失望了, 成绩, 我不看你了。

喜欢

长大了, 开始有个成熟的交谈。我单恋过, 但没相恋过。怎么那么想听我的意见呢?

喜欢一个人到底是怎么样? 什么问题... 一开始, 我答不出。可是她好像真的要意见。我说, 喜欢一个人, 是想要他的陪伴, 关心, 你难过了 他会替你想办法, 帮助你, 而你, 不管开心, 难过, 第一个就会想起他, 想把所有所有都告诉他。

姐说, 我说的这堆话, 和他说的很一样。我可是要想着我的过去, 才想起喜欢的感觉呢。

姐说, 觉得喜欢不重要, 因为要维持一段感情, 靠喜欢就太脆弱了。谁能确保哪个人现停止爱呢? 我觉得姐很白痴。如果我看上了他, 我就不会再看上别人了, 那有什么需要维持在? 喜欢他, 可以为他做很多很多, 不会停止。

姐说我很肉麻。哪有嘛。这些是事实。就算一段感情结束了, 还是无法断了思念。我觉得, 大姐姐坠入爱河了。啊哈哈哈哈。未来姐夫, 我支持你。姐很相信你, 很保护你耶。不好好珍惜她, 你就准备死在我手上!

<3 相爱真难得。

再見

這次不能接受了。這一直以來，我都好累。自從他父親去世了，他就走了。好好等他的消息，等他回來。他說過，合約是到明年。我知道他會回來的。我會耐心地等。一直等。一等，兩個禮拜就過去了。一次打球，突然發現到，我不能沒有羽球。我必須找新的教練。等下去不是辦法啊。

我找到了。新的訓練，和朋友。突然戰友說他回來了。我很開心啊。可是經過這兩個星期，我知道了，看懂了，我醒了。一周三次不是辦法，太累了。就算他回來了，我也會退出的。想了好久，我要怎麼告訴他？中二開始，到現在，才兩年。他多快帶我走向突破，帶我進入了校隊。我要怎麼說，要退出？今天有訓練，好了，我們要見面，說個清楚。我要告訴他，我想通了，我的未來，不能天天睡覺，不理成績。放學後，上了面子書，看見他弟弟po 的文，寫著，不回來了。我不明白。不回來了？？那他哥哥呢？不可能一個回一個不回啊！找戰友問個清楚。他說，不回了。他媽的。他媽啊啊啊的。

我要退出了沒錯。但我上課都在想，該做什麼給他呢。我要和他最後的合照，和他吃個飯，也許，送些東西給他，紀念我們。教練一定不會怪我的，他知道我的苦衷，他會理解。我很肯定。可是他居然這樣走。他走了，一句話都沒有說。甚至聯絡不上他。通過面子書，他兩個手機，我找不到他。要走都不能親口說嘛？不能自己說嗎？怎能這麼狠心， 就離開嗎？

好失望。至少要好好說再見吧？

应酬

我妈妈说应酬的例子, 有一个演员为了得到主演角色, 和导演上床。

我才不干。东西非常便宜, 他愿意这样卖给我。我他妈的不去了。不管伤多少人情, 他算我多少钱, 我不要跟他有任何刮葛。他好变态, 一直要我赴约。我很后悔。后悔还没经过任何意见就答应应酬。

正常

有时, 我真的挺想爆发。为什么偏偏就少了它, 身边的人都变得更开心。精神变好了, 睡眠不需要太多, 都足够, 不累心情自然好。心情好, 父母开心。不需要载送, 父母和司机都开心。粗口骂少了, 姐姐开心。午餐吃多了, 婆婆开心。吉他乐器练多了, 三个老师非常开心。能够不顾消化了没, 可以大吃大喝, 体重下降了我开心。身边的人开心, 我也开心, 可是少了它, 真不开心。

"少了它, 你好像比较正常了。" 老师说。

对比起嘛。可是我的生活里不能没有它。它就像他, 消失了, 我灵魂也会跟着离开。我有时间做功课了, 有时间读书了。我能够专心听课了。

是不是现在这样比较好? 就像放弃他一样, 放弃它? 我喜欢的, 都要放吗, 放弃他, 用它来发泄。那放弃它了, 我就没有了。

怎么办

又摔了一跤。好倒霉啊。我人生中有三次, 摔了 没立刻爬起来。

第一次, 一年级。我记得放学后, 妈妈迟来了。之后是我第一次钢琴课。我妈紧张, 拉着我的手快快行动。在建设鱼池之前那块很多沙石的空地跌倒了。他妈的痛, 哭死我了。疤痕还在呢。没立刻爬起。

第二次, 我之前提过了, 六年级。和妈妈打篮球, 勾到腳。手痛, 我说不出话, 保持那摔倒的姿势一阵子。(狼狈) T.T

第三次, 刚才。他妈的, 整件事发生得快, 勾到腳, 第一动作当然是用手撐住身体的重量。但我他妈的来不及! 结果膝盖现下。他妈的 那些图书馆理员连影片都暂停了。我看我上一次跌膝盖应该是一日营那天, 在H字头哥哥面前。啊啊啊。那时见血了, 今天没有却更痛。

右脚运动会前一个礼拜扭到两次, 还没好, 现在来个左膝盖。他他他妈的。膝盖一湾, 我就想打人。怎么办啊, 教练回来了之后, 我看我无法练球了。连个半蹲都不能。啊啊啊啊啊啊 好怕羽球生涯来个断。

图书馆周

两年来, 我都在为图书馆付出。没有怨言也很开心。我发过誓, 它排第一。可是中二之后, 我爱上了羽球, 弄乱了惯例。完全乱了。也爱上了他。

去年我说, 不要去帮忙了。我很忙, 很累。可是我还是去了。今年, 荔枝说对了。我没有想帮忙的意愿。为了他, 避免他。真搞不懂我。我曾为了图书馆, 无谓付出, 现在却为了不懂什么, 我不想去了。

还是一样

我发誓, 如果没时间, 我不会多想。就算洗澡, 顶多只是思考人生。就算等着入眠, 最多想贺军翔多么帅。我看小说, 看电影。是电影里某句话 让我回想起一切。真后悔看了那部。

以前的聊天记录。越向后看, 越心酸, 越后悔。早就喜欢上他了, 却什么都没做。总是他主动, 每一天晚上都和我晚安。而我呢, 过着忙碌的日子, 总是隔天才发现到他的晚安。我很后悔。等到他慢慢减少主动了, 我才开始慌。男生的新鲜感不会逗留在不喜欢的女生多长时间。而那段时间, 我 笨得不得了。

会累吗? 不会很累啦。不会很累代表还是累啊, ><  昨晚几点睡? 不记得了。骗人。

好啦我承认都骗了你。对不起嘛, 我们扯平了咯。我们俩都曾不坦诚。很想念以前那个总是找我, 和我晚安的你。不能回到以前吗。说忘了是骗自己, 骗别人。

好想念他。想得快疯了。反正我写在这, 他看不见。荔枝, 黄莉看不见。就让我继续让她们当作我已经死心了。他现在怎样了, 我都不懂。也许喜欢上另一个女生了, 还发展到不错了。也许他把她约去prom了。也许他有女友了, 天天和她晚安了。也许把这个欢欢忘得一干二净了。

也许我应该停了, 还是不写了。

偶遇

停止了在茫茫人海中寻找那背影。顾着和朋友白痴聊天, 可是心理飘到他那。
停止了向外发呆, 寻找隔栋楼的他, 却搬回来了。
我很忙。下课, 放学后都在做事。没有要找他的意思。知道没必要, 找了又要忘掉, 干脆免了两步骤。
我很忙, 跟不输的朋友吃饭。赶着做事。我没有要到处看的意思, 我知道他不在。在又如何? 日子一样照过。
那水瓶。我记得。我得快快吃, 快快走啊。不要惹麻烦。朋友, 还是得等。他来了。
回到我的地盘, 安全了。和他的同班朋友说起。他现在怎样了? 我不知道, 也不想知道。不, 其实我很想知道。她们悄悄话, 我听了一些些。有点后悔。
人家口中的他是花心男。我不知道。不想相信。
"在想什么?" 没什么。工作! 今天得赶完一切呢! 图书馆周人手, 参与比赛名单, 在柜台。
好吧我出去把名字抄下。
日期...时间....名字.... 这不用记录吧? "欢欢。" 他来了。干嘛来啊?

开学以来, 就是一直跑一直跑。stamina 却是一样差, 好累喔。拜托, 如果无缘, 让我们彻底无缘, 好吗? 这样子偶遇法, 只能让我一而再地被吓死。喂喂喂, 我还是很喜欢你认真的样子。

他妈的

她说我恨她, 不当她妈妈, 说我凶她, 说她死了我都不会流泪。

多么不公平。她从来没听过我说话。我说的话, 她根本不听, 麻木了, 自然不说了。感觉的事, 我从来都不表达。太虚假了。如果真的感觉, 不需要说。

我知道她不懂我。我的事从来不和她说。我承认我脾气不好。可是她不懂我。她把书弄丢了。知道书为什么对我来说那么重要吗? 中一那班假的朋友开始疏远我时, 它陪伴我渡过这寂寞的季节。带我到另一个世界, 暂时忘记烦恼。她不懂。跑鞋坏了。她不知道, 羽毛球是我的全世界。为了让它进步, 要练腿肌。她不知道, 我每一次的心情不好。我哪里不好, 我都不告诉她, 我宁愿她看见的我是个脾气差的大坏蛋, 我也不要家人为我烦, 帮我解决问题。她不懂我的噩梦。有一次梦到她离开世界, 半夜惊醒哭得多惨, 她不懂。说我不会掉一滴眼泪。她什么都不懂, 全都她说, 完全不听我解释, 就下定了结果。

我还能解释什么? 我还能说吗? 她说她累了, 我的脾气那么遭。我才累了。她的认为多么不可理遇, 她认为怎样就是怎样。我有办法吗? 生气了就拿锁匙走, 要我打电话求她回来。打电话又卦我电话。我能怎样? 好想死。不信我就别问我, 你认为怎样就怎样。她又不回来, 要用一切威胁我, 变态的条件。我, 受 够了。

拇指

最近我右手拇指第三个关节出了问题。推一推, 痛极了。复发了?

四年前, 六年级的时候, 我记得大考过后天天无所事事, 大家都在等成绩。篮球不是我的料, 但朋友们叫我参加, 我就参加了。那几天, 礼堂刚建好, 我都到礼堂去帮忙扫地, 灰尘多得很。当作义工, 和最后的礼堂好好相处, 让毕业过得没有遗憾。在家, 我和妈妈练运球, 有一次拌倒。

头撞到, 拇指撞到。我妈吓到, 问我头怎么样。我说不出话, 太痛了。头没事, 拇指整个痛了一个礼拜。之后的日子, 不痛了, 但湾一下拇指, 会有咑一声。总是用那声音来吓领座男孩。他觉得听起来很痛, 简直就是心疼我嘛。 :)

四年了, 那声音还在。后遗症, 还没结束。最近, 就越来越痛。握拍, 总是弄到。我问姐姐, 奇怪吧? 她说去检验, 弹钢琴会影响。一开始, 我反对。怎么会影响呢? 可是想着想着, 好像真的会。只是最近没碰钢琴, 才没发现。

如果少一根手指, 音乐的路就走不成了。羽毛球也完蛋了。那我不就什么都没了? 好像真的, 什么都没了。羽球是我的一切, 音乐也一样。我成绩都忽略了, 为了让羽球和音乐完美...... 所以, 我是不是该努力了  ._.

整你

喂。好像和老朋友, 你, 聚会。你说我的头发长了。那是因为, 三个星期没见。多想你啊。不让自己看着你, 超过三秒钟。感觉时间超过了, 马上甩掉任何画面。

因为他, 辜负了他, 不能让这种事情再发生了。那种感觉, 我懂。看着喜欢的人多么喜欢另一个人, 替他着想。混双, 抽签。黄梨建议, 我和他。才不。我们俩在一起, 尴尬。命运还是让我和他。他说我进步了。我的drop 真吓人。谢咯, 可是, 再厉害也没有你厉害啊。

今天的我, 一直整你, 给你网球, 杀你。我也不知道为什么。好好玩喔。觉得成功了, 不再拥有和你聊的习惯。想都没想。不可能的事, 不必想, 是制造麻烦。好想知道你到底在想什么。对我, 真的有表面那么潇洒吗? 你在躲我吧。

二月十三日, 是我最不想活的一天。让它们过去吧。永远, 再也不提前那天了。这两年对你的喜欢, 早就该结束。伤心的时候, 你的出现是发亮的, 所以喜欢上你也是一场意外。那段时间的陪伴变成依靠变成喜欢。

整你, 因为你曾经让我快疯了。太幸福, 太难过, 太期待, 又太失望。可是现在全都没了。觉得自己真白痴。你说谎了呢。我那么相信你。让我整你, 当作发泄吧, 你道歉的, 我们之间的误会, 一笔购销, 好吗?

下次再约我, 我还是会整你。可是是整爽的! :3 别怪我。以后说你, 也许就是慢慢把你化成朋友了。单纯的朋友。希望你不距我千里之外。开学了加油。

你

记得一个人问过我, "为什么放上博客的东西突然不见了?" 那是因为我后悔了, 想维持一个友好的关系。我们可以别再提起他的事吗? 那天之后, 你不见了。你是生气了吗? 还是讨厌我了? 好久没聊天, 最近怎样了? 忙啊, 你没有鸟我。我以为你忙, 你也以为我忙。如果你找我, 不管多忙, 我还是会回答你的。语气那么好, 应该没有在生气。

我没有找你, 可是你在我心里, 还是非常体贴, 很好的朋友。对不起。心事都告诉你, 是信任。没想过, 心事里的他, 会弄痛你。对不起。觉得 很后悔, 把心事告诉你。看着喜欢的人为喜欢的人伤心, 那不是更伤心吗? 可是她不知道你喜欢她啊。如果你告诉她, 她不会狠狠地说不。她会更了解你, 再看适不适合。被拒绝是多痛的啊。

堂姐说, 如果不喜欢你, 干嘛约你看戏啊? 我也不知道。想看啊。看戏, 我是不会拒绝的。太幸福了! 管他跟谁看! 可是你为什么不告诉我啊?? 天哪。知道这件事, 已经太迟了。你过得怎样了? ><  很想找你, 问候你, 和你闲聊几句。继续我们以前的废话。总而言之, 你是很好的朋友。高兴认识你。谢谢你_ _ _。

忙

要赶走一个人, 其实很容易。叫他滚不就可以了吗? 可是要顾虑人家的感受。不管兜多大的圈子, 人家一明白意思, 他还是会难受啊。我知道这种感觉, 也不想人家那样。

好烦哦! 这个人曾经这样, 暂停了。现在居然继续了。你要我怎样啊? 我身上你要知道的, 问啊! 我说了算。可是, 一天三次。三次要命啊! 我多忙啊! 也许他要了解我。可是我根本不想说啊! 他感觉不到吗? 要了解我, 就约我出去啊! 谁不爱看电影的? 这样逼我对着手机, 又辐射, 又浪费时间, 干嘛那么辛苦?

如果要做好朋友, 不是这样的啊! 我每天找你聊天, 我就成了你好友吗? 才怪! 我烦死你就有! 好朋友是有心事才聊, 难过了找她陪伴的人, 而不是 嗨。今天过得怎样? 你不是我老公, 干嘛问我过得怎么样。

如果要追, 至少要像我未来姐夫那样啊! 他不烦, 但能让我姐姐胡思乱想。当一个女生为一个男生胡思乱想, 感到好奇, 觉得他神秘, 那男生成功引起她的注意了! 而不是 这家伙天天找我, 浪费时间。 他生活就没有一点目标吗? 没有方向的男人, 怎么让女方欣赏和注意呢??? 他妈的。

我知道你很有空, 可是我没空, 我有梦想, 我要努力追求它, 而不是......对着手机那么放肆地过一天。我只有对一个人, 是勇敢的。对别人, 我不敢, 不敢伤害幼小的心灵, 不敢拒绝聊天。心声只敢从博客表达。虽然不知道你会不会看到, 看到了你也许都不知道主角是你, 但希望你下一次找我时, 不要提起。你, 有话直说, 节省大家的时间。好吗? 不是嫌弃你, 我真的忙。

T-T

跟朋友聊天，有夢想地聊天。聊得很爽，但他們心裡知道，聊的都不切實際，不可能發生。籠中鳥有自己的夢想，卻被緊緊綁著。有時候覺得真無奈。不知道怎麼幫他們。他們喜歡的，只能瞎想像，不能實行。想去唱K，想跟朋友去看戲，家人之有一個字，不。朋友約聚會，他們不需要問，就知道答案了。真 打抱不平。鄰座喜歡嘻哈舞蹈，家人沒有讓她發展。她想走音樂的路，家人讓她看數字。數字，對著電腦，一大堆文件，這不是她想要的未來啊！怎麼能這樣？為什麼不能讓他們過他們想要的人生？

我家人沒有反對過我要的未來，因為我讀的跟我爸一樣，他們不可能反對的。我喜歡。我喜歡打羽球，他們也沒有反對，只是懶惰載我。家人不是應該這樣的嗎？支持我們，給我們力量，過我們想要的人生，而不是控制他們，連工作，什麼屁都安排好了。這樣叫對他們好嗎？是，也許你們父母安排的，他們跟著安排走，可以成功。但會發瘋啊！籠中鳥會有健康問題，被困住遲早會窒息死的！沒有自由的小鳥，不停在校空間揮著翅膀，撞著鳥籠，有一天，能帶他飛向夢想的翅膀都無法操作了。你們能負責他們的人生嗎？！？

最近，朋友跟朋友發生些事。我有兩個知心朋友，可是有時候會衝突，想法不一致，很敏感的課題，我會爆發起來，嚇到人家。我朋友不高興我。朋友，我其實也有點……就不知道怎麼溝通了。她做的那件事，真的挺過分的。在這裡不能寫出來。實在煩。另外件事，不同的人，差不多一樣的問題。要跟她合作討論事情，圖書館的事情。她不高興她，有點不敢告訴我，因為她覺得我蠻喜歡她的。其實我只是公私分明。唉。這樣被夾在中間，像漢堡包。有點煩。我以為這件事沒有困擾我啊。可是總是一面玩手機一面回想，那尷尬的場面。

我和她吃飯，她告訴我怎麼不喜歡她。然後，突然她跑過來，坐到我旁。坐對面的她用那種眼神，看著我，幾乎在告訴我，你看，你看，她又來了。煩死了。啊啊啊啊啊啊啊啊啊啊啊啊啊煩哪。

汤杯 2014

说真的, 我为马来西亚非常光荣的。爱上了所有的选手。可是我真的好生气喔。有些朋友, 真的很过分。他们在fb批评一大堆, 说谁害了。

想说, 你们懂吗? 站在球场之中, 为国家争取胜利多大压力! 全国, 全世界都在盯着球员。他们背后训练多少, 你们懂吗? 成为国手, 根本不简单! 人家没有紧张的权利吗? 要批评, 打败国手再说啊, 你们那么厉害, 去打打看啊! 很不平耶。

真希望大家了解。羽毛球, 是超难的运动之一, 打进州队, 到国队, 竞争多么大! 战场上, 那种压力, 真的很难受。紧张起来, 脚会抖, 力会出不来, 容易打出界。汤杯拿到第二, 已经很好了。感觉激发到我超想努力练球。我要好好练球。

凋谢

明天得面对可怕的 add Math, 我却在这.....

一天又一天, 玫瑰摆在楼梯, 没时间碰。时间不等人, 玫瑰也不等人, 一天又一天, 颜色慢慢变暗淡, 花瓣缩不成形了。真心令人心酸。

外层的花瓣都枯萎了。原本打算把所有花瓣夹在书里, 看似很难。如果花谢了会再开, 如果做错的还能改, 那些年累计的关怀, 怎能说不在就不在.... 虽说忘了, 放了, 但偶尔还是会闪过。

一片一片拔出来, 有希望, 没希望, 有希望, 没希望...... 把凋谢了的花瓣拔了, 内层的花瓣还是嫩滑的, 漂亮的深红色, 散发出玫瑰香。再深入拔开, 芯的周围更不漂亮。最后的答案, 没希望。

把参考书弄得真香。死了, 真的无法挽救。凋谢了的关系, 答案当然是没希望。心都干了, 脆了。

今天, 滚开

今天心情超级糟糕。一整天, 没有好事情。早上一样, 被她气死。你会驾车就了不起吗? 我迟到, 迟得腻了。bio节, 发现到他没有来。他没来, 是病了吗? 我好多东西想问他。算了。

我最讨厌人家说图书管理员跟学长一样。图书管理员是要维持一个图书馆的秩序。图书馆不能臭, 不能吵, 要培养出一个好环境, 让人家读书。你要吵, 去外面吵。要吃, 去食堂吃。你整身臭汗, 凭什么, 留在这里干扰别人? 就这么简单。你要违反, 你就完蛋。我们没有不可礼遇的规则。

蓝衣呢? 他们白痴, 没脑, 冷血。我知道, 这是学校规则。你们知道规则那么没有意思, 干嘛要加入汉l奸队伍, 对抗我们? 汉奸, 都是样衰的。哦哦哦。苦衷? 背叛还需要苦衷??? 好可怜哦? 你们自愿参加了这, 为了受规则要伤害身边的人, 还说有苦衷, 伤害得那么有理由, 我们就应该可怜你??? 我呸。你没资格, 你他妈的骗了我的朋友, 背叛了我。装无辜可以装多久? 是啊, 你骗得够彻底了, 就打算一刀从背後插过去是吗? 那眼睛好无辜喔! 背叛得那么无辜, 真委屈噢??? 如果每个人都要经过那种痛才能看见你们真正的卑鄙, 好可怜喔。

学长这垃圾, 没有0.000001分像图书管理员。不准这样说, 那是对我们最大的侮辱。亲爱的你, 对不起 我不是故意要那样说话。可是我真的很讨厌学长。图书馆是给学生用的。而学长明明就是背叛者, 汉奸。我知道我脾气不好。对不起啦, 那方面我会再接再历。图书馆这东西是我挺重视的东西, 我不希望你误解我们跟狗一样。

教练, 对不起。打得不好, 我的确分心了。我大腿没事了。刚才的训练其实很难。我已经在努力了。然后, KL杀时, 我真的尽力了, 接杀球真的很难。对不起KL, 每次都让你白费了你杀的球, 我知道, 其实这很累。因为我drop让那家伙接的时候, 他也是一直失手。我drop得越美, 他越失手。你杀得越美, 我越接不到。我再满意, 教练也不会满意。

我他妈的不爽。父母不会看脸色。刚才我不小心摔坏了衣橱的门。那铁歪了, 我觉得修不到了。唉, 最近一直搞砸跟朋友的关系, 跟家人的关系。

KL

這幾天挺爽。我被人家的自戀傳染上了。真的很酷耶，那麼自戀。H字頭說，add math 那麼容易！他說，帥這字除了我還配得上誰？他說三個大哥哪幸福？但我是最聰明的。

雖然說放下他了。但我有些事還是想跟他說，想當面說。可是我不想特地找他，經過時說就好。我想問他，他的好朋友怎麼了？教師節會來嗎？我聽說他打算表演，怎麼沒聽他提起？想問他，他好嗎？雖然說很多無聊的問題。但我想在他面前，看著他，放了他。曾經為他瘋狂。現在沒了，想告訴他，我們也許可以恢復正常，因為我不再喜歡他了。

最近大腿很弱。練球時，速度不夠快。我一快，整個人要倒塌了。我覺得，可能是calcium不夠。今早我就特地喝牛奶，結果過期了兩天。該喝嗎？嗅起來沒臭。姐叫我喝。喝吧。他媽的臭了。他媽的。我，完蛋了。準備寫肚子一個星期。唉。真倒霉。唉。H字頭人真的很廢。有時候廢起來讓我想到“他”，從前的他。鄰座那頭牛。啊哈哈哈XD H字頭叫鄰座的roller“那隻牛”。那隻牛呢？他媽的。xD 白痴。

練球的時候，隔壁的場的馬來人跟我聊天。他說，我真勤勞。問我，很喜歡打羽球吧？當然，當然。非常喜歡。我說，我要進州隊，但我打不敗那州手。真不開心。他說，他知道啊，他說，我太緊張了。原來這個馬來人是我跟那州手的empire！也就是幫我們寫分數的人。我努力回想，好像是耶，我記得這肥肥的馬來人。只是他當時樣子比較白痴。教練啊。為了補充calcium，我居然喝了臭了的牛奶。接下來幾天，我的大腿可能還是會一樣弱。怎麼辦呢。>< 教練問我，如果他不教了，我會回去以前那裡嗎？才不！！！給我錢我都不！報紙人太壞了！太壞了！教練說，我沒有跟報紙學久，怎麼知道他壞。戰友說，報紙講前教練的壞話，我就那樣討厭他了。嗯嗯挺了解我的嘛。講我最敬愛的教練的壞話，你叫我跟他訓練，一天我都忍受得很痛苦。看著他的臉，想撕破他的臉。我知道我挺壞的。可是他什麼都不懂，不能亂說。tmd

對對對。想寫戰友的好話。KL 他人真好。真他媽的好。我總是覺得，他玩弄女生的心，他很壞。只有跟他練球，他才好。他常常說我是男的，因為教練稱讚我，罵他們，他們就說，歡不是女的。哈哈XD白痴。KL很幼稚，頑皮，愛贏。他為了贏可以騙分數，出界了說沒出界。真是的。但他昨天真好。友誼賽，我跟他對打。一生中，我贏過他一次！珍貴的一次。看我大腿的狀態，我贏不了。幾乎放棄了。KL 沒讓我放棄。他領先，我零。我拿分了，到我開球。我他媽的開到frame，失手。KL 把球打過來。下大雨，難說話。Reserve？他讀我口語，點點頭。感動了。他媽的。後來有一次，他開球進網，失手了。輪到我，把球給他，重開吧。我打了幾粒球，出界得多麼明顯。他猶豫了，但還是接了。他不需要接啊，分數就是他的了。有一粒，我打出界，他照接，結果他打出界了。我也是猶豫了一下，但還是接回去。我們超級友誼賽地，結束了友誼賽。他真的很好。一想到他要離開這裡，我就想把所有一點一滴寫下來，記錄著他曾經在這裡，是怎樣的人。幸好一直都寫博客，還有日記。xD 美好回憶啊啊啊啊。

做贼心虚

开学到现在, 我都坚持只要他看到的地方, 我不能望过去。去开周会的地方, 我会尽量和朋友聊多点。我已经放下他啦, 没有留念的冲动, 不需要。对蓝衣的憎恨丝毫没有减少。他们还是一样的样衰。

刚才, 我正享受着和朋友聊天, 同时让蓝衣的烦恼。我朋友说, pn m 叫我。哪里? 天哪。她居然在台上, 用麦克风叫我过去。而且, 我居然没听见。望去前面, 他居然望着我的方向。他妈的, 打算不和他眼神交流, 偏偏就...... 讨厌耶。

等等。重点是, 老师叫我干嘛? 是警告信做错又被投诉吗? 怎么办, 好紧张。我知道, 这错是小事, 但真的很糊涂喔。我准备被骂了。两年做秘书, 忍下去吧, 我可以的。反正只是一点点压力.....

握紧拳头走到前面, 我睜大眼睛问, 老师, 怎么啦? 她把一叠书交给我, 叫我派回去。啊? 就只是这样? 她点头。哇赛, 吓死我了。"你干嘛把我叫来啊?吓死了!" 老师阴险地笑起来。=.= 至少那错事, 老师还没发现。xD.

最近

想说, 我觉得已经放下他了。以前的一切就让它过去吧, 都不重要了。就算回想起一幕一幕过去的画面, 我最多发呆一下, 笑一笑回到当下。没事啦, 不会一直问自己, 怎么把关系搞成这个局面。

最近心情都很好, 只有在家会和家人纠纷, 小风波, 没事。学校里, 比较快乐。历史老师总是缺席, 太好了! 我喜欢的老师, 通通都有来。H字头还是一样串, 可是他真的很好。我觉得我很烦耶, 总是问他一大堆random 废话。但他看起来不介意, 我看我问到爽也没问题。呵呵。我敢看着他的眼睛了。其实他们俩不怎么像。他很废。希望他赶快有个手机。xD

最近有好多目标。我参加了1500&800, 我要拿奖。吉他独奏, 还有双人合奏, 国际比赛, 我要拿奖。羽球我明年要拿奖。我成绩要突飞猛进, 小提琴也是, 钢琴要继续学。好多事要做。我要努力了。

不开口

最近读者上升了。那是好事吗? 随便啦, 反正名字都不公开的。学校生活, 好像天天都有很深的领悟。骄傲的人, 还有救吗? 有时候觉得, 就算骄傲, 不表现出来, 不是更好吗? 别人串我, 我不需要反驳他, 因为是他人格有问题, 谁比较厉害, 比了就知道。到时, 不需要开口, 人家都会认输。只能说, 你幼稚, 我让你。

H字头好串喔。他一点都不像"他"。对自己有信心是好, 厉害啊, 大家都知道。可是你一串, 人家会受伤。那不如让大家赞了又赞, 你心理串, 就是谦虚了。我非常理解。厉害的人怎能不骄傲? 但太over了吧。有一种人一直串, 弄到人家受不了, 但人家不会说。人家默默努力, 最后打败了那家伙。我们才高一, 还有大把东西还没做。总有一天, 也许成绩最烂那家伙会打败全世界。你是人, 我也是人。没有所谓你厉害我笨。努力起来, 连我自己都会吓到喔。

最近非常少看见他。想念他班隔我班一片草地的距离。听见你的消息, 心理会不好受。你说忙, 哪还有时间做这些事? 你过得怎样, 我完全没有问, 你就没说。多痛的领悟。对啊, 我们自从那一天, 就变这样了。听见你的消息不如不听见。你的事我不用知道。我的事你也不用知道。我们居然还有这样的一天。想到都伤心。和H字头化解尴尬吧, 我可以看着他, 但不能太久。如果在他身上看见"他"的影子, 那是好机会啊。让我看着你, 慢慢忘记你。

界线

人家说你花心, 说你不认真, 说你总是打碎人家的心。他们是我的senior,也是你的朋友, 你的死党。我相信他们, 可是我更相信你。就算是真的, 我宁愿傻傻继续相信你不是他们口中那样的人。下课了, 老师迟放。从图书馆上面的课室看, 看得到高二楼, 看到你了。特地绕大圈, 为了要经过你一次。以前不是这样的。以前见到你不是这样的感觉。兴奋, 快乐, 都没有啊。保留了紧张, 担心。到底怎么了?

那个错觉有点困扰。但你没有H字头骄傲自大。虽然还是串, 你比较有分寸。见到你, 我为什么头脑一片空白? 那距离那么靠近, 却感觉你离我好远。为什么好好的朋友变成这样, 见到你, 只能笑, 装作没什么。到底要多久才能把你忘了。每次想到现在的我们, 我脑袋要炸开了。看见你的她, 她到底有多好? 我认识的人, 超过一个喜欢她呢。很漂亮吗?

华文课说到蒲公英。蒲公英是野花, 到处都有, 大家都喜欢高贵的, 有气质的, 难道蒲公英到处都有, 就不值得被珍惜吗? 那等到它快绝种了, 大家才急着,珍惜它? 我不明白, 为什么, 它在的时候不珍惜它。有些事情很难得, 就应该珍惜啊, 珍惜到一半, 他还是会有消失得不见踪影的一天。至少那时候, 回忆还在, 发生过, 幸福过。好好珍惜蒲公英, 它也是漂亮的。珍贵的东西, 就算绝种了, 人类还是得活下去吧? 爱着它, 又能怎么样, 消失了的长不回来啊, 缘分尽了。

不能哭, 那只是花啊。哈哈。好像离题了。暂停吧, 我不再喜欢你了。我看清楚了, 不管多么靠近, 我们之间有条界线。超级清楚了。我会转身离开的, 在此徘徊了那么久, 很累的。把你丢掉吧。拜托, 手表可以习惯换手戴, 为什么不能习惯把你放下?那么折磨自己, 值得吗? 我可以望着你, 慢慢, 慢慢忘记你....KL 好像失恋了。虽然知道他是花心男,但还是会不舍。快乐点吧, 没必要留念着不懂你用心的人。时间能带走一切。再爱也得放开。