Fire

Fuck. Why is she so dumb. You know if I say, if you get three warning letters and you did another wrong thing, then bye!  You're fired. Is that so hard to understand? ??? Oh even if you're a normal librarian,  you should understand!  And you're an assistant secretary!  Dang. What where you doing when I was explaining? Shouldn't you just come to me and TELL ME all the problems!  Not do stupid things on your own!

This girl has a goodbye letter. She should be out. So you're RESTARTING the letters and start from "first warning"??? Fuck are you that brainless. If she's fired then come and ask me why is she still recorded as "absent" for meetings!  Damn. I want you to go ask teacher. And you asked the wrong thing again. Man. I have nothing to say to you. Just. Forget. It. I am done. Next year you're so dead. I'm leaving,  I'm not staying at this boring lifeless non-social life place forever abd I'm never gonna be a secretary.

You make me wanna hit the wall. Fuck. I'm so enough. The head knew I hated your performance. Honestly!  ... I used to think you could be better. But you're damn terrible. ........ do you not understand what is "finish by three days"? You have to freaking finish everything.  Not wait until I ask, where is the letters? Have you recorded? Why are they not filed? Don't you think that soft sound of yours can make my heart soft! I'm not what you think, I'm gonna make this the end of your job. Soon. Very very soon.

Late Sundays

I know I'm supposed to be asleep. Well. This thing is bothering me. Well the next three years are gonna be a big suffer. The subjects will be so much harder that I can't imagine. But I'm doing this for a degree. Ish. I have too many things to busy. Four instruments, and badminton. I'm not gonna give up on any of them. I'm so not. I don't care whatever they say, badminton is my freaking everything. Yeah it's once a week. But this once can make me wanna add more. I feel like I need more training. So there goes more than once.

These few weeks I'm going out with ma sis. Idk why but. She's finally bringing me out. One of the reasons is some of her friends want me there. Oh gosh. They ask, and I can go. And being out there practicing with them, I can freaking sense my tiny-bit of improvement. My footsteps. I am trying hard to change them, so that I could survive covering full court. I love sensing this little improvement. Well. At least it works.

The bad part is, we go out, and come back really late. I just bathe. It's 1.40. Damn. My dad was unhappy with that. My sister was unhappy that he's unhappy. She said she's not gonna bring me out anymore. Damn. I just found my favourite partner. He's a state player. Maybe you can say that his state is really small, that's why he's one. But he is good. Well. He suits to be one. He likes to partner with me. Coz I'm the only girl there that could actually play. Erm. How should I explain.

He's actually one of the best guy partners that I would love to work with. Total uo there's only three. First one, my old training friend. Uh they say he likes me but I don't really believe that. Second is my current training mate. He's a realllly awesome friend. And also, awesome badminton player. And now the third one is this guy. :) he trusts me. He doesn't treat me like I'm a statue and I need full cover. No way. He trusts me a lot! And he gives me that.... mental energy to keep on fighting. Gosh.

If this is the last time my sister is bringing me out, I'm screwed. The only extra training I have. Poof. No more. Damn it. I can't let that happen. Miracles can happen. I've seen it. My dad's a person that doesn't let me go out with guys. Uh. For badminton,  I could go because there's a bunch of them. Well. And he knows I love this sport. A lot. He recently approved an "outing" or a "date?" He actually said YES and let me go with a guy. Maybe he could still let me have my extra training on late Sundays. Oh please. I need this.

It's my only chance.

.

"姐。"
" 嗯?"
"再也没有男主角了。"
"恭喜你喔。"
"恭喜什么?"
"Moving on. "

Social

Dafuk is wrong with my phone. From now on I'll just freaking use English when using phone. Ugh save the inconvenience.

Today is just a normal day. Idk why but some things are telling me that ever since I've got this job, I'm kinda different from before. According to my sister,  I'm "formal". Oh yeah! Successful. I'm not that kind of banana that can give pressure just with my mouth, I can't speak fluent English. Uh maybe only to teacher.

I could only type a formal scolding speech.
"Then read out your scolding speech." Says my teacher. Blek. No. It's embarrassing to show the others how I suck at living. Anyways. It's just different that I care all these stuff. They say that might not be my business. But to me, it's responsibility. You can say, saving paper is your responsibility,  but while seeing others wasting like that, it's not your duty to save the earth. Meaning,  even if you might have a chance to save the world but you choose not to, and see it die like that? No way!

Alright. I'm not gonna talk bout this today. Some thing's telling me that the biggest change is the relationship with the whole library board. The past three years I've been a trainee. How awesome it used to be. I can remember, how we work together and chit chat at the same time. Years passed and those times are actually over. A friend from my batch said that she's so bored, everyone's doing their department duties. I get that. I lost my social life having this job. Some of them still have that trainee life. I could only see them, hear them but when I'm doing my job, there's a wall between us. I have that killing attitude when interrupted while I'm in a middle of stressing out. You know.  I'm always damn stressed when it comes to my job. I have to be perfect.

Well I've gained a lot. Trust from this teacher, her satisfaction, new experiences of what a secretary do. Well. It's a 'great?' experience. If I could exclude the part where my social life is gone...... I actually missed it. I remember last year's dinner. Our annual dinner. Or previous few year's. My sister's batch is an example. Mmmm. I remember they have a group photo. It's called "Thursday shift group photo". How awesome it could be to be close with your shift people. If you ask me...... I don't think I can remember every single member from my own shift,  because I don't see them. I don't even know their presence. Damn it. I suck.

I have a closest librarian friend that we had been in the same class since form one. Ah she loves me :). Previously we used to plan to be in the same shift, well...... ending up I left the shift to satisfy my own busy schedule. However,  she still loves me. Hehe. She would come and be with me during my current shift, and that is when I told her, I don't have a social life during shift. Then she was with me, I know I'm boring her. What else could I do? At last she agreed, that I do not have a social life. Daaaamn I'm out of here, next year wait till I retire. I'm so out.

忘了

我完蛋了。刚才很high跑去看了套鬼戏, 实在他妈的恐怖。看完了, 我现在坐在这, 脑袋很放松, 又感觉遗漏了什么。我明白了。怪不得前几天看戏玩手机, 都很不安。

我以为我很尽责。想要做好事情, 把自己搞得情绪, 一直都在烦。烦毕业后要保持运作顺畅, 一切妥妥当当。我他妈的居然为了让事情做得完美, 我完完全全忽略了别的事。上星期老师交代我完成那东西。我一直在处理报告的事。完全忘了。

妈的, 老师都没发现。妈的, 我怎么办。我是很糟糕的秘书。糊涂得不像话。怎么会这样。也许如果不理会报告, 还有那助手, 可能都完成了。他妈的。明天等着被杀了。啊啊啊啊啊啊啊啊啊啊。

祝我顺顺利利好吗? :(  对自己好失望。

秘密

明天有上课耶, 但我现在超有看恐怖片的心情。可惜姐姐霸着用电脑。哼。用手机, 选择好有限, 只能看短短的trailer,  弄得我更不爽。哼。

最近心情不错好, 好有更新的feel, 本来想把整个博客都粉刷了, 结果还是不舍得周杰伦。同时也找不到适合的背景啦。上面那大帅哥, 叫Tanner Patrick,  我对他 一见钟情。就有一次看到他唱 all about that bass 影片, 超帅的。

更新博客, 连另一个也完全隐藏了。听说有人 不管怎样都会找到我喔。这次我是特意藏的, 看你找到没! XD 拜托嘛, 给我一点空间, 骂一骂粗口, 练习英文。

姐居然问我博客的问题。原来她朋友发现她的博客。现在她想做多一个匿名博客, 不放任何名字的!!! 这家伙越来越像我了。"他她它", 你们知道是谁吗? 太好玩了。

喂。你啊。怎么这么不够意思, 秘密? 真不懂耶, 我们年龄有差距, 读书都不同地方, 你认识的我怎么可能认识呢, 秘密? 没必要吧, 除非是她? 或者她, 不可能是我嘛。哼。秘密。听了多不爽。妒忌, 喂, 这自恋狂, 我干嘛要妒忌那家伙, 你不认识我吗? 秘密。秘密。哼。不管你了。

你呢, 我真的无话可说了。人家说聪明96%, 勤劳98%, 100%是态度! 懂你聪明, 但还是要加油。其实我有很多话要说, 只是不希望你把我想成个妈妈。哼。我不说了。

-

今天，博客正式復活，因為我發現了一件很重要的事情。前幾個星期我很頭痛一件事。說好，他高中最後一天，我們見面吧。其實我不知道為什麼會這樣安排。也許我只是想最後一次近距離，看清楚他的臉，那笑。一天一天過去。每天的過，代表他會留在這學校的天數又在減少。我覺得，必須做件事，卻沒勇氣做。計劃著在他面前怎麼裝，怎麼演。原來他完全知道了我在想什麼。

那天他找我，感覺我整個人開心起來了。在班上的瘋瘋癲癲，是真的。鄰座每次都在演我開心那樣子。欠打到半死。可是，我真的很開心嘛。原來我擔心的是他這樣離開。現在事情過去了，我沒有一天在煩惱他要離開。:) 我發誓。我不會在你面前裝了。完完全全坦誠，100% 過生活，不再是50%。

今天想寫件事。壓力。什麼事壓力？功課，考試，生活？都不是。對我來說，壓力都是自己給的，因為沒有人給我壓力。功課好，也是我對自己的自我要求。重點是，責任。

小到大，我沒有一個真正自己的責任。可能讀好書，做好本分，就可以了。一開始當了圖書管理員，也覺得做好本分就對了。我包書包美美，沒錯誤就對了，別人怎樣不是我能控制的。升上輪班的“副”主，很簡單啊，管人，管到輪班的伙計們都怕我了。當美化+清潔管理更簡單，佈置佈告板而已嘛。更上一城樓，紀律管理。這比較麻煩，但還是簡單。副秘書，感覺一開始比較難，因為正秘書完全沒給我壓力，我做錯了，她說沒關係，我拖延了，她說，她知道，但我盡力就好。她多麼信任我，也完全沒檢查過我的報告。我敢很肯定，這工作，我做得很用心，每次檢查十次才敢交報告。可是呢，我現在是正秘書了。而我的助理，她……我不信任她。

剛才開會之後，助理說資料傳給我了。檢查的時候，我快瘋了。那格式完全走位，不該空行的地方空了，該空的又沒空，那國語真夠力。那國語……既然她還沒回家，我簡直就叫她進房了很多次。這個，要大寫，這個不能用符號，要打整個字，那個要寫明確點……結果我跟她說，錯的我都會放紅，然後讓她改回。改了幾個小時，我的媽呀，整個報告滿江紅。我承認，我的國語不強，可是語文語法還可以，只是不會深深的詞而已。可是這……怎麼辦？明年我要畢業了。這報告，交不上去啊。這才是壓力。要把她訓練成一個過關的秘書，不然圖書館就完蛋了！啊啊啊啊啊啊啊啊啊啊啊。

老師一進來，我和老師說，她不行啊！格式錯完，國語很糟，隨時會看到英文字的！老師笑笑。她總是幸災樂禍。笑屁！我的責任也是幫助經營這圖書館，下一任秘書如果有問題，後果不堪設想耶！老師還笑。奇怪。現在我的任務，不只是我的任務，還要加上她的任務呢。想到都痛苦。批改作文嗎！？

加油。