I remember the days I swallowed my pride, to text wood, to show him lots of sincerity. To show him that I'll be waiting. I care, and I'm here if he needs me.

I get short replies. "K" or just "Seen". Seen without replies is a reply itself. It's another way of saying "I don't give a fuck about how you feel so look at me not bothering, and stop texting me".

He was such a dick. Sometimes I don't even get affected anymore. It's like it doesn't hurt so much. But no, what fuck. It hurts damn much.

He must be busy. He must be having exams. He must be having discussions. He must be stressed. He must be tired. I'm probably bothering him like crazy. Yeah. He's not that mean, I know him. He's not like that. Stress makes him like that. He'll be nice when he chills amd get some rest.

Haha loads of bullshit I've said to myself just to make myself feel slightly better. Guess what? No. Nope. I know what he does in the weekends. He goes for movie marathons at home. Still, the same attitude. Wood hated me, he can't handle my bullshit, so he K'ed me. He want me to fuck off immediately.

Sometimes I thought he used to be selfish. It's very funny. You want a secure future for us, so you treat me like crap. Ohhhh legit reason, hahaha. So go on, secure your future. At the same time, screw up mine. Hahahha.

But what did I expect? I'd like to think, being busy isn't an excuse to be an asshole.

Like you could've told me in one sentence.

Hey I'm busy these few months and I wont reply you in seconds.

Something like that will do. Remember half blood prince? I have no idea how he lives, but he replies messages about six hours later. It confused me but I got used to it. That's no problem for me.

You could've told me, hey I still want you, but we had a hard time for the past few months so I just wanna think things out and hope then we can improve.

Well you didn't. You left me all alone to think, to fuck myself up, to become this piece of shit that has NO TENDENCY TO LIVE NORMALLY ANYMORE. Hahaha. And you regret. You could've told me what you were thinking. But you fucking made me lost all this hope.

I think history might repeat itself. Hah.

Guess what, moon. You could just give up on me. Cuz I would assume. I would sense some changes in your tone, then fuck myself up. I would feel that you're tired of me, like I'm tired of myself. I would want you to go away. Leave and just stay happy, without that tone changed. Cuz you're better off without the presence of me. You don't have to say anything. I'll feel it.

I used to think telling you stuff works. it doesn't work anymore. Cuz you don't care. You'd wait until the my craziness ends. You'd leave me alone to fuck myself up even if it's because of you. And I hate that.

I wish I don't care. I don't wanna care. I don't wanna give any shit when I sense any change in tone. I don't wanna give shit when one day you get tired and leaves.

I'm half dead, cuz I still do, go crazy at times. I want to be completely dead, so I can bare with any of you temporary people leaving my life! I want to don't give shit. Is that so hard?

I don't want my bed anymore. I don't want to just lie in bed and let the thoughts drown me. I want to be happy. I want to just say "fuck this, fuck that." Then let the shits happen, but I can't.

I wasted enough of your time, money and effort. I wasted your youth. I gave you slight hope. And I'm sorry about that. I should've known best, that I don't know how to be with someone anymore.

Leave. All of you, leave.

Let me alone, free me. Please?

It's so cold. Is it me? Or it's just the weather today. My head hurts so much I think something died inside. I'm not joking. It's like whenever you hit that part in your elbow. Yeah what fuck is that.

Pineapple came to my place, today. Ahh she's so cute. She hasn't been to my place for so many years, I can't even count. I actually asked if grandma remembers her, but she kinda forgotten her name. Prettt sure she remembers her face. Gonna ask her that tomorrow. Then she asked about us. Hahahhah it's so crazy. She asks bout wood and I from time to time, sometimes I say we're cool, sometimes I say we're not friends. I think this is the final conclusion, we're not friends anymore.

*Showed the final few words in our convo*
"This is so sad, did you cry? I wanns cry."
"I know... But nah I didn't. " I'm heartless.
It's no choice. He does the things I hate, unintentionally. I didn't want to cut him off, but it's probably a must. I hated whenever he tells me to change. If you love me, why can't you accept me? If I had the heart I have now, I would be the one breaking up with him. Without mercy, I wouldn't let him make me do things, I wouldn't let him kill my self respect.

No one does that. No one. Do you have a problem about me? Fine. Go. Do you have a problem about anything I do, the way I live? Do you have any idea how much I hate people? Truth is, it's conflicting. I like to be with people, but I don't like to trust any of you. Judge me. Judge. The voices said, they don't even care. He doesn't care. Yeah. They're right, he doesn't. Go on. I'm so fucked up. Do you know? Do you know how fucked up I am?

What about from now on I just stop. I stop going out. I'll take a break from you judging humans. I'll let the voices take over. Tell someone she needs to smile more. Do you have the rights to say that? Do you have any idea what she had and is going through? If not the stfu. If not, then stop judging.

Wait, where was I? Hah oh right pineapple actually came then we went to the courts together. It was so jam. I think we were abt five mins late. Yup. There goes, badminton. Badminton is love. But not when you couldn't do the things you try to do... It actually sucks. It's like all my energy has been drained. It's like I hasn't been sleeping for days, so I couldn't hit it the base. I couldn't smash, the sound is different. I suck. It's terrible. Badminton is love, but playing it like a newbie is not love anymore. 
It's alright. The serves did get better, so does the drops. It got better at the end, when I gave up. Wow, it gets better when I give up? What is life? Why do things get better when i give up? In the game, and in that finished relationship. What is wrong with my life?

We went for supper. I honestly thought I was really full. Pineapple was hungry. Damn, I don't remember her appetite being this good.

Honestly you can call shotgun. I don't mind. You called shotgun when wood was driving. You have no idea how shit I felt. Haha. But that was ok, cuz potatoes will be potatoes. I accept that. I have to admit. I was really really jealous at you. I duno why, I don't even talk when wood was there, and you were there. Seeing you two strike conversations easily was painful. But haha I don't care anymore.

Do I care?

I don't like the idea of bringing you out with these guys. I know, ET should be a good guy. Loong I guess too? But I'm not sure bout pan. He was interested in you. It worries me, what's going to happen. I guess you liked that. Being wild.and carefree. But you're out with me, so I'm responsible for your safety. Gosh. Your parents trust me so much and I bring you to the people that brought me to drink. That worries me.

I'm envious, that's all. Nothing much. It's cool how you live that positively. That hyped and happy. Did you know? I appreciate that you still do talk to me, and looked for me when I was at rock bottom. I appreciate that you called me all the way from Melbourne, just to talk to me hahahaa when I got dumped. It was cute. Such an awesome friend. Ohmygod I just can't believe you cancelled on Terence just for me. I thought you love him a lot. That evil monster. Lots of appreciation.

Honestly being with you makes me feel bad about myself. Like very bad. "I have no achievements." I feel you, boy. I feel like everytime there's someone else other than you and I, they judge me. Haha. Of course they do, they always do. What did I expect? Bring someone so (greatly) different from me and expect no comparison? Hahaha what was I thinking. My bad. My bad.

I'm so tired I'm going crazy. I don't have to be sad. I'm heartless. No one cares. Haha. just fucking die. I hate that you people say it out. I suck? Yeah, I know it better than you do, thank you. Yeah, I know I have thiissssss much room for improvement, or maybe, I should learn to love life first? Haha whatever. Thank you for stating some facts that I can't ever change. I can't change. When wood want me to change, he broke up with me.

Do you want me broke up with whatever that's left in my life? Sure. I don't mind. Who cares if I do? Hahah wtf is wrong with everyone. I'm sorry that I suck. I'm a terrible human who's regret for surviving being born to this world. I wish i died so I don't have to face all this bullshit. I wish I get to leave and never come back.

There are times, I choose to talk to someone then regret it. It happens. It happened to yip man, to my closest cousin, and you, moon. When the way you reply doesn't help but make it worse. It's really normal, not your faults. It's just different opinions from people. The voices would say, "They don't care. They're tired of all your bullshit. Stop telling them and swallow it all by yourself, cuz it's your own shit."

Alright...

Very disappointed tho. Very.

Thanks it helped so much. I regret. I regret telling you. Sorry. Just.. I'll try not to anymore.