No forcing

Something's telling me to appear natural.

No one can make me do anything,  except for my parents. They know how to make me feel miserable enough to force myself. Cuz if I don't listen, situations will suck more.

Actually,  he can, too. I always make bad choices for myself, he's convincing me to stop. Says I'm stubborn. I don't deny that. I know I am. I'm almost moved. Thought maybe... I really should listen. I know you're just trying to help. For the best of me.

My mom always said that I'm rebellious since very very young. They say I can't be forced to learn anything. They taught me to count, I refused and didn't know how. By the time I wanna learn, I can count. I don't remember this part but.. they say I write numbers and alphabets virtually. I mean, people use to write normally, I write how the mirror reflects back. And they say, this is why I'm always doing the opposite of whatever they want me to. No means no.

Unless I'm forced. Appearance is so damn important for girls. At least that's what I think. Idk why but.. since form one, I can't let myself leave the house without some touch ups. I don't mean make up. Cuz the worst thing of me is the hair and glasses. Hair is so fucking important. Outside people thought my hair was okay. It's not! I've to comb a hundred times and unnaturally let it fall so it'll be more "ok". And I have this hair straightener thing, so whenever I wake up with unpleasant surprises, I make it straight.

I can't find it now. Hair's curling up at the ends. Sucks. Shit. That explains. Something's telling me to appear natural. We're close friends,  why make myself up? It's like... I'm not real anymore.

Yesterday. My aunt brought five little kids to my place. I hate kids. They make my head hurts. But these five are so extremely good! Now I get it. Rich kids sucks. These kids are not, they visit my place like they're visiting a palace, muttering wows to little things attracting to the fridge, and the extraordinary bigger amount of instruments of course. Rich kids are spoilt. Not so rich kids are cute. They appreciate everything. One common, they're all hyper and noisy.

Appear natural.

Ignore it

I have a problem. Why stupid accidents happen on the day you plan something? Ish. I was ok before I accept that challenge. I registered and accidents came. Damn!

I know I need more practice. He wants champion. I want that too. I want that for a very long time and he could help, if I cooperate and train hard. I wanna train hard. But the right foot's killing me. Thought it was okay to stress it. Only for two weeks. Two weeks to the competition. I can ignore the pain and train hard.

Two days practicing consecutively, now I walk like an old man. At first it was the muscle pain making me zombie-like. But now the muscle pain is gone, and what's left is the injured right foot. Damn! It hurts.

Mom brought me to furniture shop. Ah she has her little shopping to do. I was sweaty, stinky as shit and I need rest so badly. Thought it was ok, but there's several steps that made me... can't move. What if this happens during competition? Two more weeks, can I really survive that?

And no, today's not the last day, I'll make sure I won't twist it again. But I have to keep training. I'm giving my best. Oh god help. Two weeks, won't quit, I'll do my best. Ignore it. Just two weeks.

Again.

I lied. I twisted, a bit. Thought that won't affect anything. My right ankle, I've twisted it countless times and I'm not even sure if this weird feeling was caused months ago or it's because of yesterday. But one thing I know, I think that pain stopped for weeks and now it's back.

You never know. How hard it is to choose. All those instruments, I love them all. I can't quit any of them. I can't choose badminton over them. Can't choose results over them. Or also, the other way round. I can't choose over everything, the only thing I could do is do my best in everything.

Hate to disappoint training mate and coach.
Hate to disappoint all four music teachers.
Hate to disappoint school teachers.
Hate to disappoint parents.

They all have high expectations from me. When he's telling me how, when coach's telling me I'm doing it wrong again, when he said he'll listen when I finally memorized all the grade 7 scales, when he said I still needa buck up more on the speed, when she said I could do better, and when he said I didn't practice enough. I'm not just disappointing them I'm disappointing myself. The results. When I see my fucking results, I really wanna work hard but I'm falling behind. Training mate. You never know. When you're telling me how dropping works, how lifting works, I know I'll disappoint you, and you're so freaking sincere, I can't help but feel bad, that's what distracting me, I can't do it.

Pmr taught me I could catch up everything in two weeks if I quit all of them for a while. I know,  spm doesn't work that way. I'll fucking die. What the heck is my major? I'm too greedy. I won't freaking quit anything. But I'll always appreciate all of them, their effort and hope that I'll do good. I'll improve all, but progress will not be fast. Sorry everyone. Truly. 

Three more years, I don't think I can live like this for three freaking years. If I'm forced to quit one, maybe it'll be electric guitar. Yeah and I can save up that money for acoustic amp. I wish I have 36 hours in a day. I wish I'm an immortal that doesnt have to sleep. I wish I have the ability to continue all these. Just three more years, I can focus on badminton and music. Three more years.

To: Training mate

Do you know. When I've that thing, and feeling so freaking unwell, that I feel like I have to cancel classes, stay at home and sleep for a week,,, it's so freaking hard. I mean. I told him and coach that I'm feeling unwell, I don't think I could go to training. He thought I was sick. Coach told me to rest well, drink more water. Damn! It's wrong. I AM unwell but not sick, and feeling too shy to explain these things to a guy. But he figured it out, perhaps I explained parts and it makes the whole thing obvious.

Advantages of having a guy best friend, he might not feel what we feel but he knows and he'll try to help and give care and advices. I could tell him about my crush or whatever guy stuff and he could tell me about his girlfriend. It's that safe feeling, like when Alex went to Rosie's house, her parents treated him just like a family. He's part of the family. But my situation,  my dad still hasn't fully trust me being with him yet. Maybe a movie is okay,  but overnight is not allowed. Fine.
"You don't have to worry cuz he'll be there."
"Maybe that's why I have to worry more."
And I'm serious, if he's there, there's nothing to worry.

I'll go out and practice more with my old training mates, but not with the old way I used to play, okay? And yeah I'll do my best not to let you down, I swear I'm trying hard, just old habits are hard to get rid. You know, I used to hate mix doubles, a lot. I feel pressure, stress when I'm standing there needing guys to cover like most of the court. But pairing with you,  it's way better, I guess cuz you're encouraging, and you won't hate me. I'll do my best, and try to make it through the second day.

Oh gosh wish me luck.

再见高二

本来又要在这里骂人了。还是算了吧。

上课最后一天。高二学生还考着试。今天特别对所有人的看法不同了点。每一节过去了。我在班上割四叶草, 一面玩牌。每一节过去, 心理想, 我不会再看到这些人了。

放学了, 看到更多高二学生, 我见到一个, 就想拥抱一个。在远远都喊着名字, 好好说再见。他们还得考试, 大家都在读书。我八卦地塞进去, "嘿, 今天我最后一天上课了......" 最爱的学姐抱过来。

然后再转身, 看看每个人, 心理传送了小小的祝福。前阵子结的所有误会都 消失了。

Which one?

It's not fair! I've freaking played badminton for two years plus! And I was hardworking!  Why the heck did I learnt wrong footsteps!  Why I got in the training that coaches didn't pay attention to technical problems and only focused on stamina? ?? I'm done! I had enough stamina but everything's still incomplete because I'm not a stabil player! A player without skill and techniques, how to become a really fking skilled player!? Why didn't I quit earlier!

My sister came in with me but she quitted so soon. I hate that I won only one bronze medal without having any proud feelings in me. That only competition that I've got the medal, I felt that I only won it because there were so damn few people! I feel embarrassing talking about it, like, it wasn't my skill that won the medal, I'm just lucky... but my sister? She quitted so soon after we joined training for awhile. She hasn't even reached that standard yet and she'd won a gold medal and two silvers. It's not fair. It's not fair. I hate that she have a gold and two silvers even with her standard. I thought, she didn't deserve them. I'm jealous. Fucking jealous. It's not fair.

She had more opportunities than me. Her batch was allowed to join the competition. But now,  the school doesn't even have that competition. It was the head of badminton club. He sucked. He did not do his job well. They say they're supposed to organise it every year. I just want one gold. Last year after crazy full time training,  I don't even have that chance. Even if I have, I'm not good enough to get a gold, to proof to coach that I have that standard. This other guy. He was a state player. He said it was easy, cuz he lived in a small state. It wasn't fair. I started two years ago. I should feel so damn great that I have a chance to the school team, to be the best female player in the school,  but no, that doesn't proof anything. I just can't. I can't train like that anymore, I'll get worse.

But I can't let it go. I loved and still do, love playing badminton, just why didn't I start earlier? It's not fair. Hey you. I said to you,  that I think you're on Phydus. I didn't really mean that... I'm just telling you,  you're not really controlled, you still can have your own thoughts,  why live like this? Like a mindless zombie? If you're waiting for them to give you freedom, and when you've found that thing that you want to master, you'll feel that,  it's too late. It's too late for me to beat people in my age, it's too late to even get a champion. I just dont want you to be like me. I just wanna help you. Take your phydus away, and concentrate on your future. The later you found your answer, the more you'll regret.

The more I noticed that it's too late, I put lesser effort in it, but seeing him so serious,  seeing coach teaching all that he could to change my wrong things, I feel bad. I don't wanna quit yet. The outside world,  the musical world, it's worse. I've learnt them for so long. But I have to admit, I've never been serious. Only from this year on. Anyways. I just suck. I wanna train hard on badminton,  but it's too late. I wanna look more into music, I guess it's also kinda slow progress. I just don't know how to be successful in things. Master of none. Fuck. I love badminton. I love music. I love learning but I really, don't know how to master. I just need to master one of them. .... at least not like now, feeling embarrassed everywhere I go...maybe I should really learn to quit one of them, to master one of them. Which one should I let go eh?

Practice

These days. I'm so "inspired" after the masterclass. The more I see him play, I feel more terrible. Maybe I'm not suitable for this instrument at all. Maybe I should consider majoring another instrument.

I get pissed off practicing this. Okay I want this phrase perfect. Next target. I want two big phrases perfect. I wanna count and tap the beat while playing and it has to be perfect. I've learnt this for nine years and my bar chord still sucks. Imagine that. Damn it. Ok I want the whole . movement to be perfect,  no point moving to the next while there's still something to fix right?

I played for like so freaking long. My fingers don't sore, not like the books describe. From most English novels and stories,  their fingers sore and bleed if practiced too much.  Well in reality, it only sores at the first time, and the more you practice you become stronger. My fingertips has that dead skin already,  sore? Nah. But screw it! I never master that two bars. And the more I repeat, it gets worse. Maybe I should dump the instrument and fet snacks.

Some musician said to me
"pimples."
"my sister, upsetting me all the time."
"Come, don't be mad, eat chocolates. "
Then he tucked Toblerone into my mouth. It's sweet. Perhaps chocolates help. I ate one, and another, and another. Lastly I finished the whole box of it. Hey it really helps. I'm playing better. Just that I count suckishly. First movement. I've done it without any mistakes. Finally.

Practicing sucks. But it helps. Maybe I'm not a music person, maybe I'm more like an art person. I had so many exams. One subject that I never even flip the reference book is art. I failed a couple times few years ago. As a pure science student, they're happy that there's no more wasting-time-art. But to me, I'm gonna take that subject again, it's a chance for an A, why not?  Give the moon a shot, they say. After all the main subjects, I took art exam. The theory is more like guessing.  No clue for all those answers. But the drawing part, people used paint, mostly, but I used colour pencils, am I weird or what?

47/50. Hey that's an awesome score. They say I got the highest. I didn't give any shit to study he theory, and just did some random googling and I got the highest?  Wow. So helpful. I wish my bio or chemistry or whatever shit can be so fantastic. Yeah maybe I'm an art person. I chose wrongly, maybe, I'm not even supposed to choose pure science,  like I can proof myself?  Naaaaah

Results results results

Last night, I've just finished reading a book. It's about a girl's life while trying to earn a scholarship into a music school. She's 16 years old, just like me. From the book, it says she had a crazily packed schedule, but her life is almost all about her practicing life, her violin classes, her love life and a bit of exercising.

I don't know whether I'm jealous of her, or pitying her. Cuz I've saved time without having a love life, but I have school life! Which she doesn't have. Lucky girl. I wish I could have full time practicing,  and don't have to worry about pride in school.  You know. When you ignore your studies, your everyday in school will be like days that you don't wanna be known. It's embarrassing to have terrible results. Cuz school friends don't see the successful side of you(music).

But ignoring music results is much worse. Yesterday I attended a guitar masterclass. I feel very bad. I thought I played well. But seeing others being so good at young age is so damn hurtful. I started nine years ago, and I don't play well than him, who started waaaaay later. I don't know how to live! Man. If I dont do well in music abd in school,  what am I doing well? I seriously can't tell. I'm not good in anything. Life sucks. So which one should I ignore?

A few of us are offered a chance to move to the next two classes. That's where lychee's in. I would wanna go there, together with her. But due to my terrible results,  I'll be harder to even raise my chin up in that class. There's the smartasses there. I don't wanna make a fool in front of them,  so if I accept the offer, I'll have to work hard. And that means it's a bad thing for music.

I'm screwed.

Show

Guess what. I have the worst sister in the entire universe. I wonder how she got attention from him. She's a bitch! Maybe not in school but she is a fucking asshole at home. I pity those idiots being fooled by her show. Her blur-cute-fucking show.

Ah badminton with her friends on late Sundays?  Forget it she won't bring me anymore. Asshole. When I first started badminton,  I was the one that dragged her into it. I was the one that made her like this freaking sport! Not as much as me, that fucking asshole is treating me like a kid. I'm not, damn it. Hey I'm not. 16 is just a fucking number can't any of you get it, and height.  She's fucking shorter than me.

I have really nothing to say abt her ass attitude. She's the one that my parents should be worried of, not me, cuz overall she that entire douche is fucking immature and blur. They say to her, remember to bring this and that,  while she still can't remember. I was the one staying behind her to keep her forgotten stuff. Fuck it. I will never ever do that again. Asspig. I might not have a freaking state level, but guys like to partner me more. They will fucking miss me.

Phone

It's 3.45a.m.. I'm feeling kinda crappy. Yesterday after a long day, I just collapse onto my bed. Ah so awesome.

It  was early. So yeah that explains why I'm up early. But that's not it. Stupid sore throat and flu are making me feeling Ok to sleep for 24 hours. I'm up cuz I thought I lost my phone.

I might be tired but I'm not drunk. I knew where was the few last places that I used my phone. DAMN when I can't feel my phone in my bag, I just can't sleep anymore. So I went downstairs,  sneaking like a thief. And I took my dad's car keys, terrible!  The car is outside. The gates and door sounds are so damn loud. But I managed to get in the car and do the searching. Nothing.

The last thing I could imagine is my phone being left at that restaurant. But I'm sure that I've take a last look before leaving,  it's like a habit, having a short-term-memory-lost sisters. So I went back up to my room and recall back. Last night we reached home. O put that pack of passion fruits on the table and went straight up, brush and changed a loose pants, and slept.

OH maybe my phone is in the closet. I opened these doors and poof. My phone. Ah feel so relieved. I could never live without my phone. Damn it. I even imagined, maube I could call my phone and see if the restaurant crews pick up....... imma lucky girl. Should continue my "beauty sleep" ahahaha. K bye

助理

不是第一次了。每一次和她沟通, 我都很想撞墙。怎么啦她!? 妈的。

我们的工作是一样的, 照理说, 我的较麻烦。为什么呢。我是做有岗位的图书管理员开会的报告, 她是做普通的。不同的地方, 只是 他们的岗位会换, 会有人退出, 或升职。她呢, 不用理会这些麻烦。工作虽然不一样, 但 收报告的文件夹是同一个。

她的工作拖着, 我完成了都无法放进去, 因为根据日期, 她那报告应该排前点。他妈的这也要我解释? 我真是够了。沟通。我会爆血管。我会心脏病, 马上死掉。

决定只要有准时交报告就好, 不检查她的工作那天, 我解脱了。我不是一个好秘书。我懂份内的工作, 我懂承担, 但 我不会带领她, 说真的我也放弃她了。希望下次的秘书 可以顺利吧。希望是个会带领人的秘书。

明年的图书馆, 完蛋了。