5:11pm. Sad to see him.. so painful all the time... wish I can hold his hand all the time.. hope I can always be by his side until he recovers.. damn.

5:30pm! Doctor came in with a nurse saying, platelets are rising!!! I can't stop smiling now :D <3

9:15am. He said the battle hasn't end yet, so I better don't be too happy yet. However, today morning he said he's slightly better. That's good! :) damn. I can't stop telling him, he just have to recover and stay healthy and let me die before him, that'd be great. Nothing else matters..
I finally understand those Hong Kong dramas I watched when I was younger.. when one's life is in danger, the family and the partner will be by the sick one's side, and nothing else matters, they just want the person to recover.. they could put every important or whatever shit aside, just to be there by his side. Being the visitor is tiring too, but when you see your love one suffer, everything in the head just twisted up, and everything'll be just him. Just hope his condition stabilizes.. and it's not dramatic at all.

Wood, no matter you scold me, pinch my fats, bite my head, put saliva all over my face, accidentally knocked my nose and caused runny nose, it's OK. At least you're well. That's all I can hope for. Love you! 😘 wish your liver there gets well soon <3 you're the best part of me.

Training

I miss the times I can stare at you during training. I miss the times when you pull my bra strap to snap me. I miss the times when I'm so exhausted I sat down and you bite my head. I miss the times you make angry faces to me while I walk forward to wrap you with my sweaty arms. I miss the times you give me pressure while training(even tho its stressful, I miss it.) I miss the times, you hand me your orangy drink and boast about how nice it is. I miss you being here with me. I miss you. Everything's motionless, the world isn't right without your presence here.....

I can imagine coach and you single-ing. Damn. I miss you..

1:55am. These nights will never be quiet. I stare at the dark, picturing you lying on the bed.
Damn, that breaks my heart.

6:36am. Biological clock misses you again. I can't sleep. I woke up feeling my eyes are swollen. Wonder if they look swollen. Then thought about what my uncle said, what you said... imagined a little about later's training and visiting you.... please rise, damn blood count.... 😢 then imagined a little of myself... my lower limbs are acting weird for awhile, right ankle's randomly painful.. but my right leg's always weird anyway, no big deal I guess? Wood! I thought about something I forgot to do yesterday. I actually brought you a little thing that I actually planned it to be part of your birthday present.. maybe a little too thrilled after listening your condition, I just thought, besides you, nothing else matters.. wondering if you're okay now.... Haih. Btw I slept on the bed tonight, Cuz if I didn't, I'm sure my mom will sneak in and purposely stare at me in my face and kept asking me if I'm OK. That's fucking annoying. She even climbed up to My Territory and I have to be like go away! Leave me alone! One does not simply ask a sad person if she's OK. That's a way to make them burst into tears, even if they're OK..
Gah please let me sleep.. I need sleep.. hope training would be OK for back and ankle? Hope you feel better today... 😢 get well soon, woodpecker.. Loveyou lots 💖😘

I wish I'm the one who got this infection. I wish it happened to me instead of him. Now he's talking to me like he's dying. I'm so scared. Please don't do that to me... you made me imagined you leaving me forever.. wood.. I can give up on everything. I can stop wearing earrings on that piercing. I can stop wearing skirts and dresses ad high heels, anything that's not safe... I just can't live without you...

Promise me, be strong.. you'll go through it, you'll be even stronger.. you'll survive..

9.23pm. I got there, in the hospital. Nervous as hell. Afraid that I'll break down after seeing his condition. He knows his condition very well.. as he explained, I tried to hold my tears. I never knew it's getting this bad. I'm sorry, wood.. I didn't want to cry in front of you... I'm just really sad to see you this painful.. wood, please be strong.. you can do this.. I'll visit you as long as I can.. I miss you... I love you....

11:27. Just now in the car. Mom tried to ask me bout his condition. I know I'm supposed to tell. But I just feel like crying when I tell. Then, I was mad about not able to stay for the night. Mom and grandma kept saying not suitable, blah blah whatever shit, and he'll be alright, I can't even do anything if I stay there. Yes, they're right. I can't do anything. No need to remind me this. But he's not alright. I said, do you know he talks to me like he's dying? My voice cracked now I'm extremely unpresentable. Why can't you just let me stay!? I'm mad. I'm sad. I'm useless, sitting here can't do anything. And damn, why I can't even blog in peace!!!! Can't you just leave me alone!? Fuck. Ok. Where was I.. I think after talking like that,,, she knows I'm just fucking frustrated. She must think it's reasonable that I want to stay for a night.

Leave me alone. I talked so badly to everyone. I'm sorry, everyone. Just don't look at my face. Let me be with him...

23/7 3:00pm. It happened. I expected, a bit, but thought I'm just crazy worried. Yesterday I googled a lot bout dengue. It says, normally the person will slowly recover after the third day from discovering. But if new symptoms appeared, then that's a different story. It also says, dengue antibodies will start to be produced after a week. Wood, be strong, you'll get better, okay? You'll recover.
I feel so lost. Suddenly sitting here, I don't wanna eat. I don't wanna do anything. I wanna go to you, be with you. But I can't, the only thing I can do is sit here, and think of you, and get frustrated, and I don't know what to do!! While at the same time, yip man's so speechless seeing me almost giving up two subjects, and I... I can't concentrate on studying the few main subjects that I think are important.... while... my dad's counting down the days before guitar exam. And I need to drive. What's wrong with my life!? I thought everything's going according to how it's supposed to be. I thought it's finally getting better, the day I kept my table, I wanted to start new. Not... like this. .. I'm such a failure. Woodpecker, I can't do this... why is this happening to you.....

5:35pm. I figured I have to go on. And study more harder. Told my sis, from now on, no sleeping. She said, she thought the same way. I'm gonna study like a mad person. I'm gonna learn a lot this month. You're at the hospital, I can't even do anything. I have no idea how to learn to drive in such short time. I can't do that. I guess I'm gonna study undang first, maybe, as fast as I could. Then will see.. Chemistry, please let me know more bout you. Guitar, I'm gonna set a time, and practice for half an hour, or more. Whenever you're not available to talk, I'll be over here, studying my ass off. And if I get a chance to be with you, I'll fully be with you. Just you.
Love you, wood. Fight hard, you'll be even stronger. Yip man. Don't give me the face when I said I miss my woodpecker. I mean it. Damn. Fuck you dengue. Fuck you.

24/7 1:01pm. Every fucking time I think of you, I talk to my friends. They made me smiled, and laughed. And when it's over, I think of you again. A voice telling me, don't worry, study hard, he'll get well. In car, every day, on my way back home, that's when I got freaking nervous. I'm scared that when I got home, I see the phone, and get to know your condition worsened. I'm scared of that. It happened anyway. What am I gonna do? I know you feel very bad. Not feeling well, and still stressing bout the stuff that should've be done but you left them aside. I get that. I could imagine how I'll go crazy if I got sick and I'm not able to study and do all the things. But what's your aim at first? You're a good son. You want to repay your parents' effort for taking care of you, by being successful. I know I sound stupid. Please, just... get well, and don't stress bout them... they'll be more worried. I'm worried. I feel useless. I'm sure they just want you to be well, healthy and happy. I want you to be well, healthy and happy too... wood, what can I do for you? What can I do, so you get better?
Why is this so unfair... he's such a nice person. He doesn't deserve this. He wants to make the world better, by helping others. Why him? Let him recover, please? Wood... I won't argue with you anymore.... I'll be your good girl...

The worse thing is to look at someone you love, suffer, from distance, and you can't do anything at all. And you can't even be by his side.

Torturing.

Silent message.

21/7 3:05am. Is it possible for a person to waKe in the middle of night because he/she misses someone too much? Did it just happened on me? Damn.

Wood I miss you. This hour, and couldn't sleep back. Wondering how are you doing, is it that you never woke or just no strength to take your phone.. I don't wanna text you and accidentally wake you... but wanna tell you I miss you and hope you're fine and not in pain ._. Woood.. please recover.. I'm scared of losing you.. be strong.. Jiayou, I love you! 😘😞😞😞

4:10am. Ok this sucks. It's been an hour plus I'm wide awake. Should I get a book and study or what? In the dark, many things came to mind. Mostly you of course. Then I imagined how the virus divided, then I thought of how to overcome that shit, of course, I have no idea. Then I thought of what we learnt in bio lessons few weeks ago, thought of the separated conjoint twins video, then my old coaches....... damn! I need to sleep. You'll be alright.. right?

7:39pm. It kills me to see him, being like this. Damn. I rather have many arguments and settle the problems, than this. Why can't you give me half of them, share the pain so you suffer half, and I help you suffer the other half. I seriously don't mind that. Haiz. Woodpecker... I feel so useless. I can only be by your side for a day, don't tell me to study. I don't mind seeing you sleep, numbing my right leg while changing ice packs for you, I don't mind leaving my books aside for a day, seeing you finally asleep actually makes me feel better... please recover! Damn. I wish I get high fever tomorrow so it could be sure that it wasn't dengue. I wish your lecturers suddenly MIA and you could get more rest. I wish your meeting cancelled and you could sleep. Damn. Please get well. I swear I'll be good. I'll study harder. I'll do whatever it takes to make you better.
Damn. I miss you so much, I never had a sec without wondering how you're doing. Please get well. Is there anything else I can do for you?

22/7 5:21pm. I'm sure you are scared too. You're strong, you'll be alright. Right? I am not regret, for diving into a relationship when I'm just sixteen plus. I'm not regret that I wasn't able to catch up my studies that fast because I wasn't looking much at my schedule, while hanging out with you. I wanna tell you that you're really really the one. No matter how long it lasts, til death do us apart. I imagined how would I live without you, and I couldn't imagine much, it's too empty.

Need a moment before I can continue HW and stuff. Damn, I wish I get a high fever now and proves that there's some problem with the results. Please get well. Please, please pretty please, get well.

6:28pm. I can't do anything anymore. Thinking bout that sentence. "Hopefully will wake up." Wood. You're strong. You had this once and fought it once. You're gonna fight that again. Yip man says, she did research before and it says, if you got dengue for four times, you'll be completely immune to it. You'll get stronger, of course you'll wake. Please, don't say anything about dying. You'll be fine. You'll be healthy and strong again. I'm gonna be your wife, and we gonna start a family, I'm gonna be yours forever.. you gonna be a doctor, and you gonna help lots of people. That's your dream, right? It won't end like this. At least believe, you'll be OK... woodpecker, you'll be alright.. you're gonna be OK... I have something to tell you.... Woodpecker, I love you, I'll try to be by your side, but currently I can't drive, I really wanted to be with you.. I'll be there as long as I could, as long as my parents could help me. I'll learn to drive asap. I'll be hardworking. I promise. Please recover..

10:43pm. Today, I'm so off. Emotionally. Damn pimples. Wood, take care of yourself.. I'm sure you'll recover. Be positive, okay? We all are just damn concerned.... I guess I got a little too annoying? Sorry... just can't help it..

<3 please get well

._.

I've always wanted to blog, bout how everything's been going. It's quite okay, I guess? Except today........

I think I can manage this,, music and studies thing... an hour for music, the rest for studies. I even kept my table, my room. Damn, when I start keeping my table, I'm so fucking serious bout this hardworking shit.

These days him and I are okay. Everything's fine, discussable. I always wanted to appreciate him as much as I could. Like during his Sem break. Aw, it's so hard to wait until he can finally have a stressless month! Well time flies. Sem break's over, his new sem started.

I don't know what's dengue. I know it can kill, but many didn't die from it. I only know it's a virus, virus is not a living thing, but it reproduces by us, when our own cells replicate or wtv shit, I guess. And teacher said, when you got dengue and you go to the doctor's, they can't so anything at all, they'll just tell you to rest. Is this true? Haiz fuck. Now every single sentence in my head is "Fuck dengue. Why you do this to him!?"

I wish there's something I could do.

I could only accompany him for a day.

Damn, this sucks.

Please be fine,, please get better..