You have no idea how your words affect people's lives, how a person who's gonna sleep lose all that tiredness, how he was and became after things you've said.

Every time you made conclusions on your own, whenever there were misunderstanding, there will be a sentence popping out. Maybe you don't know me well enough to promise a future. I thought you knew how, this tiring will be like. I thought you would understand. People kill themselves for getting sacked, I felt dead for being unable to sack myself. I wanna end this thing so badly and you knew it all! Why would you say something like that.
Joke? Wtf. Joke!? My tiredness was never jokes. I don't joke and play around like you imagine kay. I was just tired. Don't you already knew!? Option 4. I am gonna pick option 4. Studies lead me to higher opportunities to better schools, music is gonna be my future. You are my future too. You think I can simply throw one aside! ? No! I just wanna finish my job! Don't you know??? I can barely open my eyes! You expect me to be that curious when I'm half dead? Oh teach me then!

The only option was option 4. I didn't have options at all. Whatever you're expecting, I'm too fail to do it, I'm sorry I'm not a good gf to be with. I'm sorry I can't stand the tiredness my day has made me. I just sucked kay? Can't you just give me more time? You said later. You know how much I wanna make you say it immediately? But it's just not right to force like that. So that's called 'not curious enough'? You respect someone's decision but getting said not curious enough!? Wtf? What do you want then, I really don't know how to live already, seems like nothing is right.

Why can't you give me time. When I woke up, it was three something. I was kinda glad I said I couldn't make it for training. I'm fed up. You're asleep. You know what I'm not able to do when I'm going crazy. Now you're making me go crazy. At this time. I don't get it. Is this what you want?

You're like somewhere I run to when life is killing. Idk. In your arms, even when you're not saying anything, you make me feel that... you care, you understand, and you'll always be there when you're able to.... but do you know, these things that you've said.. they're so much more unacceptable, than that library teacher,  than idiot prefects, than parents.. where do I run to now.. I miss you. I don't want your doubts. Your doubts are killing me. So hard to live like this...

Fuck it's middle of night. And I've nothing big enough to hug. You know how awesome it is to imagine AGM? While my speech will be shouting how awesome it is to finally retire and get rid of this stupid job that's making me act crazily and getting my bf to think me like that! I can't sleep

I wish I didn't have a direction abt my future. I wish I don't even know what I want. So I won't work on anything,  so I can have time with you. I want time with you. But I can't squeeze time out. I'm tired. I wanna sleep. But I wanna be with you. I don't wanna sleep. I wanna squeeze time out but I'm fucking tired to do it. I feel so useless. What can I do? Man. I wanna do something. But I seriously dk what else to do. So many things in my mind I feel like going crazy. I don't wanna do anything I just wanna hug you tight and forget about the world. Why isit so hard. I didn't wanna throw you aside I swear. Feeling like shit. Wish you're with me now.

It's not that I don't wanna sleep. There's so many things in my head. This is so terrible. I miss you. I need you. :'(

I'm unable to play bach. The next two songs, worse, I never even touched them. Maybe I practiced too much for piano, and had no time for guitar. Maybe I shouldn't even touch my minor and diminish instruments. I can't play bach, I forgot most of the scales. Teacher's disappointed. Later I'm having class. I'm not prepared. I was never prepared. Even if I did, he still think I did not practice. But now I really didn't. What is he gonna say? He's not scolding me. But I know I'm disappointing him. Haih. I know how's it like having a student that doesn't practice. I get it. And I'm being that kind of student.

I suck. That's why I don't even have the rights to be envious of people. They put effort, to achieve whatever they achieve. I did not. I'm 'lazy'. I shouldn't be mad whenever they say that. They're right. He said, " please, don't throw it aside. Spm is this year. Your exam is this year too. You're running out of time.. please memorize this by next week..." I remember it, but I didn't do anything about it..... neglect studies or music? Pick one. Pick.....

I'm so tired.

"What happened,  why were you two looking for her in such serious face?"
"She brought phone to school and I caught her..."
"Then what happened? Took her phone?"
"No, her sister came to pick her up. She looked so bitchy and mean."
"Her sister was a librarian too. And we all hate you all, prefects."

She smiled bitterly.

Maybe that prefect would accept your doubts. But after all this, she's doubting you back. I kinda think. I'm always serious bout things. You know that right? I know I needa change that. People tell me, I'm hard to be with. Especially my family. Cuz they know me, the most.

I don't allow myself to joke around. Cuz I don't like it when I'm so damn serious and people are just making fun. Feel like getting played. Yesterday night, our talk reminded me of something I didn't want to think. I actually succeeded not thinking about it, but I guess I can run but I can never hide?

I doubt too, ya know. I just forgotten about it, for a while. About her. I'm not doubting your loyalty. I'm doubting,,, bout... I don't think I can put these in words.

I hope you're serious about us. That's all.

I'm sorry I drafted this. I didn't wanna let you know. Cuz when you doubted me, I felt so terrible. I don't want you to feel the same, it sucks. But if you wanna know, I'll let you know. So many things happened in the past month. When you kissed my cheeks, my reactions changed, from super shy to ... gahh I wanna kiss you back. Things change real fast. Who knows what will happen eh? :P
Sorry..

我們

終於有機會打華文。

自從和他一起，就短短的……還沒到四個星期，就有許多的上上下下。生活很多時候，都沒能在一起，不能看見他，他不能看見我。有很多事情，有很多擔心。哭過，笑過，發神經地想念過（還在想念著），感覺好瘋狂。

每一次吵架，他都不會讓我難過地睡過一天。我是愛哭包。但吵架時都不會哭，而是他道歉的時候，我才哭。好白痴喔。
每一次吵架，我都重新被提醒，他多愛我、我多愛他、多不能失去他、多想和他度過下半生。
每一次吵架，我覺得我更幸福。有他的我好幸福。四年在下半生裡，小兒科嘛。不是完全無法見面。每一次見面，更珍惜你，就好了。

每段感情，一定有小摩擦。這些小摩擦都是來考驗我們的。你放心，我不會放棄。永遠不會。我不會變心。你啊。偷心賊！:) 弄得我，每次聽見手機響，就期待又興奮。弄得我，無時無刻想起你，就傻瓜那樣，白痴自己爽自己笑。去上art class，每時每刻都好想你。

我要當你一輩子的支持者。我愛死愛死愛死你。千萬別懷疑。不管你在不在，你一直都會在，在我腦海裡。不會離開你了。你知道嗎，我覺得，我好幸福。好幸福好幸福。你怎麼罵，也許可以短暫罵走我。但你罵不走我的心。

<3 p="">

You

Fuck. You think I wanna sleep late? You think I wanna NO MOOD to do!? It was you. Doesn't matter who affects my day, they don't affect me doing things. Only you do. You. You think I don't give a shit? How do I give a shit? Can you come and live my life and try to think what to tell me again? You don't know. If I can, of course I'll sleep earlier. You know how pig I am. I'm always tired. You know I have naps. I have enough rest. I'm so trying my best to catch up whatever shit the class is doing. It's just for the week. I'm so fed up. Why do you speak like that. I'm about to sleep and now I'm typing with speed. Wide awake. Yeah I need to finish them. Sleep? Maybe later. Like that isit? Finish my work means no rest. You want me to rest. How bout hw? How bout other things? You're my first priority. But you don't know, I don't wanna throw you aside. I rather leave the things behind and do it when you're asleep or wtv. I didn't have time at all. Cuz I don't wanna throw you aside, I'm so dying. You know??

I'm such a failure. Guitar teacher thinks I don't practice. I kinda agree with him cuz my fingertip skins are getting thinner. It sucks. You think I don't wanna practice?  How to even squeeze out time when you're so tired to death!? Violin teacher thinks I play badminton all the time. Which sucks too. Huh. My badminton sucks like hell. If I were the audience,  I would mock at myself. Oh this girl, trained for freaking two years plus? Haha. So funny. And we get under five for thirty points. Whenever I partner with you,  if you could read my mind, you would go crazy reading it. It's so hopeless. I'm such a failure. And you think I don't care about myself. Idk. I only know,  I care more bout you,  how you think. I don't do well in studies, in music, in badminton, even with you, even with my family,  I'm a big ass failure. What else can I do? How do you think of essays when you have the word "What else can I do?" In my head all the time. I dk how. I'm so enough. Next time I reborn I would like to be a tree. Stressless. My life will be like this, for another three years. I think I can manage to live. Nah I'm sure I can. I just have to disappoint everyone.

Fml. It's the middle of the night. I'm having freaking running nose. I wanna cry. I wanna sing out loud. My sister's asleep. What can I do at this moment. How can I finish my essay having all shit in my head. We're just together for three weeks. What's wrong with us? They say everyone has to fail once. I don't want. I don't want to fail being with you. But it's just not right like this. You don't even feel that I'm yours. I don't really 'don't give shit'. I can't. It's gonna be a loooong midnight. Fuck

One day

I feel fucking useless. I can't do anything about it. Don't tell me that I'm busy. Don't tell me what activities I have to take care of. Yeah there's a long list. But do you know! ? You're up ahead all those things. You're the top in my list. I would like to clear the days, just to be with you. I would like to be with you all the time...  the worst thing is I can't do anything bout it!! It's not that I am busy. I am never busy to be with you! You should know that freaking clearly! In one whole freaking week, you only have one day. And that's the only day I'm not having freedom. I know,  it's not that you wanna have so less time here. You have uni. But can't you see what I have, don't 'forget it' me. I can't do homework. I can't do anything now. I just wanna freaking clear my Saturday,  completely for you...

You should know that. What am I supposed to do!??? There's nothing I can do.......... if you don't mind, I don't mind too. Cuz my forever is yours. When you're done with uni, I'm all yours. You'll have me until I die. That's a long time. Can you wait? I didn't mind, cuz I know you won't change your mind, right? Maybe you were right. I'm too young for you. I don't have freedom. But can you wait??

四年, 算什么?? 我这辈子属于你了, 还怕我们没有一起的时光吗? 你愿意等吗?

Lost

OI just lost.

Hmm I need to think why did I lost. I wasn't fast enough, so I got played. And I was too worried that I'll hit out, so I hit lighter, that's why I got smashed. She smashed me, while I wasn't fast enough to rush to the center. I wanted to hit far corners, but my judgement wasn't so accurate, I hit abt three outs? On the left side. Ish.

How did I get 16. Most points was gained from drops. She couldn't take my drops. Some was her mistakes. Some was my nets so beautifully played (I'm so perasan.) What else? Damn idk.

He saw me play, the two teachers saw me play. They say I got to work on lobbing harder. And they say my drops are awesome. Hmm. One more thing was changing styles. I guess I'm too predictable that she could imagine where I was planning to hit all the time, except those few drops.

I wasn't as nervous as the first round. Tho the assunta girl wasn't good. During the second round, I was quite conscious, I could hit as hard as I could (unlike during form3, scared to death). And when our score was like.. 20-10, I was thinking, I'm gonna lose, but I'm gonna lose beautifully. There was once, I lifted her netted shot so badly, that she could tap. I actually turned around and avoided it. It's called, I give up this point.  But she tapped and hit the net. Hoho.

Gotta train harder.

Accept?

I thought I was accepting all the doubts. I know if I don't, it's me who's gonna suffer. We're gonna have so many endless arguments abt this. That's not I want. I want your trust, not these endless fights. So I'm gonna accept. Cuz I know, I'm confident with your feelings. Maybe, you don't have to be confident in mine, it's enough that you want me,  even when you didn't trust me.

I almost started one. Daaamn it. What's wrong with me. I would like to listen everything you've thinking, and I'll share whatever I'm thinking too. Thank you for being honest about this, you know,  telling me you don't trust me enough yet. Woohoo I appreciate it. Ish but I can't.

People are complicated. They're depressed all the time. But if they accept all shits happening around them, everything is good, they'll always be thankful. Sounds easy to be happy huh? It's not so easy to accept that. If you trust me, even if I'm with a gang of guys, you'll know, my heart is yours, they're just people around, but not that kind of around. If you trust me you don't have to worry. I don't know how to stop your worries. For me, I think, being with someone, I'll try my best to make sure he's happy, relaxed anytime. But if that source of worries are because of me, wtf am I supposed to do?

I'm so clueless. Oh get over with it!!!

.

Toss and turn. I can't sleep that time, not because I already have enough sleep. I was excited, extremely looking forward for the weekend. But that something I'm looking forward for, it's just gone.

I was disappointed when he promised but didn't show himself, I was damn pissed with her canceling the plans, on the day before whatever we planned. I was a little very mad when I can't get the thing I'm promised while it's such a simple thing to do.

I hate that feeling but I know, there's reasons. And my expectations. Expectation kills remember? That's how disappointments exist. But it's ok. I'm not that good yet but I'll learn to deal with it. And I will stop any expectations.

You don't have to make time for me, but it'll be even better if there's no promises for me to look forward to. So expecting you to not be here, it'll be better. Less disappointments you know. Go do whatever you're busy doing.

I don't wanna be your burden, don't wanna make you so tired. So go on. I'll wait.

School.

First day of school. Quite... chaotic. I'm ready to start my 2015 resolution, study hard! Those disciplinary teachers are completely different from last years, awesome ones became normal teachers. Oh those two, I thought I would kill them if I see them, but never mind. Last year and I'll be gone! The school, corridors are becoming so crowded all the time, I remember I go there around seven, I was early, didn't expect this.

The class was still quite awesome,  sweet classmates remain, just little changes. I actually... missed them. Our block remained too, and I've got rid of an old habit: staring out the window, even tho I'm still sitting at the side. But I could imagine him there. Tbh, even if he's not my crush anymore, I still miss him, a bit, as a friend. Anyway, I didn't have that expected emptiness after he graduated, instead I'm missing you, getting excited for tomorrow.

The crazy gang didn't sit together, I didn't wanna sit together with them, cuz of my targets, I think it'll be better to stay out of distractions. The school schedule is so packed, I can't find a day that we could bring less books. No such thing as less books. Recess was still busy, I'm gonna be heading to the library all the time(sigh). And the canteen was a little bit different. I didn't even take a look at the food, guess I should save money. School ends so damn late. I'm gonna keep in shape.

This is the first time, I feel that I'm less blur than her. I was always the blur one, but now, HA! :3  I'm getting things. I'm focused. Still, a little bit dreamy, cuz your songs were always in my head.

"They say, if you dive into a relationship during high school,  you'll screw up your results, but I think you're might not, cuz he's making you energetic, and have the power to get better results. "

Cuz thinking of you gives me that power. :3 hey you, I'm gonna get good results, and be a good pillow, and you're gonna ace your degree! Jiayou, I love you <3

證

嗨讀者。這幾天真的破產了！我的媽呀。交往之前看到面子書的9gag，每次顯示，一個男人交往前的錢包多麼厚，交往後又多麼薄。總是覺得，女生不應該這樣，就很……亂來，很破壞所有女生的尊嚴，總覺得，我有了男朋友，絕對不可以，叫他買這買那，要什麼，我自己付就好了。覺得花人家的錢，很沒有風度。雖然他覺得，請女友是應該的啊。還是不要好了。

“我養你。”這句，很帥。但又很不捨。怎麼舍你辛苦呢？不必為了讓我父母放心，做OT，不要累壞自己，未來我也會工作，我們可以一起面對所有所有，只希望，我們有相處的時間，那就夠了。不要比我早死。我是認真的。只要你在我身邊，我就開心了，還需要什麼？我們都不需要花錢。隨便走走也行啊。只要有你在，去哪裡都一樣。這幾天你會看到我傻傻望著你，我是在想，假期結束後，我都不能這樣看著你了。再看一眼，看看下，就傻傻望著了。我不會解釋。呵呵。

你的吻 好像在說，多麼珍惜我。我不怕你離開我，你不會，確定了，決定了。你喜歡上我，我才會喜歡上你；同樣，你愛上我，才讓我愛上了你。我放不了了喔。從今以後，我希望我們都互相坦白。趁機想跟你說，我……真的離開不了你了，要親你證明，卻一直猶豫。我不是在懷疑，我是膽小鬼，呵呵呵呵。

第一次的牽手，後悔了幾個月。這個吻，絕對不會後悔。你的行動，給我了很多肯定。讓我一定也要主動點，踏出第一步，證明我對你的感覺，你是不用懷疑的。你是我第一個親的男生喔。第一個！*害羞*！你湊近我，我大概猜到你要幹嘛了。閉上眼，真的是因為眼睛累，也在配合你吧。

2015年，我會徹徹底底，放了所有過去的事，我會永遠支持你，我會努力讀書拿好成績，我會乖不讓你擔心。你開學了，會很忙。你要加油加油喔。我看，我上課不管多麼專心，也會想你吧，會從心裡送力量過去，你會收到吧？加油，但不要累壞自己。我怕怕。帕尼離開我也是啊。我們來，一起努力。

我愛你愛你。已經開始想你了。嘻，明天能夠見面。<3 nbsp="" p="">

嗨

噢噢噢噢噢噢噢終於有機會寫華文了！還蠻想念打中文博客的。最近真的上上下下。我覺得，我是世界上最幸福的人了，以為打球之後，不是全身痛，就是累，就是小腿粗粗，就常常罵粗口，就愛錯人，就一大堆意外。原來愛錯真的會影響很多。我為了他拒絕了多少個人，我為了他，他差點就錯過了我。

一起之前，雖然是確認了他對我的感覺，但就會擔心他會不會堅持下去，擔心他到底是不是真心，擔心他會不會愛上別人。不懂哪天開始，我知道，他不會耍我的，他是我看過，做事最認真的人。他用功又認真的表情，那不被征服的精神，那滿滿希望的精神，那不退縮的毅力，超級，超級超級吸引人。總覺得，我要像他一樣。我要像他一樣，那麼用功。我欣賞這樣的人。有方向的人，才可靠。他會愛上我，是我的榮幸。我的第一個，要是最後一個。他答應實現我這超級傻又難的夢。感覺很不可能吧。我對我們有信心。他雖然還有些懷疑，但這我問心無愧。

我所謂的上上下下，就是他的懷疑。其實是我小題大做。沒必要那麼在意嘛。那天差點就出事了，多害怕他會放手，多怕他不再是我的。我喜歡，他從背後緊緊抱，我喜歡，他偷走我所有的第一次。第一次在你身上，值得到不懂該怎麼形容了。我喜歡他妒忌我誇那超帥的歌手，很可愛你知道嗎？ xD 

原來被疼是這樣的感覺。嚐一口你說的愛我，真的會開心一天。想念那溫暖的肩，想念你的全部。啊他媽的，雖然接下來這四年你會忙，我會忙。那我會更珍惜和你一起的時光。我不能沒有你。謝謝你害怕失去我。謝謝你要挽救我。謝謝你愛我。 <3 div="">

你要好好照顧自己，在宿舍不要過度逼自己，不要那麼給自己那麼壓力，孤單了找我就是了。我一定會陪你。不要喝那麼多酒，不要做危害身體的事！希望你健健康康，要安全的，要好好的。你是我的依靠了。如果有一天你走掉，我真的 會不懂該怎麼辦。你不忍心吧。你要陪我一輩子喔。<3 div="" nbsp="">

你要相信我。

Blogging

The worst thing about blogging, is the more I write,  the more I make myself into thaaat feeling. When I'm mad, I blog, I make myself so damn pissed that no one can get near me. Maybe that anger will release,  but it has to be when I'm done writing.

When I'm sad, I type, I end up crying crazily. That's so freaking bad. My face can fake my thoughts. But damn. Eyes will hurt like shit the other day. Fking bad effect. Conclusion,  you don't have to be guilty cuz I blogged, and I made myself like this.

Only advantage: I am able to write whatever I think. It's like... confession page! Haha :3. I guess, no matter you believe or not, I can just crap whatever in my mind here! So awesome. I actually have something to say. Erm. Uh.

I pulled you close to me, for a few times, but I didn't do anything, actually, you know what I wanna do right? I guess I'm more coward than you! @@ cuz I couldn't do it. Idk why. Sorry. ><

...

Maybe I'm not able to have my first as my last. You're doubting. Why would you kiss me if you don't trust me. I really don't get it. How do we even maintain if you can't trust me. Your phobia? Maybe your heartbreaks are caused by your doubts towards them! I can't accept if my boyfriend thinks I'm cheating on him. I can't accept being think thaaat way! You know me. Maybe this being honest doesn't even help cuz you're doubting. Whatever I'm trying to tell you, will be stated here! And if you're doubting me, you're doubting everything here. You're far away all the time. You're busy. You're doubting me. Time, we don't have much time. Don't, if you're unsure, I'm unsure, feel like losing you. How can you make me so attached to you and tell me that you don't trust me enough. Push me away then! Just tell me. Tell me to leave you alone, tell me that you don't trust me. I'll stop holding you, I'll stop leaning I'll do whatever to make myself go away,  at least be crushless again if it's what it should be! Damn I don't think I can live this. Tell me I'm better being your friend your junior. I could tell you. congratulations, that she accepted you after a month's investigation, I could tell you, I'll appreciate your last days here cuz I know you're leaving, you were my best friend, that I'm ready to say goodbye.

Damn it, why date me, why make me start loving you. It's too late that I'm already into you. Maybe this year is just gonna be like last year. Pointless. Ah maybe I should get back to whatever I should be doing,  not spending time for someone that doesn't even trust me. My way of doing things should be.... don't let anyone affect me. What the fuck am I doing. I might have just repeated my mistakes. I let that dude hold me. Now worse. Why won't I ever learn. I'm so fucking stupid. I liked him for two years, I probably should continue. Everyone has to fail once huh? You told me cuz you're failing me ? I would rather continue that never ending pointless crush. You made me can't lose you. Why did you do that?

Screw it I'm gonna die everyday.

That look

Cuz when you kissed me, I couldn't believe it. Thought, I might be dreaming. I'm a daydreamer. Watched so many movies, dramas, and read books, I always wonder, how does getting a kiss from the guy I love the most feels like? Must be so awesome,, I thought.

At first, I felt it, I thought, maybe you're just holding my hands near you, and idk if I'm really feeling what I'm feeling, felt so... fairytale! Then my left cheek, I thought, I am sure that you're kissing me. I'm like in a movie, and you're my lead actor, and I'm your girl. That's why I couldn't stop smiling, I guess. I just stared and smile, thinking that... I'm so lucky that I didn't let anyone else steal my first from me, I'm lucky that I met you.  <3. Cuz you're the one. I'm sure, as long as you love me, we could last a lifetime! Don't you worry. Once you steal my heart, I can't see anyone else anymore.

Distance is not so big problem.  I have a friend that falls for a guy in US. They have this time problem. She has to wake early, he has to stay up late. They could work, we probably could too. It's not necessary to see each other soo much, cuz six days proves how much I'll miss you, I'll tell everything to let you feel however I'm feeling here, while you're far away, to make you feel that you're living my life too. We're lucky we found each other at this moment, maybe it's too early, we're both young, but why not think that... we're so much luckier than people cuz we got together early so we could have much longer time together?

Before I left, I wanted to kiss you back, that's why I stopped, hesitated to go, just.. too shy to do it. Hehe XD give me some time. Mmm explain that look huh. I can't explain that excitement while getting a kiss from my favourite person ever! When I look at you, I'm just wishing that you could really be mine forever :3 hehehe not too cheesy for you huh? <3

Love your kisses, love your hugs, love you, loving me back. :3