Hey.

I was a little tired. Had some short naps. Set plenty of alarms, they worked. It's bad, I can't study reference book. It's too different. But there's no other choice. My bad.

My whole body's having muscle pain. Damn. Kills me in every move. I'm gonna study crazily tonight. Have a little drink to accompany me.

Hey. I know it's bad to have a bad bad cough. Idk, but. Two years ago, on sports day, I started having fever. Then, runny nose and cough. That was also before violin exam. Was so nervous that I couldn't sing. Luckily it wasn't that bad during the exam, it got thaaaat bad after the exam. Then it lasted for like.... five or six months. Weird huh. Form two.

You'll get better... :) believe.

Im not sure what the heck is wrong with me these days. I worried that us doesn't work out, I can't achieve what I'm interested in studying, you getting dengue again, stampede in bersih. Something's just not right. Everything doesn't felt right. I'm just worried and I don't know why.

Need to focus..

Yip main said, one of her honest opinions towards me was, it's great to have a strong target, a strong point of view. I guess it's not that strong.

When I was younger, I always imagined myself studying overseas. Think it would be a nice experience. Now I'm sure, they're all imaginations.

Every time my friends ask me, where you gonna study, overseas?
Nah, I don't think so. I can't leave him behind.
Then they be like, that's why, get a gf in college is safer.
I don't agree with that anyway. You might get an American gf. Then you have to fly all over for your family, or she does that. One person has to suffer.

I'll study something else then.

Parents. They just won't shut the fuck up. I know you wanna help. You can't help to make me feel less useless. You can't help to make me stop hating myself. I can't do ANYTHING!!! I'm just here. I'm sad that the world is something we cant change. We can't change the fact that humans die. Nothing can change that.

Stop asking me what's wrong. Stop talking to me. I want to be alone. Don't look at my face.

I know I can't do anything. But when he's suffering, I can't even hold him. I wanna put down everything. I wanna put everything aside for him. But I'm trapped here. Having trials next week. Can you help me? Help me pause my life while I go into his. Help me pause them all so I could be with him but not neglecting studies at the same time. Get me out of here, let me stay with him. Let me hold him.

Nah, parents. They won't allow. Dangerous huh. Let me tell you what's dangerous. A person giving up on herself. A person who could use the time to study but sat there being upset blankly instead. A person feeling like suiciding so badly but trying to live. A person dying inside, because she can't even care for what she cares for.

I wish I know meditation. I would stop my heart from beating. The best way to suicide.

Nightmares are actually good. It reminds us of how the world isn't that scary. Unless, you're getting nightmares even when you're not asleep. It means your life is screwed. There's no way out except dying.

Truth

Today's truth or dare. I asked a their honest opinion deep down in their heart. So arrogant ass started then me then yip man. Not gonna say the details. It's cool to let a friend know deep down what do you hate the most. It's like... a moment we had some knots opened up. It's a release. Connection between people, it's maintained with that.... honesty. It's a cool thing. Cool to know that I hated him sometimes and he hated me sometimes too. Cool to know, they salute me.

Oh by the way. I think I remembered what I put as her nickname here. Drama queen? Yip man and she, said that... they salute me for having so much to cope, and still could survive. Actually, nah. I couldn't cope. My guitar skills are OK. The rest are not so OK, and I quit two of them. My results? Look at the way I stare at add math papers. I can't cope. When all three things went crashing on me, I collapse, and waste a few days to heal that mental shit. I suck, you all just didn't know. Things are getting better Cuz I'm only focusing on studies now... I'm not as strong as you guys imagined... there's nothing good about jack of all trades, cuz at the end you'll be master of none.

I once thought that way too. I thought my face can mask everything. I thought it wasn't that bad. You guys are sweet, supporters. I don't need any words. I just need you guys to stop staring at my eyes, and stop giving me that pitiful look. Like lychee, she never suspected that I cried. She never knew many unhappy parts in my relationship. But she knew me well. Ish I just hate it that she has to say "Oh my god you didn't sleep? Did you studied everything? your eyes are extremely small!" Shut up, lychee. I dodge her. No one has to know. I could face the fucking wall in class, with LRT.

Open up to each other. That's how people connect to each other. Let shits go, it's all balanced anyway. Forget and forgive.

Wood. I'll be OK even if we don't meet. I'll just keep missing you. I'll look at your photos, I'll wait till we meet, then tell you everything at once, if I remember. I'll be OK, cuz when you're busy, I'll be here studying anyway. I just wish to kill all that doubts, I just wish you trust me and you don't even need to question me shits. I just wish we knew how to talk, even when both our worlds are stressing us out. I just need your hug. Please don't let me break up with you..

The most painful thing, wasn't period, wasnt back pain or gastric or headache or whatever shit pain. Wasn't having stupid arguments with you.

It's having the thought that we can't work out anymore. It's.... having that decision to let go, even tho you're everything to me.. that sucks.

"Do I look normal?"
"Yeah, are you not feeling normal?"
Nah.

Yesterday, I wanna tell you lots of stuff. Mostly bout school, bout what happened at guitar class, what way you appeared in my dream. However, I had a nap and guess you'd get mad about that. I actually think I'm doing great, Cuz the last time I overnapped was last last week, and I can't even remember the time before that day that I overnapped. Today, In school, I thought I wanted to tell you those stuff that I didn't, but I expected some messages that I hate the most. It happened anyway. I guess we can't have a normal conversation?

Thought you said, don't write stuff on blog, write them to you. You're funny. You online and chose to ignore them. Wow, and you said send them to you? You're kidding me. Anyway. I'll go back to blog then, since you're so fucking busy.

Today was OK at school. I hope yip man could join us for badminton, Cuz now there's only three of us, it's just so not right. Our school hours was busy. These days having that crazy form to fill, and those stupid teachers running around the school, we can't even complete that shit on time. Homework, all teachers are crazily giving handouts. They gonna kill us. The only entertainment was truth or dare. Tho telling whatever one asks is the way to play, but, kinda glad that they respected when it's a super crazily private question.

Many of them asking, what I'm gonna do after Pre u. I know what I want. I have that aim. But I'm not telling anyone who thinks I can't. That's why, I didn't tell the two of them. Arrogant ass asked me a bio question today. I knew that, studied so deeply, beyong our syllabus, and had weird notes that I'm not showing anyone(they'd think I'm weird & nerdy doing things like this). I answered that effing question, but all he could say was, "I'm gonna ask xxxxx." It kinda meant, "I don't believe you, " or "I don't have that confidence in you so I'm gonna ask someone else."

That's why, I'm not telling them. Same goes to you. Through the way everyone do things, hoe they talk, how they face shits, I know it if you're the one that will think, I can't.

I'm gonna prove it to you all.

And you know what's not discipline? Arrogant ass. The best example I could find. He doesn't study, but has too much confidence in himself. I think, this year, I'm doing as good as ever. Maybe, a little bit of fb, sometimes wasting time on stupid things, but I study. You should be worried if I have enough sleep. Cuz that means, I didn't study enough, and I'm gonna screw up my results.

Thanks again. Thanks a lot.

What job would not have stress? If you become a teacher, a class of students' future depend on you. You teach bad, they all gg. If you become a doctor, you might diagnose wrongly, you might made your patients lose their lives. If you're a clinical pathologist, you might have done wrongly on investigating a disease, and consulted the doctor wrongly. If you're a engineer, you might have false assumptions, you might cause death of a mother who's just trying to walk up across the escalator. Whatever you do, you can cause chaos. Why not go die. Why are there still those people out there? Those jobs are in demand. It's not that you can't do anything in this shitty country. Yeah, I removed a part of my previous post bout what I thought of studying. I said, I wanna investigate this shit. And kick dengue's ass. Whn a person is suffering from the disease, it's not just that person is suffering. Those people that love him so much, are suffering too. I get that. That's just part of my thought. I also removed that... you suggested Gynecology. I thought of that months before you suggested, but that's not my top choices. Main point is, if people out there think like this, avoid to risk because of stress... the world will suffer then. Don't risk huh. What do we live for ? We will die anyway, why not skip this awful process of living?

We live to change the world, people pass down knowledge from generation to generation to improve the world. What's the point of living, if you don't leave anything beneficial to this world?

Was trying to tell you that... after our talk, I cancelled my first choice. I cancelled it, and it left an empty space there. You know what, I can't study without a target. It's like I just lost mine. And now, I don't know where to go anymore.

I'm lost. Can't believe everytime I ask what will you think I'll do, you be like MIA. You just won't get it. Music is my last choice. If everything else can't be possible, then I'll be forced to go there.

My dad said, "Don't say that you're not smart enough, no one's ever not smart enough. Everything's have it's risk. You can't avoid risking."

Yeah. Even sitting on a chair is risky, it might collapse and you break your spine. It's risky, living.