#Spm2015 biology

So I brought my OKU self to bio. I love this muscle pain xD. Feels more like home.

Paper 1 was extremely satisfying, I think. I thought it was easy but didn't dare to have much confidence before I check the answers. Turned out, yup satisfying!

Paper 2. Oh damn plants. I think some of the questions are weirdly stupid. Why does the watermelon has more seeds than the mango? Are you asking about how it reproduced that made the seeds numerous? Or are you asking so we could write something like uh it adapted so it won't go extinct? There's like so many types of answers I pictured. Ugh. It's so weird.

Paper 3. I kinda almost felt too moodless to study just now. It can't get in. I spent the night, days studying theories but neglected experiments. Ah hell. So I actually borrowed a copy of the whole set of experiments taken from our dear smarty pants. I gave up J tube. Honestly. There wasn't enough time, so fucking panicking, ugh hell. But one first look at the paper gave much hope. I read that before! Dry mass, oven, ohyeahhhfuck.

So overall should be ok. Felt ok. Felt as ok as any exam I ever took. Will it be ok? Ah

So happy it's over... worth it.

Back to court.

Yep my niche is still fucked. Trying to switch back and reset that circadian rhythm hahaha.

Guess what, guess what! I realized that it's not that I get full easily. Dad brought us to this huge portion restaurant. The portion is like.... meals for cows. I ate them all, and still helped my aunt.
So fucking full. So now I'm always 'enough'. Doesn't have to be full. Lol.

Today I ran. It's awesome but not so awesome, because I'm so easily tired, it's not normal anymore. I'm ready for the following muscle pains. :3 I remember someone said "Too long no badminton can kill someone." I almost died.

Thanks for the wait. I knew that you were nice because you're you, not just to hit on me. Hahhaha :3 you're still awesome.
Ah I hope you don't mind that I can't stop calling you that. I'm so used to it, calling your name feels weird. :3 Anyway, add oil for your tests. Let's add oil together.

Have you ever had a mosquito bite on one of your toes, so you use any rough surface to scratch it as hard as you can, then suddenly realized it's not a mosquito bite .😂 it's a freaking cut.
Something's wrong with me. I had a vertical bruise 😂 a strain(at least I think that's what it is)  a cut.

No, no, I didn't self harm to get all these lol. I was just reckless. Hitting here and there. But Idk how I get that cut and strain. How do you get a cut on your little toe? And that left ankle, probably some weird studying position. Luckily it didn't affect running& badminton, just several sitting positions. Weird shits.

XD

Nocturnal shit.

I have a disrupted niche problem.
Remember that food chain chapter?

Spm made me nocturnal. No. Actually it made me forget to go to sleep in a proper bed, so I usually rest by falling asleep in a fucking studying position. Terrible shit, yeah.

Third horrible subject, finally a break! That paradisy nap ruined it all. To me, I feel so morning now. It's fucking 1:43....

Let's see how I switch myself back to normal, after all this.....

I'll just study.
Let's hope I can wake up on Monday, to take the exam. Let's hope...

10 hours

10 hours of bio! Can you imagine that?
"There's no such thing as too much, for biology."
Yup, there's no boundary for learning.

We actually joined Ang class, it's so full because of these thirsty peeps, desperately fishing for more useful information.

So tired.

Sigh.

So we made it, 10 hours. It's actually torturing. I just had 15 consecutive sneeze-combos. Wait. Make it 17. It wasn't that bad this morning.

Haiz. But I'm lucky I went, I wouldn't have studied much in my current condition. Who's cursing me!?

Please please don't make me take bio paper with a flu.

Right right I forgot.
Today teacher shared a story to us. About this boy, that recently left because of an autoimmune disease. It's a fucking tragedy.

She told us how he hard he studied. He had every right to give up and get rest, but he didn't. Losing eyesight, muscles dysfunctioning, he skipped at least 6 months of school before spm but still managed to get few A's. And still, tried so hard to catch up in his A levels.

There are no excuses. Having a life means having chances. If that guy who suicided heard about this, he might stay strong and just keep working harder. Add math is not everything. Not giving up is everything. T.T  let's survive this shit.

#Spm chem

You know you're screwed if you think it's hard but everyone think it's easy. So fucked up. The questions were familiar. I did studied, but mostly, screwed in calculations. Ugh fuck calculations. I can't do well in anything with numbers. ...

I partially screwed two of the papers, I Thought, if I screw up paper three, I'm a piece of useless shit.

I think I didn't. 😁
Paper three. Maybe shouting openly "PLEASE DON'T BE SO HARD" works. I did that before physics, and also this.

I miss sleeping.

#SpmPhysics 2015.

Physics was ok. Definitely gonna get a better result, than before. I'm just scared that.... what if the A standard rises too much? I kinda have quite a number of mistakes already.(but still, did well than before) haiz.

It's the first time I ever lay on the table, to sleep.
*when you don't have enough sleep, anywhere is bed.*

I heard of this news today. A boy from another school hung himself after add math paper one. I have nothing to say. It must be so hard, for the family... ugh.

Ugh. :(
Let's not over push ourselves okay? It's good to aim high but we don't have to kill ourselves just because we didn't do well. Just try your best. We only fail when we gave up. Don't give up life.

Haizz.

#spm2015 add math

7.00
Ugh. I'm so nervous. I kinda skipped meals to prevent upsetting my stomach. But. I'm afraid gastric might kill me too. Ugh. Ohgosh.

Please please don't be so hard. I need an ok credit. I've done all I could, in between these breaks. Now it's just trigo. Trigonometry kills. I don't know what is that. 😞😭😭

Don't let me leave any blanks this time. Let's do this shit.

5.00
So. It's fucking hard. First paper, I thought it'd be easier. It's not. It's fucking hard. I don't know. I think it's much better than previous exams because it's the first time I prepared a little. Second paper, It's fucking fucking hard. Ok. Tbh, I didn't leave anything blank. I wrote some shits, until I felt something wrong because I couldn't get the answer, then I skip. Not worth wasting too much time on one question right. My heart almost escaped me. Almost pass up without finishing. Oh no. Maybe, I can't get that ok credit I aimed.

What's wrong with me? I used to be better. It's not right. Ugh. :(

And now I'm still stucked here.

"Rest when you're done, not when you're tired. " says someone. Well, no rest for tonight then.
☕☕

Weird shits

If you wanna prevent weird shits.
I wanna prevent weird shits. I strongly insist, not taking breakfast before any subject. The thing is. I'm hungry already......... and it's midnight. Tomorrow's first paper lasts until 10, then until 4. No I can't skip them all.

Do I eat now? Hahahaha omg hardest decision.

Shoo, headache, why come now, shoo!
Fantastic timing! -.-

Befriended

I befriended a half blood prince. It's a funny process. He betrayed me, I blocked him. Years later, unblocked him because I can't remember what he did. One day, he messaged me an apology, which I've forgotten what he had done. So, friend accepted.

I've ignored him for a thousand times. He was just being friendly.

I was such an ass..... oh gosh why did I..

People gotta learn how to appreciate people like this. If there's a person who's always there no matter how shitty you treated him/her, don't let that friend go. That's a weird yet awesome chance for a (maybe long)lasting friendship.

Already done

Sometimes. If I say I'm full, I'm full! Doesn't matter I ate already, or not! Yes I know. These days, I don't have much appetite. Just let me. Ugh. I'm not lying!

My grandma thought that I'm lying, because I wanna keep in shape. Hell no! I still do, eat, okay. -.- why would someone insist not to believe me because she strongly thinks it's impossible? It's possible okay.

People come and go. Things change. My appetite changed, my beliefs changed. Probably has got a lot to do with the mood. I'm not happy! Stop forcing me to eat. Rice bucket becoming a little teacup? Yes it's not natural, it's not right, BUT IT ALREADY HAPPENED.

"Sometimes you gotta accept the fact that certain things will never go back to how they used to be. " - someone.

It's hard but just fucking accept that! Many of my stupid habits changed, accept that. I'm not the same, accept that. Went through some shit and changed, accept that. It's already done.

Tree.

I wouldn't mind if it's tsunami tsunami. Tsunami tsunami kills instantly and that's a great way to die. But if it's that Tsunami, few fucking days before the hardest subjects, ohhhh fuck it. It's so unfair. It's so unfair!

Why do some asses still gaming at this point of their lives. Why do they have the opportunity to even choose to study or not while some of us having a bloody avalanche or tsunami everywhere. It's so unfair! We get to unvoluntarily dodge and find safe places to go, and get tired because of all those shits, and THEY, those lazy asses won't take their awesome opportunity to study, but do shits like that. It's so so unfair!

Fuck that guy.

I Wanna Be A Fucking Tree. FML.

20/11/2015.

So there's something I never done before, but I know how to do it.

Have you ever been so fed up of life, you feel like starting all over again? To me, I think the first step is getting rid of all the stuff that hurts me. Cleaning this fucking shit air con. The filters are dirty, maybe that's the reason my sinuses are back, they detect dust. I've never done this before, but it's actually easy. Open up that cover(holding your breath), remove the filters, and wash.

Next? I wanna remove my goddamn gonads so badly because I know they are fucking useless! That's one thing I can't get rid of. `&#(!)

Next, this blog.. Dear dear stalkers. I realized that I've been drafting very often, so often that the published posts are reducing. I realized that I typed, but only published positive ones. Maybe I don't feel like exposing the depressing sides anymore. I tell them, my blog is the only place I'm fully honest about my feelings, but now it's not anymore.

One of the stalkers said to me. It's okay to be not okay. I used to blog when I'm unhappy because I think it releases the unhappiness, it helps relieve the pain. For now, blogging doesn't help anymore. I don't know the purpose of blogging anymore. 

Now on, only positive posts will appear. I'll wear a smile through life, in the media, and also in reality. This blog officially, considered dead.

Nothing feels alive.

Physucks. PhySUCKS.

That frustration. You realized how much you hate physics. Much more than add math, maybe. That frustration, increased with the awfulness of the weather. And when your air con doesn't work. And when you're sweating like hell and you wanna concentrate.

............

OH COME ON.
恨不得立刻馬上星期三。快點考完它。拜託。no. I'm never gonna touch physics after next weds. Ohgodddd Ihatephysicss!!!

That's it. I'm going somewhere.

Thanks!

I never imagined how it'll be like to.........

Understand everything in add math! Gosh it seemed so impossible.. a big big thank you to yip man. Hahahahahahaha :3 so nice of youuu to sacrifice some time teaching this idiot shit who doesn't have math logic, while you're having your own limited study time left. 真是太感動了。

It's very very nice of you, today. Well, I can say that I used to always leave add math questions blank.... I hope I can write something in all of them this time. Thanks for that. :)

Green tea ice cream 😍 is awesome.

Let us all

I was mad about something, how annoying my nose is, how thoughts stop me from studying, how my mom was mad at me.

I saw a post from fb, how syrian children sleep.  That made everything nothing. I'm glad I have a chance to be mad at all those things. I'm glad I have money to pay for the book I lost, I have not just a bed but a stack of mattresses to sleep on. Can you believe that? Their wishes, he hopes he has a chance to sleep on a bed. They get bombed in the middle of nowhere, instantly losing the one they love the most.

I'm glad I saw that how people out there are suffering. That's some depressing shit. I cried watching sad movies and korean dramas, dreams being trashed and broken, reading Giddens novels and others, and some random shit, but it's the first time, reading a depressing true-story-post. I have a new aim to go for, now.

Let us all be grateful that we have a bed to sleep on, we have spbt books to borrow, have storybooks to look forward reading them, having the chance to sit in the exam hall, and having a safe place to live that we don't have to worry getting blow up everyday. Let's be thankful that our families are safe, our love ones are safe, and chasing his dreams... Let us all work hard, so we can lend a hand to help them because we can.

Spm2015 moral.

Fuck everyone.

I had a chance to lie and it'll all be over. No one will know and no one will give shit. I hate that little voice in my head telling me, hey, you know it's not right to do this. Don't do this.
Well at least I don't have to feel guilty until the end of all this. Yep it's my fault, I have to face these shitty consequences because I can't let myself lie that shit.

Ugh. I'll earn that money.

Fuck today. The moment when you are the only one sniffing and sneezing all day, in a quiet exam hall, which isn't that quiet anymore because of your noise pollution. Are you cursing me to get sick now!? Next week will be the hard ones. Don't do that please.

Moral? It was ok. But I realized I had one nilai wrong at the back. Five marks gone. Two nilais without definition, two marks gone. Can I get an A? Idk. Hope the bullshit skills make it A.

So next one is add math.
Don't curse me.

So f fed up of living.

#spm2015 modmath

Maybe we had wrongly blamed the midnight. Maybe it wasn't the time that makes people emotional. Maybe it's just the silence.

Oh today we had mod math. It's wonderfully easy. They say, you need to do many many exercises to master the harder & weirder questions(I'm talking bout transformation). But to me, maybe yeah we need a few exercises. But sometimes you have to have that logic, that common sense(which I dont have lol). All four types of them came out, but they're easy. Just it's stupid for a physics question to appear here now (I haven't touch much of physics yet!)

Unexpectedly, there's so much time left! Half an hour for us to check again and again. And the class was so quiet. That silence was so fucking dangerous.

Yes, in the middle of exam, my mind could easily wander off everywhere. I can think about how the Paris attack victims told their story, imagine a day out with 38's, part time, my very very future pet (probably a dog), me driving, memories, and stuff. I miss playing badminton too ohgosh. I need to sweat, a lot a lot, I miss that muscle pain I get after all the pushups. 

Spm#2015 so bored!

Gosh I'm excited for add math exam now. Will that intensive-catch-up make "almost fail" to an "OK credit"?

Ramalan

One of my after spm plan is know about more stuff, as in, news, politics, basically everything that I didn't give a damn to know about it. When people tell me bout news, I'm like woah I didn't know that. That felt stupid. Well for now, the Paris issue is all over fb. I read the comments, it's not everyday we get to see how people view about it.. I was like what's ISIS? They brought in refugees from where? What's suicidal bombs?

The last question of sejarah paper two. There's this picture of missiles and bombs. Teknologi kini telah blahbllaah improvising. Then RAMALKAN masa depan with this teknologi yang ''canggih" blabla. Screw my bm, no more bm.

I wrote something like world war three is definitely gonna happen, and all those shits. According to the news. It's something like that, right?

Remember I posted about why I dislike humans.... oh gosh this world is mad! My first thought is : Zaman Jahiliah is repeating itself over again. :/
Animals are way better than humans.

Stop, bacteria!

The doc suspected it's bacterial infection, Helicobacter pylori, they call it 螺旋菌 in chinese. What a weird translation. It's not that common right? Google didn't even mention that in examples of bacterial infections in GI tract. I wonder if that has anything to do with the food. According to Google, it can be spreaded so easily, saliva, hygiene, crowded living area. She's gonna go take the report on Monday. :)

I have ok appetite, but, as usual, I eat lots of extra snacks while studying. I'm supposed gain weight from that. However, weight's going down because of don't know what shit. Food poisoning? No way I guess? Lol last time I had this spoilt beverage, it had me rushing to toilet for about four times on the same day.

I read from somewhere it says, average adults have diarrhea for like four times in a year. I had like five times four. If my other family members are having these symptoms too, then it's definitely the food!

Damn, please please stop as soon as possible. Three days left! Stop it. I can't run to the toilet in the middle of math paper. I'm having problems with numbers, lol.

🙏 maybe I should stop eating and see if it stops. :3 puasaa!

Looking forward

I still hate add math. Although, I'm obviously improving. Gosh these days are freaking hard to focus. Inter-spm breaks are so long. That boring environment, that List, that food, that always upsetting stomach. Can't believe I'm sick of everything, including my playlist. Ugh.

I'm looking forward to whatever's ahead. It's a lot of plans. Oh god you should see my bucket list. Especially movie bucket list... there's also a list we planned. I guess it's just me now.

I'm glad my first instinct towards sweet stuff is "It's not real." I think that saved lots of unnecessary breaks. Ooh the bigger capacity USB dad got for me arrived. It's so adorable. I'm surprised, by the time required to move Your file over there. Hahah it's huge..

Eek I wanna say something. Do you know how hard I have to dig in my spm-books&papers-piled-messy-room to find that one booklet? Hey I wanted to help. And that response was so freaking awesome. Is that the way you treat someone you ask for help? Hey I'm not even a stranger. You could be nicer, right? Hmph.
Anyways I'll try to find the other one, if you could wait. :/

Damn I'm looking forward for a workout, a swim, the first salary, reading all those books, watch horror movies alone, the first trip far away from home without close adult's company. There's so much to learn. That thirst.

Fff get me out of high school. I wonder what job will we get. Hope they accept 17 people. :/

Problems

Medicine are drugs. Are they good or bad? Seriously, I think it's like we shouldn't rely on them until we can't live without them.

My grandma has lots of health problems. Hypertension, diabetes are the major two of course. The thing is, she loves rice, bread and all starchy things. Jacob! That square cracker. She has her own way to get those stuff, so no one can actually stop her. Why do you go to a doctor if you don't wanna listen to their consults? Medicine can't be magic. She's got to control that diet. Ah old people. What can we do?

Not just that. Every morning, she goes to the park. She claims it 'jogging', but nah, it's just walking. That day she was sent back by a car, and had a hard time walking in. She said she tried to cross a drain or smtg but fell. Daaaamn. So mom brought her to clinic, and updated the bigg family group about this. Of course, we(me, my sis, and chopin cousin) are the victims. Oh gosh you should see how they criticized/insulted/scolded us. "The grand children can't do housework, blahblah."

I have the thirty second rule, which helped a lot, to prevent me talking back. So I replied 'Yes ma'am.' Deep down,
"_&#(@)!; You have no idea how to deal with this old lady, she loves to cook, you wanna make her sit there? Do you know how's it like if a person can't contribute to the house? It's like WAITING FOR THE DEATH TO TAKE HER, think about it, ladies. I have SPM. I lost my love of my life. Do any of you wanna taste all this shit? Walk in my shoes and speak again, idiots."

She still won't rest. Now her joints are inflamed. Diabetes medicine having more and more side effects(vomiting etc). Ugh I really don't like the idea of medicine. If you ask me, I never had Panadol in my whole life(since the day I'm conscious about myself), so Idk why did I kept an extra in my wallet lol.

I dislike people, but maybe that doesn't make me don't wanna help. I feel bad knowing his car accident, the most I can do is send a wish you get well message. I feel bad about my grandma being unwell all the time.
#thereasonsihatebeingyoung
Not able to study things that are really useful for the future.
Not able to even buy a little thing online.
Not able to do anything because I'm underaged.
"Hey, how do I sign up for the crew?"
"We're looking for members who are age 18-25, blahblah."

Ok. The first one doesn't fit. Forget it! Four more months. It'll be the next phase of our lives. What are my aims? I don't know? I want my presence to benefit the world. Can't wait to study to actually be useful.

Everyday,

Today was chem. I sat in the front, thanks to lychee loving me, haha. There was an accident, I heard, a guy from my previous class, got knocked down by a car. That's something you don't see everyday. I wish he's fine, tho I never called him or even talked about him. He's a not exactly a friend, just an old classmate. He's just on his way to school for chemistry extra class. Discipline head says his head can't stop bleeding, but he's conscious. Then, gangster head-like said he's fine.

Yeah and that's why, there's not always tomorrow. I wish I know you're safe, everyday. Yes five second rule. I don't care about five second rule you're still my dearest friend. Archived or not, I almost asked you, if everything's fine there. But I guess I shouldn't, since I asked about few days ago...

Being with lychee is really awesome. She tells me awesome news. There's this table, stating the marks required for respective grades for last year's spm. Damn, the highest mark needed to get A+ subject is BM. Like 84 to get A+. Daaamn. And other subjects are like 70++.

Wonderful news, her mom actually supported her for the plan. I'm not alone!! :3 after all shit we actually went to her place, by walking. It's been a long time. I haven't noticed that a side of that tree's thick branch had been cut off. And there's actually fences around the path. 

It's nice.

Anyways my point for today, stay safe. Stay fine, okay?? Haizz. I won't even know anyway, whatever's happening over there.......

Hope everyone's safe!

Homo sapiens (not so wise person)

Maybe it's not humans I hate. Maybe it's not that I have extreme negativity. MAYBE, it's because I have an extremely annoying sister that I just wish to be alone. Gossshhhhh she's SOO ANNOYING. Ok just kidding. She's just annoying.

If you're wondering. What negativity? Hm. I used to not talk about this openly, maybe just to yip man.

Why do humans exist? It's like we're all born here to find out our own selfish aim, ended up we all are destroying the world(usage of refrigerator is counted too!). In bio class, teacher asked a question, something like.. we all know that humans are overpopulated, if the government or whatever shit decides to secretly release an infertile poison or anything, to cut down population, do you agree? I'd agree. If you watch age of ultron. Why did it want to wipe out human race? Because we create war, we destroyed earth. Something like that. Look at the world. It's full of buildings, roads. Where are the trees? It'll be damn awesome if it's stated in the law or whatever, that every __km^2 of area has to have fixed amount of trees so the buyer wanna use an area, they replace the trees that's cut down. If you ask me my opinion towards genetic engineering? No. Big No. It is disrupting nature anyway.

I agree, if the government's not doing anything, I'd support the secretly release poison thingy, to make us infertile. Yeah, some people are good people, which are trying hard to save the earth. But there are too few of them, and we destroy too fast, comparing to the speed earth recovers. Does it not make sense? Just my opinion anyway. And that's a big reason, I don't like people. Personally, I think dying is a good way to benefit the world. Tho the living around might be sad for a short period, but who doesn't die? Each human are wasting so much resources. Dying relieves the pain we caused.

Yes I know, I understand if you call that 'extreme negativity'. If there's no humans, there won't be so much chaos. Everything will die accordingly, no one disrupting food chain, no living being extinct because of selfishly craving luxurious life. We have no rights to take away someone else's freedom. Or the existence of few whole species. Humans are smart, way too smart, until it's getting bad...

Ugh. I dislike people, because we only contribute to destroying.. haiz, help me get rid of this idea of humans? Can anyone? Sometimes I'm just tired of my own negativity, I can't stand myself thinking like that. My violin teacher used to say, my name represents happy, super, extremely happy. Cuz I smile wherever I go, you know.... happiness can be brought around just like that. Who knows, deep down inside, I dislike people. That just feels so wrong.

Homo sapiens (in latin) means wise person. How in earth are humans wise? We're like shit. Tbh. I don't wanna have this idea about people. Daaaamn, help.

Bio!

Wow we had six hours of bio today! It's awesome. Tho, it's just simple revision....

I've been sneezing all the time. Are you cursing me? -.- I guess I understand it now, that awesomeness when you could answer a question the whole class can't 😂. Termite!

Oh gosh today was damn weird. My appetite is freaking weird. I had chicken rice then three pieces of pizza. And surprisingly, they're free(the pizza). They used class fund (wow ikr). It's been a while, since the last time I'm eating this much. I think, maybe it's because of those midnight cravings. I had rice but I can't give up these awesome pizza it's worth the weight gain. :3

And I found something I needed so badly, that I couldn't find it in those few shops. XD

Bio is awesome. The more you look into it, the more you think you need to know. Damn I wanna know whatever I don't know yet.

Can't wait !

Midnight

The thing I hate the most about midnight: there are no rules. Everyone's asleep. I can go down and get myself ice cream just because I feel like it. There are no rules, not even five second rule.

You know. Sometimes images appear in our heads. Yeah, the more we wanna forget, the more we can't. The thing is, I didn't wanna 'forget' all that. I wanna put it aside so it doesn't affect my daily life.

Midnights made it hard to put it aside. It's so quiet. You know you're screwed when the voices in your head are taking over. It just gets louder until you have no idea how to fall asleep.

So screwed.

%*%(@)%*@ there's class tomorrow, sleep.

Let's think about pizza again........

Five second rule

According to Dr Nathan's five second rule, it means you have to think for five secs before you speak. Think.
According to Google's five second rule, it means if you drop food, you can pick it up and eat it within five seconds.

According to my five second rule, it means I have to shake away my whatever-thoughts within five secs if it's related to him. Yes I've broke the rule, because from the first word I typed here, I'm thinking.

When you wanna quit eating spaghetti, and suddenly the world just decides to give you free spaghetti. When you archived a chat to not see a person's name, and the following notification which you almost ignored, it's that name again.

I told my sister I archived him, she said why, can't you two still be friends?
No, it's not that I don't want. I wanna let things calm.
"I know you wanna be more than just friends."

That's what makes my sister an absolute bitch.
She's a fucking bitch.

Like you're trying to quit eating pizza and she's just telling you how nice it is.

And in this situation, thirty second rule is needed.
30, 29, 28, 27........

Home

Staying at home all day won't make me go crazy.
Staying at home all day staring& trying add math questions can make me go crazy.

But,
There are times I solved one question and another, consecutively, and got all correct even when the final answer is freaking weird.
That satisfaction is as awesome as awesome.

:3

When I'm so fed up of food and grandma finally understood. She's like watching me eat bite by bite, afraid that I would silently throw them away.
XD hhahahhaha but I'll never do that.

!

Tilt

Okeh. Turned out it's not an imaginary pain.
I think something's wrong with my back. But different kind of it. Idk which one's worse,

The previous one it hurts each inhalation, sneeze, yawn or certain angle. I don't think it's completely recovered yet.
This one? More when head tilt forward, more like every angle. The irritating feeling is there in every angle. Damn it.

Actually both aren't that bad. But for spm month, having this shit? Hohoho.
It's gonna be tough to ignore it. I'm screwed.

Made me feel like stop doing add math. XD
Ohgoshh just can't focus.

Zzzz

Ah my mom actually asked me if I wanna watch a movie, today. And it's a movie I wanted to watch, for a long time.

T-T can't believe I rejected.
我的少女時代

Okay nvm Itll be my movie-bucket list.

Ugh I wonder if it's the sleeping position again.

......

Z<zzzzz

I'M FUCKING FED UP with add math
I hate add math
I wanna study chem
Or physics
Or whatever else, Idw addmath T.T
I'm so lazy to go get my calculator

Heeeelp

I'm going crazy.
I'm empty
I miss him
But ugh that doesn't matter

I'm sick of everything.

I'm so bored.
Whyyy spm made so many huge gaps in between.

Whyyyy why
Wasting so much time!

.....

I have to score this shit
Ughh...............
I hate add math.

I'm saying.

UGH. I hate this feeling. Having the urge to give shit but NO I'm not gonna say it! It's not my business. I don't have any rights to tell you those things.

I'm gonna say it.
You're an idiot! You wanna make a good future, then take care of yourself! If you're over pushing yourself how are there supposed to be any future!? ......

Why did I find out??!!? Oh no. Oh oh oh no.
I'm so fucking screwed. It's right, that I pause for a month, cuz I need to study. I shouldn't go just for him. No no.

Why ?? you're supposed to be resting. You're supposed to listen to doc and rest well, until you are well! You're continuing, why? For how long?
I wanna whack you. Seriously. Are you truly obsessed with this violent nature too? ....

I disagree. Why am I not happy at all, knowing news like this. The past two weeks I was wondering if you still do jog, in the afternoon. So now what? Do you still freaking jog? I don't get it. Tbh. I hope you stop before you hurt yourself again. It feels wrong. The dreams..

Hey. Why don't you rest, a couple of weeks, or maybe few months... ?? there's always chance for competitions, but it might really be the end if you don't take good care of yourself. Haiz.
休息是為了走更長的路。You told me that, remember? You should apply it to yourself too. Rest, let them recover, then only get back to the court. It'll be the best for you........
You told me, that I have to let go of milk in order to prevent myself from getting hurt. I'm telling you back, you need to rest, you know why.

I'm speechless.
You won't listen anyway

Ugh %(!(_*@ what do I do?
That's why I'm worried bout you!
.................

Damn.

Uncle D

Going through an album of super beautiful pictures. I thought of art class I used to have.

I remember uncle D from art class told me, it won't last. And I was mad about it, so we had a deal, if it lasts after five years, he'd throw me a idk how many k party.

Hahhhahaha,
Turned out he's right. It didn't last.

Awh I miss art class.

I know, I wrote here for many times, that I should stop mentioning him. But it's like so hard.

You're like my drug. I'm deeply addicted, but I'm forced to stop taking them. That process you have to quit something, hoho. It's a looong, torturing process.

You're right about the milk thingy.
Oh gosh, today I had milk tea. I forgot milk tea contains milk, I forgot I can't take milk. Hahah maybe I'm getting old. Who else experiences shits like this after milk/cheese intake? I'm just fking 17.
I agree, to stop taking them in order to prevent self from getting hurt. This means stop eating my favorite food right?
Is this goodbye to spaghetti carbonara?
How depressing. The world seems depressing.

Goodbyes are the hardest, especially to those you love. (!! ._. )

:(

A friend's role

I've made a mistake.
When someone's totally excited or frustrated, they finally can't take it and they ask, or talk to their friends' for opinion. Friends' suggestions are extremely important. They make the final decisions, easily.

If you ate a bite of a cake that tastes so god damn awesome, will you continue to eat it if your friends said it's gross and disgusting?
No, because you're not frustrated and you're clear about yourself, about how you feel towards the cake.
The problem now is that your taste buds are infected. Or maybe your friends tell you this cake is fucking expired, or it's inner layer is rotting. You throw it away without hesitation. Am I right?
The truth is, the cake is not harmful to you, sweetheart. The cake is fucking organic and it's good to you. It wants to be good to you. It wants to be inside you forever. I can never want to hurt you.

A friend's role.
Partly, they destroyed 'us'. My friend told me to talk to your friends to try to solve 'our' problem, but, I know it's not gonna work because their suggestions are what brought 'us' here.
I'm a shitty friend. Everything was well and fine. It's an accident we gossiped. It's an accident I found out a secret which IS a secret from her perspective. I know it'll make her feel shitty, but I think she should know.
When someone's exposing secrets behind your back, OF COURSE you should know it so you won't tell them anymore. Yes it's about helping her to protect herself.

But I didn't mean to break the bond between you two.

As a friend, you want the best for your buddy. You wanna give suggestions that help the most in her life. You want to tell her, she was right to not trust him, but you don't wanna destroy that relationship, right? How do you do that?
I still regret for making this move.

At the same time, I hate your friends but I don't really blame them for giving suggestions. I hate them for suggesting a breakup. But, I don't hate them for wanting the best for you. We all love you  and care about you, that's why, your friends and I and your family have the same motives: to hope the best for you.

It's actually not wrong to listen either one of them's suggestion. Even though you listen to one, and you hurt another so badly she doesn't wanna live anymore. Even if you listen to her and give a chance. It's no harm.
It's just they thought the cake is harmful, but it actually isn't. And you're throwing it away, because it's the safest way to prevent yourself getting poisoned.

Friends' role are so important. Do not, simply give suggestions.

Best of me!

7.43
!!! The best of me! Showing later. I still haven't finished the book. I'm gonna watch it if no one's in my way. If he ended up with her.....

Maybe many years later, when I got into my dream career and you got into yours, we grow a little older with grey hair and wrinkles, have many many new cool stories, then I end up with you?

Haha just joking. Movies are fake. Happy endings only exist in fairy tales. Life is shit, not a fairy tale.

Let's just hope we survive the shitty journey.
Maybe cross each others' minds whenever stuff triggers the memory button.

Hmm.

This time it's a dream of being back together. I'm glad I can hug you so tight, in the dream. But one thing different, is that you're not well. In the dream, you have a serious health problem. Damn it. I don't get it. Are you okay? Are you sick? I'm a little worried and a little scared.

Hey please take care of yourself. Don't dont stress out. Health is first priority ok? Get rest, don't stay up too late. I know you take your studies seriously, but take health seriously too. Ugh. Please just stay healthy and well. I'll fucking go to you if I found out that you're really unwell. Please be fine... haiz. It sucks to end 'us', but it sucks more, to see you in that condition.

Take care..

!
I found our shogun candids. <3
You're awesome

Now,

Shit. Maybe I shouldn't have installed back fb. Been wasting time for nothing.

Yip man brought me to Twitter. Kinda stupid reason: for #spm2015 jokes. Twitter is a lil different. Unlike fb, you spit something, you can't take it back(I think?) And for the chat,,, yes lol there's a messenger function. There's no last seen, no availability, no ticks, no notifications. It's actually quite free. Hmm.

Is it that overreacting? Chicken breast,, (I'll just call him kfc lah) he said there's so many people complaining and all, bout this year's kbat ish spm. Uhm. Hahaa but the tweets and posts are still fucking lmao. I wonder, how did they go famous(mila, crystal, and that travelling freak.. shit what's his name again..) only 2015 candidates are in that situation right...

I think, back problem's coming back. Weird. I'm back on the floor for a few days. :/  oh weight's coming back too. Probably because no badminton, and just sitting in front of table all daaayy..

These days I'm Googling a lot. And keeping my room(as in, destroying books). For stalkers' information, I don't actually destroy. But yeah. Erm. My mom developed a habit in me. Since forever, she reused all my old exercise books' blank papers after tearing blank ones out. So I'm now like that too, maybe a little too much. In class, we(yip man and I heh) fight for distributing free papers to truth gang. So after bm, Bi and history, there's so many papers to be catogarized! Eg, single side blank, none blank but many spaces...... cousin's interested in those notes that I feel bad to recycle! :D  so great to be able to give whatever I don't need to people needing them.

And with radio on. Singing is awesome. Just sometimes they reformed the memories that I don't want to flash back. Then shake it off. Oh I have a new habit. Some songs, they sang about how much they love the partner.
"Lies, lies. You won't say that after a year."
And another habit
*shit this is too depressing. Skip track*

Never let them replay.

Tbh I can't sleep. It's 2.16, I checked, he's still awake. Why did I even check? I don't know. Tho he hid is everything in WA(that's why I'm not sure if he blocked!), I can't help clicking into his name, and back out. Today coincidentally he was ONLINE. I told myself not to start a convo so I won't know if he did blocked or not. Turned out he didn't.

Thank you for that.

Tbh. I feel like eating pizza. Fuck. Wth is wrong with me. I'm just trying to clear my head. I don't wanna recall awesome stuff and end up leaving a stain on my pencil. There's so many stains already.

New aim to myself, NO MORE staining my pencil, and also the pillows. No more.

Maybe It's a good thing I crave pizza. I'll just think about pizza until I fall asleep.

Just pizza, not him eating the pizza.
Not him asking me beef or chicken.

Just pizza.

Damn.

I was thinking about ignoring the vibrate. I thought it will never be you anymore. After that day, I never looked forward when I heard notifications. Since it's not you, I can ignore it.

But it's you.
:)

Ok.

I even wonder now, was I truly obsessed with this violent nature, was I attracted to that pain, to hurting myself?

Ok that's it! I have to stop thinking whether he still agrees to stay friends or not. I should eat more and replace that weight I've lost. I should really, really keep all the little photos into a box, and backup that folder which is created specially just for his photos, videos and voice clips. I should keep my room and start fresh.

Don't look back. I heard you said that before.

Once I keep your photos in the laptop, I won't look at them anymore. I won't reread my diary anymore, too.

Spm.
I wonder how previous spm was like. I never imagined it'll be like this. It's fucking out of my expectations. Teachers never let us do these brainless questions, we never had to write a page long answer for a 'Statement'.

Good thing there's no more "history-which-is-not-exactly-history". Why would you make the whole country study the textbook while the exam questions are irrelevant??

So weirddd. Ah hell.

.

Life is full of shit. I wonder if you still think of us.

Im trying to take a nap. But I thought of how you hugged me to sleep, how you wrap your arms around me before we nap. I miss you, I wish you're right next to me.

He doesn't want you anymore, yh.
He doesn't love you anymore.
He's going to marry another girl.
He's not gonna seen your message.
He's gonna ignore you forever,
Just stop being depressed about it.
Why make yourself so miserable
Stop writing about him, too.
He thinks it's not worth staying strong for you
He hates you
Accept the fact that he'll never come back
At least you learnt something
Words never meant anything, they're all fake
And you know that "I love you forever" doesn't exist.
I love you forever, are just words that kill
Expectation kills
At least you'll never forget about this mistake.
Never trust these anymore.

Seriously! Never trust them anymore.

Nightmare

I woke from my sleep. It sucked. It's another break up scene. You came back but left again.

Whu do I have to have shitty dreams like this? Can you please stop torturing my mind? I want to leave this matter aside during the big exam. I want to leave all this aside until I'm done.

But my sleep wants me to remember them. It showed me, you left me again and again. You came back but left again.
I'm so tired. I'm so tired waking up tired, like I've never slept. I'm so tired sleeping while being tortured mentally. I'm so tired.

Fuck my life. Why do this to me?

Should I go bank to sleep? Can you let me sleep in peace? Please. Just wanna rest. Just wanns sleep without dreams. Please.

Spm sej.

Spm is not over yet and I'm actually so looking forward for the next phase of my life. I'm having plans, few more weeks to go but I can feel that nervous shit building up. Aside from nervous shit of course, there's exciting plans too..

Damn.

Sej was fucking hard. They said from the spine of the exam paper booklet, if you see the black thingy high up, then it means it's fucking high level. I didn't really paid attention to the black thingy because I didn't know. However, they said it's gonna be easier to get A because the A standard's gonna drop.

Oh guess what? TIME TO RUIN SEJ BOOKS HAHA

So happy it's the end of this shitty history.

:)

No chill

I hope tomorrow history turn out to be like these two days' papers.

It's unexpectedly easier. It's even easier than school exams.

Holycow. I don't get why,
Previously I tense up before exams. But spm, like bm, we were crazily gossiping in the bilik wacana minda. Damn. We shouldn't be so relaxed, chilling too much.

Please, tense up, yh. Study.

Shit.
I dreamed a dream is a fucking depressing song.
But damn the lyrics are fucking true.

Take. Back.

I feel like shit. I don't understand. Do you hate me?

I'll prove to you. I'll get the best results that I ever had, I'll get more experiences, I'll blow your mind. I'll blow my mind too, at the same time.

You'll be surprised. You'll take back whatever you've said to me, today. I'll make you, take them all back.

There's a reason I keep secrets. There's a reason I choose to tell part of my friends, just part of them. I know you guys are just gonna spit useless shits to me, that's gonna wipe out that small part of confidence in me. I know you guys gonna talk shit to make me doubt about my ability.

I'll survive, with results, with a smile on my face, you'll see. Thanks for nothing.

I'll survive without you.

;

Am I begging for your return? I did it, and stopped it. As usual, my blog is to write and release shits that I want to. I'm releasing all these shits here so I don't have to look that miserable in front of my family. Do you get me?

Am I begging for your return? I don't think so, now. I'm telling you, I feel lucky we were together. I feel lucky we could even have a chance to meet because we're Malaysians, unlike China, they didn't even have fb. I'm saying, I'm lucky that you allowed me to appreciate you until this October, because you were supposed to quit since January. You told me, you could stay if I want you to. I wanted you to.. I'm saying, I'm lucky to have you for nine months plus. I'm really lucky that you came into my life even for just a while.

Am I begging for your return? If you see me reminding you about I still love you, IF you decided to return, My arms are ready. I'm always ready for you. If you realized you miss me, if you wanna give another try, I'm here. I miss you. Yes I want you back, but I'm not asking you anymore.

I'll want you as a friend. If you read these, I assume you still care. If you even signed in my blog to read these, you definitely still care, right? I don't know as a friend, as a bf who can't completely let go, or as whatever, Thank you. You scared me because it says new device signed in. But it soothes me stating "N9". I assume you care as a friend.

I wish for your return but I'll never expect it anymore. I still love you, it's really hard to actually stop. Let it be one sided so it's better for us. Let it be just me loving you and you don't have to do anything, just treat me like your friends.

A friend who's allowed to stroke your spiky chin, a special friend who gives shit about all of you. Dont push me away because I don't mind, I lost you and I can't possibly lose you again since you're not mine anymore.

Life just isn't life without you. Nothing else matters.