Before we were together, I don't even think a phone is needed.
After we stopped being together, I don't think a phone is needed again.
Maybe it's okay to leave it at home. It's okay to turn it silent mode every single day. It's okay to lost it because no one will ever care, no one will even know.
Holycow
:(
Have you ever thought, how lucky we are... being brought in by the British, causing us to have this chance to meet and know each other...
Damn. How lucky we are, not separated by the sea but just half an hour distance...
I'm fucking lucky, to have fb not banned in our country, giving you a chance to invite me over to your training...
:3
Maybe history is meant to make us feel lucky.
What's best about home alone?
The silence.
But not anymore when stomach starts making noises. Annoying af.
Fuck I think I should stop badminton too. Just one month.
Why is it so fucking hard to study history......
Hey look at the bright side.
It's the fucking last time. Oh gosh absorb please.
Okay. I uninstalled fb. Feel so... gosh. I just swiped my phone looking for that familiar icon and Oh. I think I have an extremely bad habit. Saying "Wtf" too much, to myself when studying history. But seriously! Wtf!! Why are we forced to study all these. Damn it.
Huge realisation.
Yahudi are jews.
..............
I don't get it! What tf had I ever done, to deserve all these shit! So I am short tempered. I deserve, him leaving me, at two fucking weeks before spm. I deserve that fucking extreme mood swings that didn't allow me to concentrate studying. And when I, fortunately can focus for a few times, this fucking asshole pig appears! Why the fuck do I have a sibling which is so fucking inconsiderate!
I had hell. I had every shit. I don't need YOU AND YOUR BITCH FACE to entertain the end of my days. I want to study why cant the world just STFU AND let me!?
I'm just sitting there looking at the book. DOES THAT bothers you!? Do you HAVE TO COME IN while singing "I HATE YOU, YOU HATE ME, WE ARE FUCKER FAMILIES." YES. I hate you, so fucking badly, and i don't need your bitch voice to remind me that shit. Just fuck off my life, dude!
Let me study. Stfu
If I'm allowed to choose, I would like to start seeing you as a friend, I would like to stop loving you because I know we're not possibly gonna have anymore chance.
The thing is, it's not my choice.
I wanna go back. I want you back.
I miss you missing me, I miss you saying that you love me more. I miss you loving me.
I'm so tired of smiling, looking normal, pretending that I'm ok losing you. I'm so tired, I shouted at that bitch and she didn't dare to even make a sound.
I wanna forget spm. Forget everything, and just run into your arms. I want your hugs. I don't want anything else,.
Living is so hard.
You stole my heart and gave me yours, now you took yours back but mine is still deeply attached to you.
Living without a core.
That kills.
Damn, I thought I was damn fucking hungry in school. Half portion filled me up. Eesh what's wrong with my appetite. Can someone's stomach actually shrink?
Made few decisions, stop all instruments but training.... I'll just go as usual. Damn, our spm seat. There's this girl who always had the highest marks for English. She's so gonna screw me up.
I can't focus.
There's a lot of shit in my head. I'm scared that I can't do well for chemistry. I have super low confidence. Idk wtf is wrong with me, but I'm just worried bout everything. Gosh. I wish we can take the exam and get to know the results a day after. I'm scared that after everything, I go for work and everything, end up I'm not even qualified to go where I want. I'm scared that I relax and when the day comes, I screw up chem. I'm scared of that disappointment that I'm gonna get next year. I don't know how they score so well for everything. I don't know how to do well in bm.
Fuck my life. There's not much time left.
Please please do well. Bringmehome,man.
I'm so tired. Mentally, physically. Still holding on on someone who already let go, making an effort to hope the bond remains, it's so so tiring. It's crazy how a random song can bring everything back to life. So exhausted, in and out, studies, spm, you.
I wanna sleep and never wake up. My goshh. Help.
I'm someone's "AUNTY" now omygosh.
Today we visited my cousin and her newborn daughter. She made labor sound so easy, I guess she's just lucky.
It's sad. Everyone's so happy, everyone's smiling, laughing. Today was graduation day too but I didn't attend. I don't want to. Seeing everyone so happy just made me wonder, why is everything so not right in my life.
Yes you could say I have a place to live, have a grandma who always force me to eat and get fat, yes I have too much. Maybe that's why. Things can't be perfect. I was too lucky to have them all, for that nine months.
Maybe we should never let ourselves feel too happy. They never last, as usual. Was too stupid to believe.
Nothinglastsforever.
Like I'm gonna lose you, was in hitz just now. I had some response. (Normally Im a robot in front of my sister, as she's so fucking noisy but I'm always memorizing stuff in my head) so yeah. She asked, "Your favorite song?" "No." "His?" "No." "Oh so you're two in one."
No such thing.
"What are you two? Best friends?"
"No."
"Couple?"
"No."
"Then what."
I DON'T KNOW, YOU FUCKING BITCH
"Toothache, please talk to me."
"Shut up and cry."
Ugh
It's not hard to care, to give shit. It's not that hard, if they accept your care.
What if they don't? Do you continue? Two types of care.
One, you do it silently. Far far away, in a safe distance so you know they won't be bothered, they won't even know.
The other one, you tell them. I'm worried about you. I can't stand seeing these anymore, I suggest etc etc.
If they don't accept, do you switch from the second to the first type? That's the only way left.
You. Do you care?
When you explained to me about your status, I was screaming from the inside. You still do, read these. I'm thankful you still do, care. But why do you let me know?
You know me. I expose every single thing here in my blog. You care, but you're not allowing me to do the same. I don't know how are you. I don't know how your day is going. I don't know if you have enough sleep, or when is your next exam week, or if you skipped meals. I don't know anything about you. Are you happy? I don't know.
You're standing from a distance so far away, still bother to know what I'm thinking, by reading my mind here. Thank you, but...
Stop letting me know, if you don't want me to do the same. Stop letting me know that you still do, give shit about what I write here. If gastric developed a hole or anything, if I hate not knowing what is your newly changed status about, just be it. You know it and that's all. Don't tell me.
Do you know how hard it is? Telling myself to leave this aside and live my life without being distracted... one message, your care, could make all the effort go away in just one sec. One message, blew off everything I've told myself. I end up sitting there thinking you still care, you still do, care. You really still care.
What do you want me to do? Change my blog site ?
I don't want to. It's my favourite link of all. Your friends don't give shit? I do, and I'm your friend. I'm your special friend, then. Let me give shit, as a friend. Is that ok? You don't have to think so much. Just let the words fall out. You can tell me anything, anytime.
Let me care, by lending you somewhere to spill. I can't help you but I can listen. Do you get me? Don't push me away.
I dreamed of us still together again. It's wonderful. I wish I can never wake up. Even if it's just a dream, staying there.forever is more than enough.
If there's inception. If people could go into dreams. I'm gonna go and live in one. I'm gonna go and be with you again. I wish you still love me. I wish I can taste your care again.
I was told, if you love someone, properly and deeply, then love never ends. You just store it in your heart like a small seed, and frantically hope that one day, the rains will come again.
If the rains come again...... I'll not let you sacrifice anything for us. Will never allow that to happen. We're all complete. We don't need a partner's sacrifice. We just need each other to make our lives better.
But if the rains never come......
Then you'll be stored, inside here, secretly forever. Even after I die, I'll be with you.
Time to get up!
Eek. I'm changing the way I study. Idk, maybe cuz spm is the coming Monday, I just have to do something. Guess what? I could possibly study without music, every single sound is distraction. I get you, by "full focus". Muting the phone is a damn good way too. Without my pencil and pillow, with acute straight back. Damn, so hard to even feel sleepy.
Oh btw I guess I'll get fat back in no time. Appetite's better, plus mom got me pringles. I limited myself anyway. At least IF I got sleepy there's this.
Haih
Nerd month, be good.
Damn. I wish every single time I think of you, is the time you think of me too. That'd be awesome. However..
Take care.
I'm sure you feel ok to stop badminton, since there's nothing to miss? While I'm missing you here.... I'm sure you felt a release? Having extra free time without me, without badminton? Congrats then.
But I'm sure you still love badminton..
It must be hard, right, to give up this thing you trained so hard for.....
I wish I'm right in front of you. I wish I can just run into your arms and squeeze you and give you my tightest hug ever. I don't know whether you need it or not, but... hey everyone needs hugs, right?
Be strong. I'll never, never ever forget the days we were training mates. You'll always be my favourite badminton President. I'm gonna annoy you when you have long sem breaks, IF I successfully get license.
I wish you all the best.
And if you sneeze in class, it's me,
You might be cursed by those bitches.
But you're missed too, deeply.
I'm still listening to songs while studying, just very extremely low volume. And usually, the same song repeatedly. I played Photograph, by Ed Sheeran.
My sister asked me. Is this his favourite song?
"Do you think every song that I listen to, is his favourite song?? -.- "
My sister then asked me, what type of song is this? Breakup song? I really don't know. I told her, I think it's missing someone's. But then, maybe it's after war making up song. Nah.
"I think it depends on how you feel when you're listening."
"So, you miss him?"
Duh? Stfu.
It can get hard sometimes, but it's only thing that makes us feel alive.
"It hurts because it's growing."
I hate to not know how is your day like. I hate to see you being tagged or you changing statuses while I have no idea what are they about. I hate to see you move on while I haven't.
I hate to always tell myself I've lost the best part of me and it's all my fault. I hate, imagining you and me together but knowing that I had to shake it off because it's it's not gonna happen anymore. I hate to look at the pamelo and the way you stared when I cut. I hate using a highlighter and recall what you made did back there in the dressing room.
I hate to not be part of your life anymore but I want to, so so badly. I want to be part of your life, but I have to tell myself, back off and SHUT the fuck up. I hate to imagine the touch of your hand, the coziness of your hugs, your softness. Yoir everything.
They might say, oh yh you look so much better than last week. They might say, you sound so much better, that's great you two get to stay friends.
I'm dying, inside. I'm dying.
Do you know how badly I have to make myself think it's excited. Plans with friends and everything...
I'm free already, bring me. I'm free from you, I can go anywhere.
I don't want to be free from you.
Please. Let fate bring us back together.
Please, I really hope you could come back after recovering from your injuries. I really need the chance to be with you again.
I need you
Damn, a chat with lychee sure made me super extremely worried about whatever's gonna happen after spm. I thought I'm gonna be practicing, working out, jogging, reading, learning to drive and cook, doing almost all the house chores and research for whatever I really want.
She's almost always serious. I really like the way, we never talked for so damn long in the same school because we weren't in the same class, but still, one short chat made everything came back, and we became friends again.
I'm reminded, we need to work and gain experience to prove our usefulness. Oh gosh it's gonna be competitive. It's gonna be busy.
Life is a pain in the ass. One week.
I can score this shit.
I flipped tru form 4 chem in one day. I always feel that I studied everything, but I just can't recall it after a period of time. Oh guess what? I scored 40^ over 50 for the freaking first time. Heh. Tho I made few careless mistakes.. Hey maybe it's not possible to get an A for chem?
Idk why. Just studying as usual, leaned my head hard to the chair.
I thought of this thing that happened awhile ago. Hahhah we crash landed on the couch and there goes this scary sound that came from my head hitting the wall. You went and took that Ice thingy.. actually, it doesn't hurt so bad, it's just loud!
:) ah memories.
My first instinct was texting you. But ah maybe I should just shut up and text you only when I really should.
Okay. Study.
Mom didn't bring me to introduce me to guys. She pulled me everywhere to introduce me to HER friends, which are old aunties uncles. There's just few people in my age. I agreed to go because of my cousin.
He interviewed me a little, things related to us. I told him, felt much better after Friday night. I smiled while describing. Like seriously. He told me, he wants to know because, he's the one who broke hearts, and I guess he wants to know how his ex's feel. Well? Broken, that's all. He told me he's better off without a gf, because he lose feelings. He said he's better off having one sided crush, to prevent heartbreaks. He said, people get bored easily if there's distance..
I don't understand. Lose feelings? I seriously don't get how people lose feelings. When he asked, when I whispered I do, I pictured our future. I was so excited, starving to experience life with him. Lose feelings? Dude, love towards him grew more and more after spending each day with him.
Am I weird? People said two separated people can't be friends after the break. But I want to be friends with him. Maybe it hurts a little, or much seeing him smiling at the phone in a conversation with someone else. Maybe it hurts a lot, the day he found his next love. Maybe it hurts a lot a lot, during his future wedding and the bride isn't me. But.. why not be friends?
Never let go memories. Maybe that's the reason. People try to forget their past while I'm trying hard to remember. Those were great moments, why forget? Don't throw away our shirt, don't throw away the birthday liittle booklet I made for you, don't throw away the keychain I drew for you when you weren't well. Don't throw away our best moments together. I'll keep them all.
I kept rivergrass's necklace in a little box, and also the connective puzzle. For us, I kept our little photos inside too. I'll never open it up if I don't have to. I keep my feelings towards you, inside my heart. Lose feelings? Years later, if we really never have any chance to meet or anything, I might lose some feelings? However, that might not change the fact that I still wish you to be mine again.
I do, lose feelings. But after losing, I recall the memories and realized, why should I remember one hurtful sentence you said, after all you did for me? Just to be fair, "That's ok." I mind, but I don't. It matters but it's the past.
My sister asked,
"Aren't you supposed to hug your pillows and cry everyday after your breakup?"
"Ha. Ha."
Idiot, if you see that, you'd cry with me, and feel unhelpful. I felt unhelpful when he wasn't well. It sucked.
Let's not bring worries to people.
Maybe something's wrong with me. I googled symptoms. I might have stomach problems. It hurts, now. Left upper part, below ribs, obviously stomach. It's an annoying pain. Loss of appetite, weight loss. Maybe something really is wrong, with my stomach. But that's not enough to die.
I shall ignore it then. Spm, come on, yh. You can do this. Smile,, and study. Yeah. If I have the ability to smile in front of him, why not always smile?
Smile, even when it's unbearable.
Eventually, everything will be fine.
请 不 要 在 我 面 前 说 “前 任”。
I'm ok talking about the happy moments we had, I'm ok talking about how awesome he is, I'm ok to talk about he left me. I'm ok to look at our photos and videos, I'd smile and... look, he's awesome. I'm ok thinking about our conversations, and our hugs our kisses our memories. I'm ok missing him, imagining him snoring so loud and adorably cute. I'm ok continue loving him without having the same treatment back.
I'm not ok when anything or anyone reminds me that, it's because of me that he left. I'm not ok when I'm reminded, I've ruined my own dream future with my idiotic way of living. I'm not ok when you call him "my ex". I'm not ok when you have to tell me, I deserve being left by him. I'm not ok when You remind me that, You emphasis on how suck I am, how terrible I am. I'm not ok to be reminded, he left me because I am me. I'm not ok because, I hate myself, when you remind me of those. I hate myself so much. I love him with all my heart but I'm not qualified to be his lifetime supporting partner. I'm not ok because, I don't have the rights to care about him like I used to. I don't have rights to hold his hand when he's not well on bed. I'm not ok because, I regret for being whatever I've been doing.
I regret. Do not, call him my ex. Call him by his name. Call him "him", and I'd appreciate that.
It hurts to be reminded that he is my "ex". Please, don't. I regret. Do you have to make everything worse? Why? Just, shut up
I stood in the crowd, mom introducing me to all of her friends. She's pulling me everywhere. I feel like fainting. Oh I recognize one if them. There was this charity carnival a while ago, my sis went to help and almost lost her car keys.
She said she recognized me. She said, I look skinnier. I never realized 2 kg could make any difference. Mom said, maybe depression made me lost weight. If depression can inhibit Ghrelin, yeah maybe that's why.
I hate the crowd.
I used to be ok with crowdy areas. Everything just feels different now. I hate to be with many people. All I can do is look at my chemistry book, then look at my phone, and look at our photos.
I miss you, when I'm in the crowd. I miss you whenever I'm breathing. Hell. I'm getting headaches. Let it end, let this feeling end please.
Personalities? It can change too, not that we want or not. Maybe after ten years, I'll be a completely different person from now. Maybe I can't achieve whatever I wanted, and I study what I'm not so interested in. Maybe I can't get credits for two science, and I can't study in whatever pre-u I wanted. It's still hell. A week before the exam, why?
Why this time?
I have to stop thinking about you, about all the wonderful memories, about your smile, your laugh, you. You're just too perfect to be forgotten.
I thought I was ok. A soft epilogue, made me feel much better. Now my parents and I talked about it, I realised I can't talk about it without crying my eyes off.
Lucky I'm now at the back of the car. Lucky.
It's all my fault.
They said I took a lot of your time.
Yeah. They're right. I lost the best part of me, which is you. I'm such an idiot.
I'm sorry that I didn't fully appreciate the way you love.. And I'm an idiot to only realize it when it's too late. I'm a fucking idiot. Yeah. You're too good for me. I don't deserve you.
I usually say I don't regret anything. I regret, now, I regret for not being a perfect supporter that you deserve.
I wish us, friends.
Smh I feel that leaving you is the best thing I can do for you. Doesn't matter if love is still there, doesn't matter if it's about us wanting to keep staying for each other......
It kinda hurts, to know about how hard your life is... thank you that you prioritized me. It's time to do everything else, replacing that time you've gave me... I hope you stop training, do whatever's best for you. I hope you stop straining yourself and recover from those injuries you had because of over pushing yourself.. I hope you get rid of whatever that hurts you..
Yeah you got rid of me. Get rid of badminton!
I really wish you well, healthy and fine... well.. maybe without badminton, I can't check on you weekly.. but nah, never mind, once a friend, always' a friend. Just like them, fruit friends, rivergrass, prefect friend. We never met or talked much, but.. deep down we know, and we care about each other.
I wish you well. I'm gonna miss your mother's smile too, hahaa... I still hope you could tell me when is your dad's birthday... hmph.
Naughty wood
I thought my existence is supposed to make your life better, to give extra support. Who knows, you never told me about whatever you're facing. You told me you're leaving me because we both suffered. I think I'm sure now, that I'm not the one you want......
Yesterday, before I tried to study, I tapped in fb just to take a look, and I saw that photo your mom tagged you in. It aches a lot, a lot. Like a looot, to see you smiling happily, and I don't even know that you have this thing on that day. I needed an answer from you, whether you still have hope or not, because I feel like I'm blindly hoping for us to be back to normal while you're over there smiling, living a life like you're pretty damn fine without me. I needed to know if I have to move on or keep trying.
From your responses, I think I'm sure, you don't want me anymore. Okay.... I understand. Work is more important. I will stop bothering you. I'll stop the morning& goodnight texts, I'll stop telling you that I miss you. I'll stop telling you how much I want you with me. I wish you, happy. Just so you know......
I love you.
I'll stop showing that I care, if that's what you want. You'll always be the best part of me, which is already gone... I wish you remember the best moments we had together. I'll remember them too.
Please,
Take good care of yourself, and NEVER LET the fucking mosquitoes bite you anymore. Okay? Be safe, healthy, and fine...... don't skip meals, don't stay up until that late, remember to rest!
Thank you that you loved me..
You'll always be my motivation.
I guess that's it.
Remember,
I'll wait for you.
I fell for you, you hammered my walls and kept hammering until my insecurities disappeared. You loved me wildly, fiercely, and you kissed my bruises until I fall in love with their existence. You asked me everything about myself, from day to night, we had our first kiss, the first I realised that love exists. You stained in my memories, sometimes I found that in more than one ways, I'm a little like you.
I was told to remember, that people like you never leave, even after leaving.
We both suffered. I thought climbing back up after each fight was worth it. I think, one day, I might give up too.
We could be good friends.
Just remember, okay?
At the moment you figured you want me back, please just turn around and realize, you never lost me. I'll just wait quietly from now on.
Most of the times, sitting at the passenger seat while my sister drives, I feel like my life is in danger. Every Wednesday, I usually put the guitar at my feet, vertically, and let it lean on my chest.
I think I'm getting good at imagining dying in car accidents. That recklessness. One day she might hit the car in front. The whole front of the car is gonna crush against us. Then maybe the guitar push against me and crash my ribs. That'd be painful. Maybe that's how I end it.
Ah but I would prefer dying having diseases. At least a period of time is given, to say goodbye. I'm happy whatever's in my life existed.
I'd leave the world without regrets.
I wonder when will be that day.
I feel like dying.
I just can't study. What's the point? I'll be autopilot. It doesn't matter what I study in the future. It doesn't matter I like it or not. I won't like it anyway. So how does it matter if I score well or not? Maybe I'll just go back to music. I have a feeling I'm not gonna live long. I don't deserve to have a life.
I've forgotten how to appreciate the opportunity to live.. I'm enough of this world.
I wish I can give someone, this opportunity that I have. I wish I can give it to someone who knows how to appreciate it more than I do.
It's just a world which is getting screwed by humans, the world need less of us. When I'm gone, I'm doing a favor for the world. Yeah.
If there's hunger games, I'd volunteer.
Everything looks colourless, grey and black.
If there's six months for me to live, I'd request to end it immediately. I'm done.
Grandma was getting fed up with my becoming-small-appetite. You know... old people just wanna see you eat. Hey but seriously! Have no idea if it's related to this depression shit or what.
I smell food and I'm just done. You can use the fucking smell to feed me and I'll feel ok with it. Ghrelin right? Something inhibited the secretion of it.
Maybe my appetite left me when you did.
"Time takes the time time takes."
I love the sound of your laughs. We'll find our way back to each other. And when we did, we could laugh together again. Maybe, that me who used to crave for food will return too.
It aches, a lot a lot, like. A loooot. Whenever I thought of that after all we've been through, you could possibly delete every photo of us, like I never existed, like we never been together before. Conversations..
Even tho I don't usually look back old conversations, but delete? I'll never do that. Tho I'm not quite sure if you really deleted them... haiz.
I kept telling myself, he might have let go. But, he won't completely lose hope in us. As long as I love, as long as my heart stays with him. He won't. Makinv myself believing in that kept me going. Listening to the voice clips of him telling me "I love you, goodnight!" Kept me believing.
We can learn to love again.
Just don't lose hope, yh.
He still cares, I know that.
I'm not sure if you still read my blog. I'm hoping you do. I'm doing here, just to bother you less. You're busy, I know, I know.
Add oil! :*
I don't understand my extreme loss of appetite. Umm. I skipped only few meals? Most of the lunches are replaced with super small amount of maybe.. fruits or just a piece of cake. My mom never let me skip breakfasts, so... -.- but dinners' portion cut down to half.
I'm not cutting down carbohydrate, yip man. Don't worry I won't get ketosis lol.
I'm just staying away from people.
But I lost 2kg that's good news.
Autopilot but keep in shape. Yeah.
Don't worry, I still have lots of fats for you to pinch. I miss you.
I miss the times I have to figure out if you were coughing or sneezing.. I miss the times you started conversations to ask me eat and get fat.. I miss the times you told me to sleep earlier.. I miss the times you treated me as yours.. I miss you, driving all the way to Ipoh just to be with me.. I miss your smile, your moustachy face, your curly hair, your smell, your kisses, your beautiful hands, you...
I miss you.
We don't have to be this way.. I'm sure you still care, don't you?
Let me go back to you, whatever you did before weren't just for nothing. You've earned my love and loyalty, which only belong to you.
Take care, don't forget to rest and eat...
Oh guess what?
I googled joint weakness and palpitations.
Ps. Palpitations means loud noticeable pulse, which is fucking annoying when you're trying to sleep! I seriously hope it can just STOP BEATING.
"Generalized anxiety disorder"
I read through.
"When to see your doctor?
When you have suicidal thoughts."
Am I supposed to laugh?
Google, are you fucking kidding me
Haiz.
I have high hopes that we would get back together. At the same time, still fucking worried that these might be just my stupid guess..
I really wish you think the same, I wish you feel a little better because I'm not giving up. I wish you hope that we can last too..
People might say that, I can find another one. But you know what? That made me realized, no, you are the one I had been looking for.
They comfort me with
"There are many more good guys out there."
I replied with "I don't need anyone else."
I just need you.
"If you really love someone, even if there are one million reasons to leave, there's still one reason to stay."
Don't say that I have to let go in order to not get hurt anymore. The reason I didn't let go earlier, was I know we will get better. We will.
Please please, hope. Don't let me down. Make it come true and I'll appreciate you even more.
Miss you.
I wanna thank all of you. Supportive people.
Yip man, rivergrass, walah amigoz, prefect friend.
Thank yip man for seriously constantly making me laugh until shit. And walah amigoz fruit friends, thanks for calling me from Australia with that cute funny China-ish tone. I just can't stop crying and laughing at the same time. Thanks prefect friend for the so omg support. I'm serious. I'm ok. And rivergrass. After all these time, you never stopped caring, you're an awesome senpai, and I always loved your advices.
And you. Thanks for allowing us to still talk, and to still be friends. I'm glad you didn't ignore me when I miss you. And when I asked you bout studies and pre u. I'm not giving up, but... if a friend is the most you can be, you'd be an awesome friend, senior, badminton president. I can't delete everything. I lied. Those pictures are still here in my phone. I can't, memories can't be deleted. Don't ask me what's the point. We had awesome moments together, and that's not meant to be deleted.
Jiayou ba.
I can't believe this.
I lost him. And now I'm eating cheesecake. I'd prefer losing weight than to keep gaining. But two bites and I'm full.
I'm gonna live autopilot, but I'm gonna live it in a nice shape.
I'm gonna make my life busy. I'm gonna work out, run, learn to drive, improve my English, read lots of books, watch horror movies alone, be organized, study really hard, hang out and karaoke to death with my classmates, and never fall in love.
I'll be here if you need me.
I still have faith in us.
Even if cheesecakes, milk and yogurt get me diarrhea, I'll eat a little.
Even if the aircon easily caused my sinuses to go mad, I'll still on it but face somewhere.
Even if we had fights, there will be a solution.
You can't tell me to stop eating what I love, stop feeling aircon, stop loving you. You can't make me do that. There has to be a way.
You blindfolded me. You made me realized that nothing is impossible. You made the impossible possible, we can too.
When you told me you like me, I
Toss and turn, fuck I can't sleep.
I was nervous and too excited.
When you told me dengue positive, I
Toss and turn, fuck I can't sleep.
I was worried. I was sad, I was crying.
When we had fights, you stopped making sure that I'm ok before the day ends.
Toss and turn, fuck I can't sleep.
I dehydrated myself through the eyes.
When you told me you're enough of us. You told me, let's just be friends from now on.
Toss and turn, fuck I can't sleep.
I wanna knock myself till unconscious. I want to rest but I couldn't. There's still hope for spm IF I had enough rest to study more.
You never knew how you could affect someone's life. I told you that I see my cousins my friends' friends breaking up, and I'm scared. You said
As long as you love, I'll always love you.
I told you, I don't even know how to stop.
I hate time for being too short when I'm with you, and too long when we are apart.
I hate your smile and your eyes for it melts my heart when I see it.
I hate your voice because it echoes in my mind all night after you said goodbye.
But the one I hated the most is myself, I HATE MYSELF for mistreating myself just to love you.
If there's ever a chance someone tells me he loves me like nothing else,
I'm not gonna fall for it.
I had a dream.
It's a suicidal dream. Idk why, but in there I was driving, and not just driving. I drove a motorcycle. I didn't stop when it turned red. I continued to move, while the vehicles in front of me were moving in different direction. It's like I moved forward to let them hit.
But I did not die. Just paralyzed.
I should try jumping off.
When both are stretching the rubber band, yeah it's gonna hurt. How about, one side had let go?
When you know that you've lost something that meant everything to you. After all, everything became nothing.
You go downstairs with a cap. Why are you wearing a cap? My hair is messy.
When you want to study but all you can think of is, it's gone.
Can someone tell me how to not feel anything anymore?
I felt like I've been stabbed for many time, beginning to think physically stabbed must be much better. At least before your blood has dried out, the pain will end, and you'll never feel it again.
From now on, I know what to do. I won't kill myself. I'm already dead, how to kill myself?
Stalkers. I'm done blogging.
I might wanna kill my blog like how I did last year. Or maybe post different things. I'll post nice things.
I'm sorry for making few of you worrying that I might kill myself. From now on, worry no more.
I'm ok.
When you're ready but you're not ready. You knew what's gonna happen when you received that indirectly spoken thing. You prepared yourself for a coffin, for that heartbreaking feeling.
And when it's about to happen, you just realized that you were never ready.
I think I know why that made me feel more. Their problems were problems.
Our problem was me.
Things would go so much better if I never existed.
"Brace myself for the goodbye."
Braced myself for the goodbyes, already, for a week.
Remember my old website link?
nothinglasts-forever.blogspot
Sad truth
Guess what? The first time I see the word "Fucktard" was from the House of Night series. Um. A series of books. Damn, I love that whole set.
Nah just random.
Brainless shit, let me explain the difference between "eating" and "leaving"
"You finished eating after everyone did" means, you were the last one to put a fucking fork into the dishes and TAKE food.
"You leave after everyone did" means you're the last in the table, to get your shitty ass up and walk away.
Clear?
Get your facts right
When there are conflicts happening on you and your love one. The situation calmed and there's an ok way to stabilize shits.You're emotionally ok to be rational.And you saw the almost same situation happening on your parents.
Oh gosh I was stupid.
Business, that's how it goes, right? When the economy went bad, obviously harder to keep dealers' confident in you...
I guess business people are just hurting each other simultaneously. You leave to get a better life in a better company, and you forgot how you were treated back there in where you used to be. And you backstab, to do best over there.
That's such an evil thing to do.
It's shocking news, to hear that happening.
I got it. We all know that we feel much better after letting the words fall out. Sometimes you expect awful response but get okay ones, that's enough to make your day awesome. But sometimes you chose to swallow it back, that's what caused that emptiness.
"Say what you wanna say, and let the words fall out, honestly, I wanna see you be brave!"
Doesn't apply to all situations.
Yesterday I couldn't sleep, deep thoughts bugging around. Anyway. Can't believe a short trip back from class could actually allow me to have a deep nap. I woke up aching and numb. The duration was as shorter than usual, I fucking managed to sleep.
Studyyy Zzz
Hello stalkers. All is well.
Sometimes I reached a point where I Googled too much, everything's just out of topic. Beginning to think that I should stop googling too much and focus on whatever's in syllabus.
MAYBE IT'S NOT a bad thing at all!
Bromelain came out in form 4 exam, she mentioned. Damn, but.. like he said, I'm always lack of that confident to actually tell, "I know this!"
I repeat, all is well. These days I'm not craving for food, movies or sleep, but I'm empty. Idk why, just... pure empty.
I just need to...
Ah I don't know.
Google is such an awesome thing. These days I looked for vitamins, minerals, their functions, deficiency and overdose symptoms. It's cool to know more bout your body. Can you imagine that? Potassium, sodium and few others are 'electrolytes' in our body. In the module it says they help in muscle contraction& transmission of impulse. How? Google tells you everything.
Okay I know it's not in my syllabus, I'm just curious. Curiosity brings lots of fun, definitely not just kill cats. You'll see super funny things from those md websites lmao. I saw something like.... overeating is often masking a desire of affection for love. Hell yeah. I didn't eat a lot these days, what's that? A desire of staying out of the world.
Google ftw. I hope you tell me, how to actually 'apathy'. If I'm not mistaken it means, lack of feelings towards everything? I want that a lot. I need that. In those minerals. Many of them, if you have too much or lack of them, those symptoms seem so bad. Everything leads to death.
How fragile, a human life is. Yet, we hardly die from a heartbreak. Everything's a side effect of dying. Remembering, overthinking, breathing, living, struggling.
You're right. It doesn't matter. Whatever that's done has been done. Words that's been spoken can't be "touch wood"ed.
When I fell for you, I seldom talk to people bout how awesome you are. I was afraid that they'd fall for you too.
Accept and adapt.
People pretend everything is ok until everything is eventually ok. So at the end, everything will be just ok.
Laptop's taken away from me. Few days without my sister, I used laptop for research, and connected it to that Bluetooth amp. Searching and singing. Sudden realization, how convenient a laptop is, to me. Appreciate it's effort, for fixing my shitty mood. Songs fix it all. Wish my memory card's big enough to fit all those songs. Sadly, nah.
I think I have stomach problems each time I eat. This week I actually skipped five meals (wow ikr) I never had appetite to have more. But I'm always thirsty.
I was right. That September.
That kitten needs to learn to live alone. Tru obstacles and everything. It has to know how to keep itself safe from those cars and scary humans. It has to be strong. Without the momma cat, he's just teaching her how to live alone. That's a good thing actually.
Be strong. I wonder what would happen if momma cat finds her little one.
I wish I know what went wrong.
If you ask me, will I ever regret?
Yes. I regret for punching that hard. Tbh hurts so much each time holding a pen firmly. Fff I have writing problems lol. Let's hope this won't last for twenty days.
These days without fb, spammed myself with songs. I'm falling for 'Mine' by TS, that lyric.
😍
October, please be good. Stay awake.
Ffff need to score.
Come on.
If I have half a year left to live, I'll bug you less and less slowly, I'll make you think you love me less, so after that you won't have that miserable emptiness I gave. I'll go somewhere alone to die. I'll make a new life just for half a year. If I'm already gonna die, why make them suffer more after appreciating?
分得够狠你才有借口转身
Helpful enough right
Second day of hell and I signed myself up for nothing.
At the moment you know you're really gonna die, you'll know if you want to die. Nah. I don't. Stupid bitch, you stopping there in the middle of the road, and you reversed? Are you fucking kidding me?
The main reason I hate the roads, is there are many idiots making it dangerous. I've seen my sister being reversed at, my mom too, and now it's me. Don't worry it didn't hit me. I just jumped.
Second day of hell, I didn't see that kitten. 90% sure it's in the drain. Sometimes I might imagine myself being a vet. That would be cool.
At least I tried
Fuck my life. I woke up, the first thing I can think of is how fucked up my life is. Stupid walls could just slough off without pain!
I wonder how do the females live, when all these things are not invented yet. Must be scary. So should I be happy?
The second thing I could think of is, there's less than twenty days left. Holy cow.
I can do this.
My dad's weird. Kept telling me to go to sleep.
Oh guess what? I take it back. Physical pain is really painful too. Maybe it's equally painful. Both can cause 'don't wanna do anything' mood. Just that, mentally painful could cause physical pain too. If you injure yourself while in that awful situation.
Never hurt your fist cuz, if it affects writing, you're dead.
I'm in that, but I don't wanna turn off the laptop, few more to go, I don't wanna do, but I wanna do.
Fml
-.-
I feel cruel. There's a little grey+black stripes kitten at the side of the water meter outside where we ate dinner. It sounds hungry and hopeless, and it's just there alone.
This is the first time I feel like bringing a stray kitten back so fucking badly, but dad wouldn't allow cuz he thinks grandma wouldn't allow. If tomorrow I'm coming here with aunt for lunch, I'm bringing him back to the park. At least that's a way to actually be possible that some nice people could bring them in. But if they didn't, I guess I would head to the park more often then.
Be strong, little one
Loving can hurt sometimes? Nah. Can kill*
And when it happened, you don't even want to look at the photographs. You just sit there hopeless doing nothing, staring at nothing, wondering why is this. You just wanna stop giving shit, stop expecting everything. You said it, definitely you mean it. It's not gonna be nothing if you just pretend nothing happened. No such thing. Once you said it, it's done. Once you stabbed it, it's already done, too.
When you let it happen once, it happened again, and again. And it conquered you. Made you worthless, like it's ok to do whatever he wants cuz you'll be fine with it. Then you be fine with it. Allowing someone to enter your heart and breaking you from the inside, saying that. That's not just stab. That's.... putting up a fire from the inside. At the end, nothing's left. Can you say that, "Let's pretend nothing happened"? No I already heard that. I get that. I accepted that. I'll remember that. You'll always be better alone, so I better get ready to expect you, to put a fire again any time.
I'm stupid enough to let shits happen repeatedly. But never mind. At least I know what you think now. I'll never be permanent.
Can you imagine me study? Oh guess what? I can't, at all.
Aces? How bout just A. How bout screw all this shit! I don't see why I'm living.
I can't believe you said that. Thanks for killing me now, that maybe I can reduce that pain in the future, if there is one. Thanks for letting me know how well and fine your life will be when I'm gone. I can die peacefully.
Not ok. I faked to be asleep when dad called me for dinner. I faked to be asleep when grandma did the same. I listen to that song and everything's just not fine, choking over my own snot.
I hate living like this. I miss books, dramas. I wanna die. Just one day. I'll start studying after this shit. I'll leave this stupid stack of mattresses. I'll get up and study. I'll prove to you I can die again and again in one night And I'll still get up and live.
Learn to say no.
I wanna break my arm. My leg, my skull, everything, to remind that physical pain hurts much more.
Adapt and accept, brought me into this. If I kept my stubborn ass attitude, this wouldn't have happened.
I know what I want, and no one has any rights to change my decision.
From now on. No one, no one in earth can change my decision.
No more drafts from now on.
Stalkers.
So this is what it feels like. I wish I can kill myself. I skipped lunch. But I'm not hungry. I'm gonna skip dinner too. I skipped visiting an old friend. I deactivated fb. I guess this feels like hiding in my own damn coffin. I should uninstall WA. I should just die.
We're not just bent, we're broken. I thought I'm gonna appreciate you being alive and with me. I thought we were going to last forever.
It's so hard to imagine you in someone else's arms, while you having that brightest smile in the universe.
It's hard to imagine that I'll never ever feel your touch anymore.
There's nothing else to live for
I don't know what am I doing. I know people dying is human nature. I know we can't make anyone love us and be supportive. All we can do is give, appreciate, accept.
I was taught being nice when someone isn't having a nice day. When your dad comes home from work he might be grumpy and fierce. We don't reflect it to them, we be nice to make their day less miserable.
I was taught giving respect even if people did not do the same. She was unreasonable for making a piece of shit the President. He did that because he didn't know the reason I stayed. Yeah I don't have respect towards her. At least I don't affect her life. At least I didn't affect his life.
I was taught appreciating when someone's alive. That scene flashed more often these days, that made me feel awesome because I see you fine, strong and healthy, making faces, being ok. I'm happy that you're fine.
The last thing I heard from you, was you prefer that.
I was taught to move on in situations like this. We can't make anyone stay in our life.
If I made my decision to die, I won't regret doing it.
It wont make any difference.
It's almost nine. I wanna sleep but just can't fall back to sleep. And there's cramps, and runny nose, and thoughts. Fml. Thought about you, imagined next year during pre u. Imagined future, everything, oh my god.
3.5 above, is that possible? Stomach is like washing machine. I'm nervous.
Gotta study.
That fucker made me slammed my phone on the table. I feel regret for mistreating you because of an asshole. Luckily there are no cracks, no harm done.
Sometimes I wonder. Why do some asses treat you like shit, when you DID NOT do anything to them? They said that you didn't care, and when you did, they didn't allow to.
Psycho? Look in the mirror, that's psycho. Fuck you, fuck your whole life. Why not LEAVE, go US now and NEVER COME BACK!?
She's an ass that hasn't tasted my fist.
I'm telling myself to IGNORE your SHITTY ATTITUDE and always know that you're just a psycho that needs help, like my aunt.
So unlucky to have a sibling. Fuck my life.