Last.

So today I went out with friends. Having restless night but waking early for a test. I'm like easily exhausted throughout the trip.

So stalkers. Farewell stalkers. Sorry for putting up an extreme unladylike post before the end.

Maybe he cares, but I hate the way misunderstandings happened. I hate the way my day, my night, my sleep got affected badly. I love that you care, but hate that the way you did it made me shitty. Sorry for scolding you like that. You made me.

So farewell stalkers. Ask me, maybe I'll give some true updates. No matter what, I'm killing this blog. For the sake of my already shattered heart.

Well farewell.

#Spm2015 Chinese

Hell naw.

So today was Chinese. Paper one? As usual, hard as hell. Paper two? Unusually ok. I think. That inspiration was there. That stupid flu was there. Anyway I wrote about a friend's story. The title was "Fly, my young heart". Should be a sweet one. I'm moderately quite satisfied. Idk. And people around me didn't do that title. I hope it's interesting enough to brighten up the examiner's head. It's a perspective from a dad, forcing his daughter to take his business. Daughter wants something else. I guess describing her as a bird trapped in a cage was good enough? Anyway he set her free by letting her follow her heart. :3

So... that's it. It's over.
Someone promised me something. That someone, then called it off.

Ah let's stop..
Be positive.

So it's over. I guess I can start all my plans. Before that, I told mom to take me a pic before I take these off. She didn't. So I asked my sister to help. She can't make me a little photogenic ugh. At the end I took a selfie instead.
This is stupiddd.

Last day of high school. I never climbed the gates, I never scolded that piece of shit. There's lots of shits I've never done, but I'm so fine with it. I guess I've done whatever I could to get close with people I like. I've done whatever I could to make some crazy friendships. High school. The bravest thing I did was giving him a peck. :3 It's over now.

They say loving someone is by choice, not by feelings. Yup. By choice. My plan for the future: Never fall in love anymore.

At least it happened. The most memorable year of all. I'll remember. I'll remember that feeling.  

Back to guitar.

So. In progress of turning life back to normal. I got back to class. A month not touching the guitar, my thick ugly layer of fingertip skins are long gone. Before this pause, my teacher started a new piece with me, that's my second grade 8 exam piece. That time, I successfully played half page without looking. How about now?

Miracles! Haha. Musicians are weird. I played, and stopped at the same spot where I stopped last time. Kinda amused. 😂😂 I remember this part there's a finger-switching.

"if you used the correct way to memorize, then it will stay in your head."

Shit's got crazy.
A week and a half will be camp. He's making me duet with a girl, and lmao my skin's not back yet, never even practiced, perform? Damn. Give me a break.

Wish me luck.

Reset

Okay let's start all over again.
I can't reset my memory but I can reset the way I do things.

It's tomorrow. After tomorrow, Spm's over. I'm gonna keep my head occupied with lots and lots of books. (Fiction, encyclopedia etc yay)

So, I'm underweight. I should workout & gain muscles. xD already thirsty to train back that stamina. Aaaaah.

Haih. I miss eating pizza again. Have you ever imagined eating those super huge pizzas like from Facebook.. one slice is like one large pizza.

Ughh I want thattt.
.......fuck what am I doing.

Ahh I wanna watch horror movies.

Life is boring when exam's over but you still have study mood. I'm gonna get pre U books early.

:D

...

Killer

And so because all of the subjects finished except Chinese, I read a book. Reading speed hasn't decreased yet, but still I gave up the last short story at the behind. It's too hard to continue, cuz it's traditional Chinese and the story is written partially in 文言文 form.

It's the killer series by Giddens. Some of them made me cry like mad. A killer's life could be as sad as hell. Some ended alive, some dead.

He put the gun back into his coat after realizing that his target has lost her sight. They had conversations and kinda became chat mates.
"You're here to kill me, aren't you?"
"Yeah. You're so young, why would someone want to kill you?"
"My fiancee's father hired you."

There's a couple. The guy's parents planned his marriage for business purpose, so their relationship was rejected. He brought her and left. There was an accident, he died but she lost her eyesight.

The truth was, he did not die.

Killer pushed her wheelchair. She asked to stop when she heard that familiar meows.
Her fiancee stood right in front if her, tears trickling down without any sound, releasing the kitten so it went to her.
"Awh I missed you."

"What's your last wish that I can do for you?"
"Meet my fiancee."
And so he pulled the trigger.

"Your smile looks different from the photo."
"I only smile like that when I'm happy."

Why is the world full of sad people

Away

I lied. Told him I'm going to bed, about an hour ago. Once again, yh, don't get close to anyone. Don't let anyone get close to you.

If you talk to me, I'll reply. That's all. If we click, then just be it. That's all. After some time, you'll get bored and stop anyway. I don't mind that at all. This is wrong. This is different. Too many days consecutively. Too weird. They're fake. Who else can't pretend when they wanna hit on someone? Not saying hit or what. They're fake.

Does anyone take opportunities to make friends, unintentionally because the other party is just so friendly? And you're like an asshole, ignoring over and over again, suddenly* Snap! The bond broke.

People get tired that easily. But will they go back? He came back. Will you? Always imagining "miracles", but I don't trust miracles. I don't trust luck. There's no such thing as luck. It's either you're born smart, or you have to work hard to be smart. "Good luck" ? No. Anyway if you are born smart and you use that advantage to beat everyone around you, one day, everyone's gonna beat you, and you suck. You'll fail because everyone's become more successful. They climb high, you had an elevator but you just stopped at second floor. They worked hard while you used your 'genius instinct' to make things work. Are you gonna success with that shitty attitude? No. So it's possible. It's possible to work hard and improve like nobody else's business. It's possible to blow their minds and drop their eyes.

Ah ah out of topic.

But still, why tf am I imagining things like that? Self induced depression comes in every shape and size, it comes in any form, any sec, with any thought. In every conversation, your name blocks my mind. Oh! He...... no I'm not supposed to mention you. Then the whole mood changes, the whole world became dark.

Leave him alone, he's a nice guy.

Our chat used to not have any goodbyes. You only throw me a bye when you're mad. Suddenly, goodbye.

When you feel like a fucking dead corpse, don't get close with people who still have a whole heart.

You're a fucking dead zombie walking through life. Don't drag others down, don't drag them zombie walk with you. Chase them away.

Maybe that's what I'm gonna do.

#Spm2015 biology

So I brought my OKU self to bio. I love this muscle pain xD. Feels more like home.

Paper 1 was extremely satisfying, I think. I thought it was easy but didn't dare to have much confidence before I check the answers. Turned out, yup satisfying!

Paper 2. Oh damn plants. I think some of the questions are weirdly stupid. Why does the watermelon has more seeds than the mango? Are you asking about how it reproduced that made the seeds numerous? Or are you asking so we could write something like uh it adapted so it won't go extinct? There's like so many types of answers I pictured. Ugh. It's so weird.

Paper 3. I kinda almost felt too moodless to study just now. It can't get in. I spent the night, days studying theories but neglected experiments. Ah hell. So I actually borrowed a copy of the whole set of experiments taken from our dear smarty pants. I gave up J tube. Honestly. There wasn't enough time, so fucking panicking, ugh hell. But one first look at the paper gave much hope. I read that before! Dry mass, oven, ohyeahhhfuck.

So overall should be ok. Felt ok. Felt as ok as any exam I ever took. Will it be ok? Ah

So happy it's over... worth it.

Back to court.

Yep my niche is still fucked. Trying to switch back and reset that circadian rhythm hahaha.

Guess what, guess what! I realized that it's not that I get full easily. Dad brought us to this huge portion restaurant. The portion is like.... meals for cows. I ate them all, and still helped my aunt.
So fucking full. So now I'm always 'enough'. Doesn't have to be full. Lol.

Today I ran. It's awesome but not so awesome, because I'm so easily tired, it's not normal anymore. I'm ready for the following muscle pains. :3 I remember someone said "Too long no badminton can kill someone." I almost died.

Thanks for the wait. I knew that you were nice because you're you, not just to hit on me. Hahhaha :3 you're still awesome.
Ah I hope you don't mind that I can't stop calling you that. I'm so used to it, calling your name feels weird. :3 Anyway, add oil for your tests. Let's add oil together.

Have you ever had a mosquito bite on one of your toes, so you use any rough surface to scratch it as hard as you can, then suddenly realized it's not a mosquito bite .😂 it's a freaking cut.
Something's wrong with me. I had a vertical bruise 😂 a strain(at least I think that's what it is)  a cut.

No, no, I didn't self harm to get all these lol. I was just reckless. Hitting here and there. But Idk how I get that cut and strain. How do you get a cut on your little toe? And that left ankle, probably some weird studying position. Luckily it didn't affect running& badminton, just several sitting positions. Weird shits.

XD

Nocturnal shit.

I have a disrupted niche problem.
Remember that food chain chapter?

Spm made me nocturnal. No. Actually it made me forget to go to sleep in a proper bed, so I usually rest by falling asleep in a fucking studying position. Terrible shit, yeah.

Third horrible subject, finally a break! That paradisy nap ruined it all. To me, I feel so morning now. It's fucking 1:43....

Let's see how I switch myself back to normal, after all this.....

I'll just study.
Let's hope I can wake up on Monday, to take the exam. Let's hope...

10 hours

10 hours of bio! Can you imagine that?
"There's no such thing as too much, for biology."
Yup, there's no boundary for learning.

We actually joined Ang class, it's so full because of these thirsty peeps, desperately fishing for more useful information.

So tired.

Sigh.

So we made it, 10 hours. It's actually torturing. I just had 15 consecutive sneeze-combos. Wait. Make it 17. It wasn't that bad this morning.

Haiz. But I'm lucky I went, I wouldn't have studied much in my current condition. Who's cursing me!?

Please please don't make me take bio paper with a flu.

Right right I forgot.
Today teacher shared a story to us. About this boy, that recently left because of an autoimmune disease. It's a fucking tragedy.

She told us how he hard he studied. He had every right to give up and get rest, but he didn't. Losing eyesight, muscles dysfunctioning, he skipped at least 6 months of school before spm but still managed to get few A's. And still, tried so hard to catch up in his A levels.

There are no excuses. Having a life means having chances. If that guy who suicided heard about this, he might stay strong and just keep working harder. Add math is not everything. Not giving up is everything. T.T  let's survive this shit.

#Spm chem

You know you're screwed if you think it's hard but everyone think it's easy. So fucked up. The questions were familiar. I did studied, but mostly, screwed in calculations. Ugh fuck calculations. I can't do well in anything with numbers. ...

I partially screwed two of the papers, I Thought, if I screw up paper three, I'm a piece of useless shit.

I think I didn't. 😁
Paper three. Maybe shouting openly "PLEASE DON'T BE SO HARD" works. I did that before physics, and also this.

I miss sleeping.

#SpmPhysics 2015.

Physics was ok. Definitely gonna get a better result, than before. I'm just scared that.... what if the A standard rises too much? I kinda have quite a number of mistakes already.(but still, did well than before) haiz.

It's the first time I ever lay on the table, to sleep.
*when you don't have enough sleep, anywhere is bed.*

I heard of this news today. A boy from another school hung himself after add math paper one. I have nothing to say. It must be so hard, for the family... ugh.

Ugh. :(
Let's not over push ourselves okay? It's good to aim high but we don't have to kill ourselves just because we didn't do well. Just try your best. We only fail when we gave up. Don't give up life.

Haizz.

#spm2015 add math

7.00
Ugh. I'm so nervous. I kinda skipped meals to prevent upsetting my stomach. But. I'm afraid gastric might kill me too. Ugh. Ohgosh.

Please please don't be so hard. I need an ok credit. I've done all I could, in between these breaks. Now it's just trigo. Trigonometry kills. I don't know what is that. 😞😭😭

Don't let me leave any blanks this time. Let's do this shit.

5.00
So. It's fucking hard. First paper, I thought it'd be easier. It's not. It's fucking hard. I don't know. I think it's much better than previous exams because it's the first time I prepared a little. Second paper, It's fucking fucking hard. Ok. Tbh, I didn't leave anything blank. I wrote some shits, until I felt something wrong because I couldn't get the answer, then I skip. Not worth wasting too much time on one question right. My heart almost escaped me. Almost pass up without finishing. Oh no. Maybe, I can't get that ok credit I aimed.

What's wrong with me? I used to be better. It's not right. Ugh. :(

And now I'm still stucked here.

"Rest when you're done, not when you're tired. " says someone. Well, no rest for tonight then.
☕☕

Weird shits

If you wanna prevent weird shits.
I wanna prevent weird shits. I strongly insist, not taking breakfast before any subject. The thing is. I'm hungry already......... and it's midnight. Tomorrow's first paper lasts until 10, then until 4. No I can't skip them all.

Do I eat now? Hahahaha omg hardest decision.

Shoo, headache, why come now, shoo!
Fantastic timing! -.-

Befriended

I befriended a half blood prince. It's a funny process. He betrayed me, I blocked him. Years later, unblocked him because I can't remember what he did. One day, he messaged me an apology, which I've forgotten what he had done. So, friend accepted.

I've ignored him for a thousand times. He was just being friendly.

I was such an ass..... oh gosh why did I..

People gotta learn how to appreciate people like this. If there's a person who's always there no matter how shitty you treated him/her, don't let that friend go. That's a weird yet awesome chance for a (maybe long)lasting friendship.

Already done

Sometimes. If I say I'm full, I'm full! Doesn't matter I ate already, or not! Yes I know. These days, I don't have much appetite. Just let me. Ugh. I'm not lying!

My grandma thought that I'm lying, because I wanna keep in shape. Hell no! I still do, eat, okay. -.- why would someone insist not to believe me because she strongly thinks it's impossible? It's possible okay.

People come and go. Things change. My appetite changed, my beliefs changed. Probably has got a lot to do with the mood. I'm not happy! Stop forcing me to eat. Rice bucket becoming a little teacup? Yes it's not natural, it's not right, BUT IT ALREADY HAPPENED.

"Sometimes you gotta accept the fact that certain things will never go back to how they used to be. " - someone.

It's hard but just fucking accept that! Many of my stupid habits changed, accept that. I'm not the same, accept that. Went through some shit and changed, accept that. It's already done.

Tree.

I wouldn't mind if it's tsunami tsunami. Tsunami tsunami kills instantly and that's a great way to die. But if it's that Tsunami, few fucking days before the hardest subjects, ohhhh fuck it. It's so unfair. It's so unfair!

Why do some asses still gaming at this point of their lives. Why do they have the opportunity to even choose to study or not while some of us having a bloody avalanche or tsunami everywhere. It's so unfair! We get to unvoluntarily dodge and find safe places to go, and get tired because of all those shits, and THEY, those lazy asses won't take their awesome opportunity to study, but do shits like that. It's so so unfair!

Fuck that guy.

I Wanna Be A Fucking Tree. FML.

20/11/2015.

So there's something I never done before, but I know how to do it.

Have you ever been so fed up of life, you feel like starting all over again? To me, I think the first step is getting rid of all the stuff that hurts me. Cleaning this fucking shit air con. The filters are dirty, maybe that's the reason my sinuses are back, they detect dust. I've never done this before, but it's actually easy. Open up that cover(holding your breath), remove the filters, and wash.

Next? I wanna remove my goddamn gonads so badly because I know they are fucking useless! That's one thing I can't get rid of. `&#(!)

Next, this blog.. Dear dear stalkers. I realized that I've been drafting very often, so often that the published posts are reducing. I realized that I typed, but only published positive ones. Maybe I don't feel like exposing the depressing sides anymore. I tell them, my blog is the only place I'm fully honest about my feelings, but now it's not anymore.

One of the stalkers said to me. It's okay to be not okay. I used to blog when I'm unhappy because I think it releases the unhappiness, it helps relieve the pain. For now, blogging doesn't help anymore. I don't know the purpose of blogging anymore. 

Now on, only positive posts will appear. I'll wear a smile through life, in the media, and also in reality. This blog officially, considered dead.

Nothing feels alive.

Physucks. PhySUCKS.

That frustration. You realized how much you hate physics. Much more than add math, maybe. That frustration, increased with the awfulness of the weather. And when your air con doesn't work. And when you're sweating like hell and you wanna concentrate.

............

OH COME ON.
恨不得立刻馬上星期三。快點考完它。拜託。no. I'm never gonna touch physics after next weds. Ohgodddd Ihatephysicss!!!

That's it. I'm going somewhere.

Thanks!

I never imagined how it'll be like to.........

Understand everything in add math! Gosh it seemed so impossible.. a big big thank you to yip man. Hahahahahahaha :3 so nice of youuu to sacrifice some time teaching this idiot shit who doesn't have math logic, while you're having your own limited study time left. 真是太感動了。

It's very very nice of you, today. Well, I can say that I used to always leave add math questions blank.... I hope I can write something in all of them this time. Thanks for that. :)

Green tea ice cream 😍 is awesome.

Let us all

I was mad about something, how annoying my nose is, how thoughts stop me from studying, how my mom was mad at me.

I saw a post from fb, how syrian children sleep.  That made everything nothing. I'm glad I have a chance to be mad at all those things. I'm glad I have money to pay for the book I lost, I have not just a bed but a stack of mattresses to sleep on. Can you believe that? Their wishes, he hopes he has a chance to sleep on a bed. They get bombed in the middle of nowhere, instantly losing the one they love the most.

I'm glad I saw that how people out there are suffering. That's some depressing shit. I cried watching sad movies and korean dramas, dreams being trashed and broken, reading Giddens novels and others, and some random shit, but it's the first time, reading a depressing true-story-post. I have a new aim to go for, now.

Let us all be grateful that we have a bed to sleep on, we have spbt books to borrow, have storybooks to look forward reading them, having the chance to sit in the exam hall, and having a safe place to live that we don't have to worry getting blow up everyday. Let's be thankful that our families are safe, our love ones are safe, and chasing his dreams... Let us all work hard, so we can lend a hand to help them because we can.

Spm2015 moral.

Fuck everyone.

I had a chance to lie and it'll all be over. No one will know and no one will give shit. I hate that little voice in my head telling me, hey, you know it's not right to do this. Don't do this.
Well at least I don't have to feel guilty until the end of all this. Yep it's my fault, I have to face these shitty consequences because I can't let myself lie that shit.

Ugh. I'll earn that money.

Fuck today. The moment when you are the only one sniffing and sneezing all day, in a quiet exam hall, which isn't that quiet anymore because of your noise pollution. Are you cursing me to get sick now!? Next week will be the hard ones. Don't do that please.

Moral? It was ok. But I realized I had one nilai wrong at the back. Five marks gone. Two nilais without definition, two marks gone. Can I get an A? Idk. Hope the bullshit skills make it A.

So next one is add math.
Don't curse me.

So f fed up of living.

#spm2015 modmath

Maybe we had wrongly blamed the midnight. Maybe it wasn't the time that makes people emotional. Maybe it's just the silence.

Oh today we had mod math. It's wonderfully easy. They say, you need to do many many exercises to master the harder & weirder questions(I'm talking bout transformation). But to me, maybe yeah we need a few exercises. But sometimes you have to have that logic, that common sense(which I dont have lol). All four types of them came out, but they're easy. Just it's stupid for a physics question to appear here now (I haven't touch much of physics yet!)

Unexpectedly, there's so much time left! Half an hour for us to check again and again. And the class was so quiet. That silence was so fucking dangerous.

Yes, in the middle of exam, my mind could easily wander off everywhere. I can think about how the Paris attack victims told their story, imagine a day out with 38's, part time, my very very future pet (probably a dog), me driving, memories, and stuff. I miss playing badminton too ohgosh. I need to sweat, a lot a lot, I miss that muscle pain I get after all the pushups. 

Spm#2015 so bored!

Gosh I'm excited for add math exam now. Will that intensive-catch-up make "almost fail" to an "OK credit"?

Ramalan

One of my after spm plan is know about more stuff, as in, news, politics, basically everything that I didn't give a damn to know about it. When people tell me bout news, I'm like woah I didn't know that. That felt stupid. Well for now, the Paris issue is all over fb. I read the comments, it's not everyday we get to see how people view about it.. I was like what's ISIS? They brought in refugees from where? What's suicidal bombs?

The last question of sejarah paper two. There's this picture of missiles and bombs. Teknologi kini telah blahbllaah improvising. Then RAMALKAN masa depan with this teknologi yang ''canggih" blabla. Screw my bm, no more bm.

I wrote something like world war three is definitely gonna happen, and all those shits. According to the news. It's something like that, right?

Remember I posted about why I dislike humans.... oh gosh this world is mad! My first thought is : Zaman Jahiliah is repeating itself over again. :/
Animals are way better than humans.

Stop, bacteria!

The doc suspected it's bacterial infection, Helicobacter pylori, they call it 螺旋菌 in chinese. What a weird translation. It's not that common right? Google didn't even mention that in examples of bacterial infections in GI tract. I wonder if that has anything to do with the food. According to Google, it can be spreaded so easily, saliva, hygiene, crowded living area. She's gonna go take the report on Monday. :)

I have ok appetite, but, as usual, I eat lots of extra snacks while studying. I'm supposed gain weight from that. However, weight's going down because of don't know what shit. Food poisoning? No way I guess? Lol last time I had this spoilt beverage, it had me rushing to toilet for about four times on the same day.

I read from somewhere it says, average adults have diarrhea for like four times in a year. I had like five times four. If my other family members are having these symptoms too, then it's definitely the food!

Damn, please please stop as soon as possible. Three days left! Stop it. I can't run to the toilet in the middle of math paper. I'm having problems with numbers, lol.

🙏 maybe I should stop eating and see if it stops. :3 puasaa!

Looking forward

I still hate add math. Although, I'm obviously improving. Gosh these days are freaking hard to focus. Inter-spm breaks are so long. That boring environment, that List, that food, that always upsetting stomach. Can't believe I'm sick of everything, including my playlist. Ugh.

I'm looking forward to whatever's ahead. It's a lot of plans. Oh god you should see my bucket list. Especially movie bucket list... there's also a list we planned. I guess it's just me now.

I'm glad my first instinct towards sweet stuff is "It's not real." I think that saved lots of unnecessary breaks. Ooh the bigger capacity USB dad got for me arrived. It's so adorable. I'm surprised, by the time required to move Your file over there. Hahah it's huge..

Eek I wanna say something. Do you know how hard I have to dig in my spm-books&papers-piled-messy-room to find that one booklet? Hey I wanted to help. And that response was so freaking awesome. Is that the way you treat someone you ask for help? Hey I'm not even a stranger. You could be nicer, right? Hmph.
Anyways I'll try to find the other one, if you could wait. :/

Damn I'm looking forward for a workout, a swim, the first salary, reading all those books, watch horror movies alone, the first trip far away from home without close adult's company. There's so much to learn. That thirst.

Fff get me out of high school. I wonder what job will we get. Hope they accept 17 people. :/

Problems

Medicine are drugs. Are they good or bad? Seriously, I think it's like we shouldn't rely on them until we can't live without them.

My grandma has lots of health problems. Hypertension, diabetes are the major two of course. The thing is, she loves rice, bread and all starchy things. Jacob! That square cracker. She has her own way to get those stuff, so no one can actually stop her. Why do you go to a doctor if you don't wanna listen to their consults? Medicine can't be magic. She's got to control that diet. Ah old people. What can we do?

Not just that. Every morning, she goes to the park. She claims it 'jogging', but nah, it's just walking. That day she was sent back by a car, and had a hard time walking in. She said she tried to cross a drain or smtg but fell. Daaaamn. So mom brought her to clinic, and updated the bigg family group about this. Of course, we(me, my sis, and chopin cousin) are the victims. Oh gosh you should see how they criticized/insulted/scolded us. "The grand children can't do housework, blahblah."

I have the thirty second rule, which helped a lot, to prevent me talking back. So I replied 'Yes ma'am.' Deep down,
"_&#(@)!; You have no idea how to deal with this old lady, she loves to cook, you wanna make her sit there? Do you know how's it like if a person can't contribute to the house? It's like WAITING FOR THE DEATH TO TAKE HER, think about it, ladies. I have SPM. I lost my love of my life. Do any of you wanna taste all this shit? Walk in my shoes and speak again, idiots."

She still won't rest. Now her joints are inflamed. Diabetes medicine having more and more side effects(vomiting etc). Ugh I really don't like the idea of medicine. If you ask me, I never had Panadol in my whole life(since the day I'm conscious about myself), so Idk why did I kept an extra in my wallet lol.

I dislike people, but maybe that doesn't make me don't wanna help. I feel bad knowing his car accident, the most I can do is send a wish you get well message. I feel bad about my grandma being unwell all the time.
#thereasonsihatebeingyoung
Not able to study things that are really useful for the future.
Not able to even buy a little thing online.
Not able to do anything because I'm underaged.
"Hey, how do I sign up for the crew?"
"We're looking for members who are age 18-25, blahblah."

Ok. The first one doesn't fit. Forget it! Four more months. It'll be the next phase of our lives. What are my aims? I don't know? I want my presence to benefit the world. Can't wait to study to actually be useful.

Everyday,

Today was chem. I sat in the front, thanks to lychee loving me, haha. There was an accident, I heard, a guy from my previous class, got knocked down by a car. That's something you don't see everyday. I wish he's fine, tho I never called him or even talked about him. He's a not exactly a friend, just an old classmate. He's just on his way to school for chemistry extra class. Discipline head says his head can't stop bleeding, but he's conscious. Then, gangster head-like said he's fine.

Yeah and that's why, there's not always tomorrow. I wish I know you're safe, everyday. Yes five second rule. I don't care about five second rule you're still my dearest friend. Archived or not, I almost asked you, if everything's fine there. But I guess I shouldn't, since I asked about few days ago...

Being with lychee is really awesome. She tells me awesome news. There's this table, stating the marks required for respective grades for last year's spm. Damn, the highest mark needed to get A+ subject is BM. Like 84 to get A+. Daaamn. And other subjects are like 70++.

Wonderful news, her mom actually supported her for the plan. I'm not alone!! :3 after all shit we actually went to her place, by walking. It's been a long time. I haven't noticed that a side of that tree's thick branch had been cut off. And there's actually fences around the path. 

It's nice.

Anyways my point for today, stay safe. Stay fine, okay?? Haizz. I won't even know anyway, whatever's happening over there.......

Hope everyone's safe!

Homo sapiens (not so wise person)

Maybe it's not humans I hate. Maybe it's not that I have extreme negativity. MAYBE, it's because I have an extremely annoying sister that I just wish to be alone. Gossshhhhh she's SOO ANNOYING. Ok just kidding. She's just annoying.

If you're wondering. What negativity? Hm. I used to not talk about this openly, maybe just to yip man.

Why do humans exist? It's like we're all born here to find out our own selfish aim, ended up we all are destroying the world(usage of refrigerator is counted too!). In bio class, teacher asked a question, something like.. we all know that humans are overpopulated, if the government or whatever shit decides to secretly release an infertile poison or anything, to cut down population, do you agree? I'd agree. If you watch age of ultron. Why did it want to wipe out human race? Because we create war, we destroyed earth. Something like that. Look at the world. It's full of buildings, roads. Where are the trees? It'll be damn awesome if it's stated in the law or whatever, that every __km^2 of area has to have fixed amount of trees so the buyer wanna use an area, they replace the trees that's cut down. If you ask me my opinion towards genetic engineering? No. Big No. It is disrupting nature anyway.

I agree, if the government's not doing anything, I'd support the secretly release poison thingy, to make us infertile. Yeah, some people are good people, which are trying hard to save the earth. But there are too few of them, and we destroy too fast, comparing to the speed earth recovers. Does it not make sense? Just my opinion anyway. And that's a big reason, I don't like people. Personally, I think dying is a good way to benefit the world. Tho the living around might be sad for a short period, but who doesn't die? Each human are wasting so much resources. Dying relieves the pain we caused.

Yes I know, I understand if you call that 'extreme negativity'. If there's no humans, there won't be so much chaos. Everything will die accordingly, no one disrupting food chain, no living being extinct because of selfishly craving luxurious life. We have no rights to take away someone else's freedom. Or the existence of few whole species. Humans are smart, way too smart, until it's getting bad...

Ugh. I dislike people, because we only contribute to destroying.. haiz, help me get rid of this idea of humans? Can anyone? Sometimes I'm just tired of my own negativity, I can't stand myself thinking like that. My violin teacher used to say, my name represents happy, super, extremely happy. Cuz I smile wherever I go, you know.... happiness can be brought around just like that. Who knows, deep down inside, I dislike people. That just feels so wrong.

Homo sapiens (in latin) means wise person. How in earth are humans wise? We're like shit. Tbh. I don't wanna have this idea about people. Daaaamn, help.

Bio!

Wow we had six hours of bio today! It's awesome. Tho, it's just simple revision....

I've been sneezing all the time. Are you cursing me? -.- I guess I understand it now, that awesomeness when you could answer a question the whole class can't 😂. Termite!

Oh gosh today was damn weird. My appetite is freaking weird. I had chicken rice then three pieces of pizza. And surprisingly, they're free(the pizza). They used class fund (wow ikr). It's been a while, since the last time I'm eating this much. I think, maybe it's because of those midnight cravings. I had rice but I can't give up these awesome pizza it's worth the weight gain. :3

And I found something I needed so badly, that I couldn't find it in those few shops. XD

Bio is awesome. The more you look into it, the more you think you need to know. Damn I wanna know whatever I don't know yet.

Can't wait !

Midnight

The thing I hate the most about midnight: there are no rules. Everyone's asleep. I can go down and get myself ice cream just because I feel like it. There are no rules, not even five second rule.

You know. Sometimes images appear in our heads. Yeah, the more we wanna forget, the more we can't. The thing is, I didn't wanna 'forget' all that. I wanna put it aside so it doesn't affect my daily life.

Midnights made it hard to put it aside. It's so quiet. You know you're screwed when the voices in your head are taking over. It just gets louder until you have no idea how to fall asleep.

So screwed.

%*%(@)%*@ there's class tomorrow, sleep.

Let's think about pizza again........

Five second rule

According to Dr Nathan's five second rule, it means you have to think for five secs before you speak. Think.
According to Google's five second rule, it means if you drop food, you can pick it up and eat it within five seconds.

According to my five second rule, it means I have to shake away my whatever-thoughts within five secs if it's related to him. Yes I've broke the rule, because from the first word I typed here, I'm thinking.

When you wanna quit eating spaghetti, and suddenly the world just decides to give you free spaghetti. When you archived a chat to not see a person's name, and the following notification which you almost ignored, it's that name again.

I told my sister I archived him, she said why, can't you two still be friends?
No, it's not that I don't want. I wanna let things calm.
"I know you wanna be more than just friends."

That's what makes my sister an absolute bitch.
She's a fucking bitch.

Like you're trying to quit eating pizza and she's just telling you how nice it is.

And in this situation, thirty second rule is needed.
30, 29, 28, 27........

Home

Staying at home all day won't make me go crazy.
Staying at home all day staring& trying add math questions can make me go crazy.

But,
There are times I solved one question and another, consecutively, and got all correct even when the final answer is freaking weird.
That satisfaction is as awesome as awesome.

:3

When I'm so fed up of food and grandma finally understood. She's like watching me eat bite by bite, afraid that I would silently throw them away.
XD hhahahhaha but I'll never do that.

!

Tilt

Okeh. Turned out it's not an imaginary pain.
I think something's wrong with my back. But different kind of it. Idk which one's worse,

The previous one it hurts each inhalation, sneeze, yawn or certain angle. I don't think it's completely recovered yet.
This one? More when head tilt forward, more like every angle. The irritating feeling is there in every angle. Damn it.

Actually both aren't that bad. But for spm month, having this shit? Hohoho.
It's gonna be tough to ignore it. I'm screwed.

Made me feel like stop doing add math. XD
Ohgoshh just can't focus.

Zzzz

Ah my mom actually asked me if I wanna watch a movie, today. And it's a movie I wanted to watch, for a long time.

T-T can't believe I rejected.
我的少女時代

Okay nvm Itll be my movie-bucket list.

Ugh I wonder if it's the sleeping position again.

......

Z<zzzzz

I'M FUCKING FED UP with add math
I hate add math
I wanna study chem
Or physics
Or whatever else, Idw addmath T.T
I'm so lazy to go get my calculator

Heeeelp

I'm going crazy.
I'm empty
I miss him
But ugh that doesn't matter

I'm sick of everything.

I'm so bored.
Whyyy spm made so many huge gaps in between.

Whyyyy why
Wasting so much time!

.....

I have to score this shit
Ughh...............
I hate add math.

I'm saying.

UGH. I hate this feeling. Having the urge to give shit but NO I'm not gonna say it! It's not my business. I don't have any rights to tell you those things.

I'm gonna say it.
You're an idiot! You wanna make a good future, then take care of yourself! If you're over pushing yourself how are there supposed to be any future!? ......

Why did I find out??!!? Oh no. Oh oh oh no.
I'm so fucking screwed. It's right, that I pause for a month, cuz I need to study. I shouldn't go just for him. No no.

Why ?? you're supposed to be resting. You're supposed to listen to doc and rest well, until you are well! You're continuing, why? For how long?
I wanna whack you. Seriously. Are you truly obsessed with this violent nature too? ....

I disagree. Why am I not happy at all, knowing news like this. The past two weeks I was wondering if you still do jog, in the afternoon. So now what? Do you still freaking jog? I don't get it. Tbh. I hope you stop before you hurt yourself again. It feels wrong. The dreams..

Hey. Why don't you rest, a couple of weeks, or maybe few months... ?? there's always chance for competitions, but it might really be the end if you don't take good care of yourself. Haiz.
休息是為了走更長的路。You told me that, remember? You should apply it to yourself too. Rest, let them recover, then only get back to the court. It'll be the best for you........
You told me, that I have to let go of milk in order to prevent myself from getting hurt. I'm telling you back, you need to rest, you know why.

I'm speechless.
You won't listen anyway

Ugh %(!(_*@ what do I do?
That's why I'm worried bout you!
.................

Damn.

Uncle D

Going through an album of super beautiful pictures. I thought of art class I used to have.

I remember uncle D from art class told me, it won't last. And I was mad about it, so we had a deal, if it lasts after five years, he'd throw me a idk how many k party.

Hahhhahaha,
Turned out he's right. It didn't last.

Awh I miss art class.

I know, I wrote here for many times, that I should stop mentioning him. But it's like so hard.

You're like my drug. I'm deeply addicted, but I'm forced to stop taking them. That process you have to quit something, hoho. It's a looong, torturing process.

You're right about the milk thingy.
Oh gosh, today I had milk tea. I forgot milk tea contains milk, I forgot I can't take milk. Hahah maybe I'm getting old. Who else experiences shits like this after milk/cheese intake? I'm just fking 17.
I agree, to stop taking them in order to prevent self from getting hurt. This means stop eating my favorite food right?
Is this goodbye to spaghetti carbonara?
How depressing. The world seems depressing.

Goodbyes are the hardest, especially to those you love. (!! ._. )

:(

A friend's role

I've made a mistake.
When someone's totally excited or frustrated, they finally can't take it and they ask, or talk to their friends' for opinion. Friends' suggestions are extremely important. They make the final decisions, easily.

If you ate a bite of a cake that tastes so god damn awesome, will you continue to eat it if your friends said it's gross and disgusting?
No, because you're not frustrated and you're clear about yourself, about how you feel towards the cake.
The problem now is that your taste buds are infected. Or maybe your friends tell you this cake is fucking expired, or it's inner layer is rotting. You throw it away without hesitation. Am I right?
The truth is, the cake is not harmful to you, sweetheart. The cake is fucking organic and it's good to you. It wants to be good to you. It wants to be inside you forever. I can never want to hurt you.

A friend's role.
Partly, they destroyed 'us'. My friend told me to talk to your friends to try to solve 'our' problem, but, I know it's not gonna work because their suggestions are what brought 'us' here.
I'm a shitty friend. Everything was well and fine. It's an accident we gossiped. It's an accident I found out a secret which IS a secret from her perspective. I know it'll make her feel shitty, but I think she should know.
When someone's exposing secrets behind your back, OF COURSE you should know it so you won't tell them anymore. Yes it's about helping her to protect herself.

But I didn't mean to break the bond between you two.

As a friend, you want the best for your buddy. You wanna give suggestions that help the most in her life. You want to tell her, she was right to not trust him, but you don't wanna destroy that relationship, right? How do you do that?
I still regret for making this move.

At the same time, I hate your friends but I don't really blame them for giving suggestions. I hate them for suggesting a breakup. But, I don't hate them for wanting the best for you. We all love you  and care about you, that's why, your friends and I and your family have the same motives: to hope the best for you.

It's actually not wrong to listen either one of them's suggestion. Even though you listen to one, and you hurt another so badly she doesn't wanna live anymore. Even if you listen to her and give a chance. It's no harm.
It's just they thought the cake is harmful, but it actually isn't. And you're throwing it away, because it's the safest way to prevent yourself getting poisoned.

Friends' role are so important. Do not, simply give suggestions.

Best of me!

7.43
!!! The best of me! Showing later. I still haven't finished the book. I'm gonna watch it if no one's in my way. If he ended up with her.....

Maybe many years later, when I got into my dream career and you got into yours, we grow a little older with grey hair and wrinkles, have many many new cool stories, then I end up with you?

Haha just joking. Movies are fake. Happy endings only exist in fairy tales. Life is shit, not a fairy tale.

Let's just hope we survive the shitty journey.
Maybe cross each others' minds whenever stuff triggers the memory button.

Hmm.

This time it's a dream of being back together. I'm glad I can hug you so tight, in the dream. But one thing different, is that you're not well. In the dream, you have a serious health problem. Damn it. I don't get it. Are you okay? Are you sick? I'm a little worried and a little scared.

Hey please take care of yourself. Don't dont stress out. Health is first priority ok? Get rest, don't stay up too late. I know you take your studies seriously, but take health seriously too. Ugh. Please just stay healthy and well. I'll fucking go to you if I found out that you're really unwell. Please be fine... haiz. It sucks to end 'us', but it sucks more, to see you in that condition.

Take care..

!
I found our shogun candids. <3
You're awesome

Now,

Shit. Maybe I shouldn't have installed back fb. Been wasting time for nothing.

Yip man brought me to Twitter. Kinda stupid reason: for #spm2015 jokes. Twitter is a lil different. Unlike fb, you spit something, you can't take it back(I think?) And for the chat,,, yes lol there's a messenger function. There's no last seen, no availability, no ticks, no notifications. It's actually quite free. Hmm.

Is it that overreacting? Chicken breast,, (I'll just call him kfc lah) he said there's so many people complaining and all, bout this year's kbat ish spm. Uhm. Hahaa but the tweets and posts are still fucking lmao. I wonder, how did they go famous(mila, crystal, and that travelling freak.. shit what's his name again..) only 2015 candidates are in that situation right...

I think, back problem's coming back. Weird. I'm back on the floor for a few days. :/  oh weight's coming back too. Probably because no badminton, and just sitting in front of table all daaayy..

These days I'm Googling a lot. And keeping my room(as in, destroying books). For stalkers' information, I don't actually destroy. But yeah. Erm. My mom developed a habit in me. Since forever, she reused all my old exercise books' blank papers after tearing blank ones out. So I'm now like that too, maybe a little too much. In class, we(yip man and I heh) fight for distributing free papers to truth gang. So after bm, Bi and history, there's so many papers to be catogarized! Eg, single side blank, none blank but many spaces...... cousin's interested in those notes that I feel bad to recycle! :D  so great to be able to give whatever I don't need to people needing them.

And with radio on. Singing is awesome. Just sometimes they reformed the memories that I don't want to flash back. Then shake it off. Oh I have a new habit. Some songs, they sang about how much they love the partner.
"Lies, lies. You won't say that after a year."
And another habit
*shit this is too depressing. Skip track*

Never let them replay.

Tbh I can't sleep. It's 2.16, I checked, he's still awake. Why did I even check? I don't know. Tho he hid is everything in WA(that's why I'm not sure if he blocked!), I can't help clicking into his name, and back out. Today coincidentally he was ONLINE. I told myself not to start a convo so I won't know if he did blocked or not. Turned out he didn't.

Thank you for that.

Tbh. I feel like eating pizza. Fuck. Wth is wrong with me. I'm just trying to clear my head. I don't wanna recall awesome stuff and end up leaving a stain on my pencil. There's so many stains already.

New aim to myself, NO MORE staining my pencil, and also the pillows. No more.

Maybe It's a good thing I crave pizza. I'll just think about pizza until I fall asleep.

Just pizza, not him eating the pizza.
Not him asking me beef or chicken.

Just pizza.

Damn.

I was thinking about ignoring the vibrate. I thought it will never be you anymore. After that day, I never looked forward when I heard notifications. Since it's not you, I can ignore it.

But it's you.
:)

Ok.

I even wonder now, was I truly obsessed with this violent nature, was I attracted to that pain, to hurting myself?

Ok that's it! I have to stop thinking whether he still agrees to stay friends or not. I should eat more and replace that weight I've lost. I should really, really keep all the little photos into a box, and backup that folder which is created specially just for his photos, videos and voice clips. I should keep my room and start fresh.

Don't look back. I heard you said that before.

Once I keep your photos in the laptop, I won't look at them anymore. I won't reread my diary anymore, too.

Spm.
I wonder how previous spm was like. I never imagined it'll be like this. It's fucking out of my expectations. Teachers never let us do these brainless questions, we never had to write a page long answer for a 'Statement'.

Good thing there's no more "history-which-is-not-exactly-history". Why would you make the whole country study the textbook while the exam questions are irrelevant??

So weirddd. Ah hell.

.

Life is full of shit. I wonder if you still think of us.

Im trying to take a nap. But I thought of how you hugged me to sleep, how you wrap your arms around me before we nap. I miss you, I wish you're right next to me.

He doesn't want you anymore, yh.
He doesn't love you anymore.
He's going to marry another girl.
He's not gonna seen your message.
He's gonna ignore you forever,
Just stop being depressed about it.
Why make yourself so miserable
Stop writing about him, too.
He thinks it's not worth staying strong for you
He hates you
Accept the fact that he'll never come back
At least you learnt something
Words never meant anything, they're all fake
And you know that "I love you forever" doesn't exist.
I love you forever, are just words that kill
Expectation kills
At least you'll never forget about this mistake.
Never trust these anymore.

Seriously! Never trust them anymore.

Nightmare

I woke from my sleep. It sucked. It's another break up scene. You came back but left again.

Whu do I have to have shitty dreams like this? Can you please stop torturing my mind? I want to leave this matter aside during the big exam. I want to leave all this aside until I'm done.

But my sleep wants me to remember them. It showed me, you left me again and again. You came back but left again.
I'm so tired. I'm so tired waking up tired, like I've never slept. I'm so tired sleeping while being tortured mentally. I'm so tired.

Fuck my life. Why do this to me?

Should I go bank to sleep? Can you let me sleep in peace? Please. Just wanna rest. Just wanns sleep without dreams. Please.

Spm sej.

Spm is not over yet and I'm actually so looking forward for the next phase of my life. I'm having plans, few more weeks to go but I can feel that nervous shit building up. Aside from nervous shit of course, there's exciting plans too..

Damn.

Sej was fucking hard. They said from the spine of the exam paper booklet, if you see the black thingy high up, then it means it's fucking high level. I didn't really paid attention to the black thingy because I didn't know. However, they said it's gonna be easier to get A because the A standard's gonna drop.

Oh guess what? TIME TO RUIN SEJ BOOKS HAHA

So happy it's the end of this shitty history.

:)

No chill

I hope tomorrow history turn out to be like these two days' papers.

It's unexpectedly easier. It's even easier than school exams.

Holycow. I don't get why,
Previously I tense up before exams. But spm, like bm, we were crazily gossiping in the bilik wacana minda. Damn. We shouldn't be so relaxed, chilling too much.

Please, tense up, yh. Study.

Shit.
I dreamed a dream is a fucking depressing song.
But damn the lyrics are fucking true.

Take. Back.

I feel like shit. I don't understand. Do you hate me?

I'll prove to you. I'll get the best results that I ever had, I'll get more experiences, I'll blow your mind. I'll blow my mind too, at the same time.

You'll be surprised. You'll take back whatever you've said to me, today. I'll make you, take them all back.

There's a reason I keep secrets. There's a reason I choose to tell part of my friends, just part of them. I know you guys are just gonna spit useless shits to me, that's gonna wipe out that small part of confidence in me. I know you guys gonna talk shit to make me doubt about my ability.

I'll survive, with results, with a smile on my face, you'll see. Thanks for nothing.

I'll survive without you.

;

Am I begging for your return? I did it, and stopped it. As usual, my blog is to write and release shits that I want to. I'm releasing all these shits here so I don't have to look that miserable in front of my family. Do you get me?

Am I begging for your return? I don't think so, now. I'm telling you, I feel lucky we were together. I feel lucky we could even have a chance to meet because we're Malaysians, unlike China, they didn't even have fb. I'm saying, I'm lucky that you allowed me to appreciate you until this October, because you were supposed to quit since January. You told me, you could stay if I want you to. I wanted you to.. I'm saying, I'm lucky to have you for nine months plus. I'm really lucky that you came into my life even for just a while.

Am I begging for your return? If you see me reminding you about I still love you, IF you decided to return, My arms are ready. I'm always ready for you. If you realized you miss me, if you wanna give another try, I'm here. I miss you. Yes I want you back, but I'm not asking you anymore.

I'll want you as a friend. If you read these, I assume you still care. If you even signed in my blog to read these, you definitely still care, right? I don't know as a friend, as a bf who can't completely let go, or as whatever, Thank you. You scared me because it says new device signed in. But it soothes me stating "N9". I assume you care as a friend.

I wish for your return but I'll never expect it anymore. I still love you, it's really hard to actually stop. Let it be one sided so it's better for us. Let it be just me loving you and you don't have to do anything, just treat me like your friends.

A friend who's allowed to stroke your spiky chin, a special friend who gives shit about all of you. Dont push me away because I don't mind, I lost you and I can't possibly lose you again since you're not mine anymore.

Life just isn't life without you. Nothing else matters.

Phone? Nah

Before we were together, I don't even think a phone is needed.

After we stopped being together, I don't think a phone is needed again.

Maybe it's okay to leave it at home. It's okay to turn it silent mode every single day. It's okay to lost it because no one will ever care, no one will even know.

Holycow

:(

Have you ever thought, how lucky we are... being brought in by the British, causing us to have this chance to meet and know each other...

Damn. How lucky we are, not separated by the sea but just half an hour distance...

I'm fucking lucky, to have fb not banned in our country, giving you a chance to invite me over to your training...

:3

Maybe history is meant to make us feel lucky.

My head hurts. I had a dream. It's about you again. You weren't nice to me at all. Kinda heartbreaking.

I want dreams where you still love me, not these. I want dreams wherw you treat me as yours.

I don't want this. Damn, stop it.
I miss you..

What's best about home alone?
The silence.

But not anymore when stomach starts making noises. Annoying af.

Fuck I think I should stop badminton too. Just one month.

Why is it so fucking hard to study history......
Hey look at the bright side.
It's the fucking last time. Oh gosh absorb please.

Okay. I uninstalled fb. Feel so... gosh. I just swiped my phone looking for that familiar icon and Oh. I think I have an extremely bad habit. Saying "Wtf" too much, to myself when studying history. But seriously! Wtf!! Why are we forced to study all these. Damn it.

Huge realisation.
Yahudi are jews.

..............

I don't get it! What tf had I ever done, to deserve all these shit! So I am short tempered. I deserve, him leaving me, at two fucking weeks before spm. I deserve that fucking extreme mood swings that didn't allow me to concentrate studying. And when I, fortunately can focus for a few times, this fucking asshole pig appears! Why the fuck do I have a sibling which is so fucking inconsiderate!

I had hell. I had every shit. I don't need YOU AND YOUR BITCH FACE to entertain the end of my days. I want to study why cant the world just STFU AND let me!?

I'm just sitting there looking at the book. DOES THAT bothers you!? Do you HAVE TO COME IN while singing "I HATE YOU, YOU HATE ME, WE ARE FUCKER FAMILIES." YES. I hate you, so fucking badly, and i don't need your bitch voice to remind me that shit. Just fuck off my life, dude!

Let me study. Stfu

If I'm allowed to choose, I would like to start seeing you as a friend, I would like to stop loving you because I know we're not possibly gonna have anymore chance.

The thing is, it's not my choice.

I wanna go back. I want you back.
I miss you missing me, I miss you saying that you love me more. I miss you loving me.

I'm so tired of smiling, looking normal, pretending that I'm ok losing you. I'm so tired, I shouted at that bitch and she didn't dare to even make a sound.

I wanna forget spm. Forget everything, and just run into your arms. I want your hugs. I don't want anything else,.

Living is so hard.
You stole my heart and gave me yours, now you took yours back but mine is still deeply attached to you.

Living without a core.

That kills.

Damn, I thought I was damn fucking hungry in school. Half portion filled me up. Eesh what's wrong with my appetite. Can someone's stomach actually shrink?

Made few decisions, stop all instruments but training.... I'll just go as usual. Damn, our spm seat. There's this girl who always had the highest marks for English. She's so gonna screw me up.

I can't focus.

There's a lot of shit in my head. I'm scared that I can't do well for chemistry. I have super low confidence. Idk wtf is wrong with me, but I'm just worried bout everything. Gosh. I wish we can take the exam and get to know the results a day after. I'm scared that after everything, I go for work and everything, end up I'm not even qualified to go where I want. I'm scared that I relax and when the day comes, I screw up chem. I'm scared of that disappointment that I'm gonna get next year. I don't know how they score so well for everything. I don't know how to do well in bm.

Fuck my life. There's not much time left.

Please please do well. Bringmehome,man.

I'm so tired. Mentally, physically. Still holding on on someone who already let go, making an effort to hope the bond remains, it's so so tiring. It's crazy how a random song can bring everything back to life. So exhausted, in and out, studies, spm, you.

I wanna sleep and never wake up. My goshh. Help.

.

I'm someone's "AUNTY" now omygosh.
Today we visited my cousin and her newborn daughter. She made labor sound so easy, I guess she's just lucky.

It's sad. Everyone's so happy, everyone's smiling, laughing. Today was graduation day too but I didn't attend. I don't want to. Seeing everyone so happy just made me wonder, why is everything so not right in my life.

Yes you could say I have a place to live, have a grandma who always force me to eat and get fat, yes I have too much. Maybe that's why. Things can't be perfect. I was too lucky to have them all, for that nine months.

Maybe we should never let ourselves feel too happy. They never last, as usual. Was too stupid to believe.

Nothinglastsforever.

Shut up and cry

Like I'm gonna lose you, was in hitz just now. I had some response. (Normally Im a robot in front of my sister, as she's so fucking noisy but I'm always memorizing stuff in my head) so yeah. She asked, "Your favorite song?" "No." "His?" "No." "Oh so you're two in one."

No such thing.
"What are you two? Best friends?"
"No."
"Couple?"
"No."
"Then what."
I DON'T KNOW, YOU FUCKING BITCH

"Toothache, please talk to me."
"Shut up and cry."

Ugh

Care

It's not hard to care, to give shit. It's not that hard, if they accept your care.

What if they don't? Do you continue? Two types of care.
One, you do it silently. Far far away, in a safe distance so you know they won't be bothered, they won't even know.
The other one, you tell them. I'm worried about you. I can't stand seeing these anymore, I suggest etc etc.

If they don't accept, do you switch from the second to the first type? That's the only way left.

You. Do you care?
When you explained to me about your status, I was screaming from the inside. You still do, read these. I'm thankful you still do, care. But why do you let me know?

You know me. I expose every single thing here in my blog. You care, but you're not allowing me to do the same. I don't know how are you. I don't know how your day is going. I don't know if you have enough sleep, or when is your next exam week, or if you skipped meals. I don't know anything about you. Are you happy? I don't know.

You're standing from a distance so far away, still bother to know what I'm thinking, by reading my mind here. Thank you, but...

Stop letting me know, if you don't want me to do the same. Stop letting me know that you still do, give shit about what I write here. If gastric developed a hole or anything, if I hate not knowing what is your newly changed status about, just be it. You know it and that's all. Don't tell me.

Do you know how hard it is? Telling myself to leave this aside and live my life without being distracted... one message, your care, could make all the effort go away in just one sec. One message, blew off everything I've told myself. I end up sitting there thinking you still care, you still do, care. You really still care.

What do you want me to do? Change my blog site ?

I don't want to. It's my favourite link of all. Your friends don't give shit? I do, and I'm your friend. I'm your special friend, then. Let me give shit, as a friend. Is that ok? You don't have to think so much. Just let the words fall out. You can tell me anything, anytime.

Let me care, by lending you somewhere to spill. I can't help you but I can listen. Do you get me? Don't push me away.

I dreamed of us still together again. It's wonderful. I wish I can never wake up. Even if it's just a dream, staying there.forever is more than enough.

If there's inception. If people could go into dreams. I'm gonna go and live in one. I'm gonna go and be with you again. I wish you still love me. I wish I can taste your care again.

I was told, if you love someone, properly and deeply, then love never ends. You just store it in your heart like a small seed, and frantically hope that one day, the rains will come again.

If the rains come again...... I'll not let you sacrifice anything for us. Will never allow that to happen. We're all complete. We don't need a partner's sacrifice. We just need each other to make our lives better.

But if the rains never come......
Then you'll be stored, inside here, secretly forever. Even after I die, I'll be with you.

Time to get up!

Study!

Eek. I'm changing the way I study. Idk, maybe cuz spm is the coming Monday, I just have to do something. Guess what? I could possibly study without music, every single sound is distraction. I get you, by "full focus". Muting the phone is a damn good way too. Without my pencil and pillow, with acute straight back. Damn, so hard to even feel sleepy.

Oh btw I guess I'll get fat back in no time. Appetite's better, plus mom got me pringles. I limited myself anyway. At least IF I got sleepy there's this.

Haih
Nerd month, be good.

Damn. I wish every single time I think of you, is the time you think of me too. That'd be awesome. However..

Take care.

Hey.

I'm sure you feel ok to stop badminton, since there's nothing to miss? While I'm missing you here.... I'm sure you felt a release? Having extra free time without me, without badminton? Congrats then.

But I'm sure you still love badminton..

It must be hard, right, to give up this thing you trained so hard for.....

I wish I'm right in front of you. I wish I can just run into your arms and squeeze you and give you my tightest hug ever. I don't know whether you need it or not, but... hey everyone needs hugs, right?

Be strong. I'll never, never ever forget the days we were training mates. You'll always be my favourite badminton President. I'm gonna annoy you when you have long sem breaks, IF I successfully get license.

I wish you all the best.
And if you sneeze in class, it's me,
You might be cursed by those bitches.
But you're missed too, deeply.

I'm still listening to songs while studying, just very extremely low volume. And usually, the same song repeatedly. I played Photograph, by Ed Sheeran.

My sister asked me. Is this his favourite song?
"Do you think every song that I listen to, is his favourite song?? -.- "

My sister then asked me, what type of song is this? Breakup song? I really don't know. I told her, I think it's missing someone's. But then, maybe it's after war making up song. Nah.

"I think it depends on how you feel when you're listening."
"So, you miss him?"

Duh? Stfu.

It can get hard sometimes, but it's only thing that makes us feel alive.
"It hurts because it's growing."

I hate to not know how is your day like. I hate to see you being tagged or you changing statuses while I have no idea what are they about. I hate to see you move on while I haven't.

I hate to always tell myself I've lost the best part of me and it's all my fault. I hate, imagining you and me together but knowing that I had to shake it off because it's it's not gonna happen anymore. I hate to look at the pamelo and the way you stared when I cut. I hate using a highlighter and recall what you made did back there in the dressing room.

I hate to not be part of your life anymore but I want to, so so badly. I want to be part of your life, but I have to tell myself, back off and SHUT the fuck up. I hate to imagine the touch of your hand, the coziness of your hugs, your softness. Yoir everything.

They might say, oh yh you look so much better than last week. They might say, you sound so much better, that's great you two get to stay friends.

I'm dying, inside. I'm dying.

Do you know how badly I have to make myself think it's excited. Plans with friends and everything...

I'm free already, bring me. I'm free from you, I can go anywhere.

I don't want to be free from you.

Please. Let fate bring us back together.
Please, I really hope you could come back after recovering from your injuries. I really need the chance to be with you again.

I need you

Damn, a chat with lychee sure made me super extremely worried about whatever's gonna happen after spm. I thought I'm gonna be practicing, working out, jogging, reading, learning to drive and cook, doing almost all the house chores and research for whatever I really want.

She's almost always serious. I really like the way, we never talked for so damn long in the same school because we weren't in the same class, but still, one short chat made everything came back, and we became friends again.

I'm reminded, we need to work and gain experience to prove our usefulness. Oh gosh it's gonna be competitive. It's gonna be busy.

Life is a pain in the ass. One week.

I can score this shit.

I flipped tru form 4 chem in one day. I always feel that I studied everything, but I just can't recall it after a period of time. Oh guess what? I scored 40^ over 50 for the freaking first time. Heh. Tho I made few careless mistakes.. Hey maybe it's not possible to get an A for chem?

Idk why. Just studying as usual, leaned my head hard to the chair.

I thought of this thing that happened awhile ago. Hahhah we crash landed on the couch and there goes this scary sound that came from my head hitting the wall. You went and took that Ice thingy.. actually, it doesn't hurt so bad, it's just loud!

:) ah memories.
My first instinct was texting you. But ah maybe I should just shut up and text you only when I really should.

Okay. Study.

Mom didn't bring me to introduce me to guys. She pulled me everywhere to introduce me to HER friends, which are old aunties uncles. There's just few people in my age. I agreed to go because of my cousin.

He interviewed me a little, things related to us. I told him, felt much better after Friday night. I smiled while describing. Like seriously. He told me, he wants to know because, he's the one who broke hearts, and I guess he wants to know how his ex's feel. Well? Broken, that's all. He told me he's better off without a gf, because he lose feelings. He said he's better off having one sided crush, to prevent heartbreaks. He said, people get bored easily if there's distance..

I don't understand. Lose feelings? I seriously don't get how people lose feelings. When he asked, when I whispered I do, I pictured our future. I was so excited, starving to experience life with him. Lose feelings? Dude, love towards him grew more and more after spending each day with him.

Am I weird? People said two separated people can't be friends after the break. But I want to be friends with him. Maybe it hurts a little, or much seeing him smiling at the phone in a conversation with someone else. Maybe it hurts a lot, the day he found his next love. Maybe it hurts a lot a lot, during his future wedding and the bride isn't me. But.. why not be friends?

Never let go memories. Maybe that's the reason. People try to forget their past while I'm trying hard to remember. Those were great moments, why forget? Don't throw away our shirt, don't throw away the birthday liittle booklet I made for you, don't throw away the keychain I drew for you when you weren't well. Don't throw away our best moments together. I'll keep them all.

I kept rivergrass's necklace in a little box, and also the connective puzzle. For us, I kept our little photos inside too. I'll never open it up if I don't have to. I keep my feelings towards you, inside my heart. Lose feelings? Years later, if we really never have any chance to meet or anything, I might lose some feelings? However, that might not change the fact that I still wish you to be mine again.

I do, lose feelings. But after losing, I recall the memories and realized, why should I remember one hurtful sentence you said, after all you did for me? Just to be fair, "That's ok." I mind, but I don't. It matters but it's the past.

My sister asked,
"Aren't you supposed to hug your pillows and cry everyday after your breakup?"
"Ha. Ha."

Idiot, if you see that, you'd cry with me, and feel unhelpful. I felt unhelpful when he wasn't well. It sucked.

Let's not bring worries to people.

Maybe something's wrong with me. I googled symptoms. I might have stomach problems. It hurts, now. Left upper part, below ribs, obviously stomach. It's an annoying pain. Loss of appetite, weight loss. Maybe something really is wrong, with my stomach. But that's not enough to die.

I shall ignore it then. Spm, come on, yh. You can do this. Smile,, and study. Yeah. If I have the ability to smile in front of him, why not always smile?

Smile, even when it's unbearable.
Eventually, everything will be fine.

请 不 要 在 我 面 前 说 “前 任”。

I'm ok talking about the happy moments we had, I'm ok talking about how awesome he is, I'm ok to talk about he left me. I'm ok to look at our photos and videos, I'd smile and... look, he's awesome. I'm ok thinking about our conversations, and our hugs our kisses our memories. I'm ok missing him, imagining him snoring so loud and adorably cute. I'm ok continue loving him without having the same treatment back.

I'm not ok when anything or anyone reminds me that, it's because of me that he left. I'm not ok when I'm reminded, I've ruined my own dream future with my idiotic way of living. I'm not ok when you call him "my ex". I'm not ok when you have to tell me, I deserve being left by him. I'm not ok when You remind me that, You emphasis on how suck I am, how terrible I am. I'm not ok to be reminded, he left me because I am me. I'm not ok because, I hate myself, when you remind me of those. I hate myself so much. I love him with all my heart but I'm not qualified to be his lifetime supporting partner. I'm not ok because, I don't have the rights to care about him like I used to. I don't have rights to hold his hand when he's not well on bed. I'm not ok because, I regret for being whatever I've been doing.

I regret. Do not, call him my ex. Call him by his name. Call him "him", and I'd appreciate that.

It hurts to be reminded that he is my "ex". Please, don't. I regret. Do you have to make everything worse? Why? Just, shut up

I stood in the crowd, mom introducing me to all of her friends. She's pulling me everywhere. I feel like fainting. Oh I recognize one if them. There was this charity carnival a while ago, my sis went to help and almost lost her car keys.

She said she recognized me. She said, I look skinnier. I never realized 2 kg could make any difference. Mom said, maybe depression made me lost weight. If depression can inhibit Ghrelin, yeah maybe that's why.

I hate the crowd.
I used to be ok with crowdy areas. Everything just feels different now. I hate to be with many people. All I can do is look at my chemistry book, then look at my phone, and look at our photos.

I miss you, when I'm in the crowd. I miss you whenever I'm breathing. Hell. I'm getting headaches. Let it end, let this feeling end please.

Personalities? It can change too, not that we want or not. Maybe after ten years, I'll be a completely different person from now. Maybe I can't achieve whatever I wanted, and I study what I'm not so interested in. Maybe I can't get credits for two science, and I can't study in whatever pre-u I wanted. It's still hell. A week before the exam, why?

Why this time?

I have to stop thinking about you, about all the wonderful memories, about your smile, your laugh, you. You're just too perfect to be forgotten.

I thought I was ok. A soft epilogue, made me feel much better. Now my parents and I talked about it, I realised I can't talk about it without crying my eyes off.

Lucky I'm now at the back of the car. Lucky.

It's all my fault.
They said I took a lot of your time.

Yeah. They're right. I lost the best part of me, which is you. I'm such an idiot.

I'm sorry that I didn't fully appreciate the way you love.. And I'm an idiot to only realize it when it's too late. I'm a fucking idiot. Yeah. You're too good for me. I don't deserve you.

I usually say I don't regret anything. I regret, now, I regret for not being a perfect supporter that you deserve.

I wish us, friends.

Wood?

Smh I feel that leaving you is the best thing I can do for you. Doesn't matter if love is still there, doesn't matter if it's about us wanting to keep staying for each other......

It kinda hurts, to know about how hard your life is... thank you that you prioritized me. It's time to do everything else, replacing that time you've gave me... I hope you stop training, do whatever's best for you. I hope you stop straining yourself and recover from those injuries you had because of over pushing yourself.. I hope you get rid of whatever that hurts you..

Yeah you got rid of me. Get rid of badminton!

I really wish you well, healthy and fine... well.. maybe without badminton, I can't check on you weekly.. but nah, never mind, once a friend, always' a friend. Just like them, fruit friends, rivergrass, prefect friend. We never met or talked much, but.. deep down we know, and we care about each other.

I wish you well. I'm gonna miss your mother's smile too, hahaa... I still hope you could tell me when is your dad's birthday... hmph.

Naughty wood

Hey.

I thought my existence is supposed to make your life better, to give extra support. Who knows, you never told me about whatever you're facing. You told me you're leaving me because we both suffered. I think I'm sure now, that I'm not the one you want......

Yesterday, before I tried to study, I tapped in fb just to take a look, and I saw that photo your mom tagged you in. It aches a lot, a lot. Like a looot, to see you smiling happily, and I don't even know that you have this thing on that day. I needed an answer from you, whether you still have hope or not, because I feel like I'm blindly hoping for us to be back to normal while you're over there smiling, living a life like you're pretty damn fine without me. I needed to know if I have to move on or keep trying.

From your responses, I think I'm sure, you don't want me anymore. Okay.... I understand. Work is more important. I will stop bothering you. I'll stop the morning& goodnight texts, I'll stop telling you that I miss you. I'll stop telling you how much I want you with me. I wish you, happy. Just so you know......
I love you.

I'll stop showing that I care, if that's what you want. You'll always be the best part of me, which is already gone... I wish you remember the best moments we had together. I'll remember them too.

Please,
Take good care of yourself, and NEVER LET the fucking mosquitoes bite you anymore. Okay? Be safe, healthy, and fine...... don't skip meals, don't stay up until that late, remember to rest!

Thank you that you loved me..
You'll always be my motivation.

I guess that's it.

Remember,
I'll wait for you.

I fell for you, you hammered my walls and kept hammering until my insecurities disappeared. You loved me wildly, fiercely, and you kissed my bruises until I fall in love with their existence. You asked me everything about myself, from day to night, we had our first kiss, the first I realised that love exists. You stained in my memories, sometimes I found that in more than one ways, I'm a little like you.

I was told to remember, that people like you never leave, even after leaving.

We both suffered. I thought climbing back up after each fight was worth it. I think, one day, I might give up too.

We could be good friends.

Just remember, okay?

At the moment you figured you want me back, please just turn around and realize, you never lost me. I'll just wait quietly from now on.

Most of the times, sitting at the passenger seat while my sister drives, I feel like my life is in danger. Every Wednesday, I usually put the guitar at my feet, vertically, and let it lean on my chest.

I think I'm getting good at imagining dying in car accidents. That recklessness. One day she might hit the car in front. The whole front of the car is gonna crush against us. Then maybe the guitar push against me and crash my ribs. That'd be painful. Maybe that's how I end it.

Ah but I would prefer dying having diseases. At least a period of time is given, to say goodbye. I'm happy whatever's in my life existed.

I'd leave the world without regrets.
I wonder when will be that day.

I'm done

I feel like dying.

I just can't study. What's the point? I'll be autopilot. It doesn't matter what I study in the future. It doesn't matter I like it or not. I won't like it anyway. So how does it matter if I score well or not? Maybe I'll just go back to music. I have a feeling I'm not gonna live long. I don't deserve to have a life.

I've forgotten how to appreciate the opportunity to live.. I'm enough of this world.

I wish I can give someone, this opportunity that I have. I wish I can give it to someone who knows how to appreciate it more than I do.

It's just a world which is getting screwed by humans, the world need less of us. When I'm gone, I'm doing a favor for the world. Yeah.

If there's hunger games, I'd volunteer.
Everything looks colourless, grey and black.

If there's six months for me to live, I'd request to end it immediately. I'm done.

Grandma was getting fed up with my becoming-small-appetite. You know... old people just wanna see you eat. Hey but seriously! Have no idea if it's related to this depression shit or what.

I smell food and I'm just done. You can use the fucking smell to feed me and I'll feel ok with it. Ghrelin right? Something inhibited the secretion of it.

Maybe my appetite left me when you did.

"Time takes the time time takes."
I love the sound of your laughs. We'll find our way back to each other. And when we did, we could laugh together again. Maybe, that me who used to crave for food will return too.

It aches, a lot a lot, like. A loooot. Whenever I thought of that after all we've been through, you could possibly delete every photo of us, like I never existed, like we never been together before. Conversations..

Even tho I don't usually look back old conversations, but delete? I'll never do that. Tho I'm not quite sure if you really deleted them... haiz.

I kept telling myself, he might have let go. But, he won't completely lose hope in us. As long as I love, as long as my heart stays with him. He won't. Makinv myself believing in that kept me going. Listening to the voice clips of him telling me "I love you, goodnight!" Kept me believing.

We can learn to love again.
Just don't lose hope, yh.

He still cares, I know that.

I'm not sure if you still read my blog. I'm hoping you do. I'm doing here, just to bother you less. You're busy, I know, I know.

Add oil! :* 

Food? No

I don't understand my extreme loss of appetite. Umm. I skipped only few meals? Most of the lunches are replaced with super small amount of maybe.. fruits or just a piece of cake. My mom never let me skip breakfasts, so... -.- but dinners' portion cut down to half.

I'm not cutting down carbohydrate, yip man. Don't worry I won't get ketosis lol.

I'm just staying away from people.
But I lost 2kg that's good news.

Autopilot but keep in shape. Yeah.

Don't worry, I still have lots of fats for you to pinch. I miss you.

当到最后只剩下自己一个人在维持一段感情，别人的几句真的可以杀去很多动力，你的敷衍你的冷漠，更让人沮丧。

那时候我只好重播，你WA过我的音讯。
只好回忆过去，告诉自己，现在所做的一切如果可以挽回你，都是值得的。

所以擦干眼泪，忘了尊严，忘了信念，继续坚持。

我们重新来过 好吗？
我们不要再吵架了 好吗？
我们一起努力 好吗？
不要放弃 好吗 ？

I miss the times I have to figure out if you were coughing or sneezing.. I miss the times you started conversations to ask me eat and get fat.. I miss the times you told me to sleep earlier.. I miss the times you treated me as yours.. I miss you, driving all the way to Ipoh just to be with me.. I miss your smile, your moustachy face, your curly hair, your smell, your kisses, your beautiful hands, you...

I miss you.

We don't have to be this way.. I'm sure you still care, don't you?

Let me go back to you, whatever you did before weren't just for nothing. You've earned my love and loyalty, which only belong to you.

Take care, don't forget to rest and eat...

Oh guess what?
I googled joint weakness and palpitations.
Ps. Palpitations means loud noticeable pulse, which is fucking annoying when you're trying to sleep! I seriously hope it can just STOP BEATING.

"Generalized anxiety disorder"

I read through.
"When to see your doctor?
When you have suicidal thoughts."

Am I supposed to laugh?

Google, are you fucking kidding me

Haiz.

I have high hopes that we would get back together. At the same time, still fucking worried that these might be just my stupid guess..

I really wish you think the same, I wish you feel a little better because I'm not giving up. I wish you hope that we can last too..

People might say that, I can find another one. But you know what? That made me realized, no, you are the one I had been looking for.

They comfort me with
"There are many more good guys out there."
I replied with "I don't need anyone else."

I just need you.

"If you really love someone, even if there are one million reasons to leave, there's still one reason to stay."

Don't say that I have to let go in order to not get hurt anymore. The reason I didn't let go earlier, was I know we will get better. We will.

Please please, hope. Don't let me down. Make it come true and I'll appreciate you even more.
Miss you.

I wanna thank all of you. Supportive people.
Yip man, rivergrass, walah amigoz, prefect friend.
Thank yip man for seriously constantly making me laugh until shit. And walah amigoz fruit friends, thanks for calling me from Australia with that cute funny China-ish tone. I just can't stop crying and laughing at the same time. Thanks prefect friend for the so omg support. I'm serious. I'm ok. And rivergrass. After all these time, you never stopped caring, you're an awesome senpai, and I always loved your advices.

And you. Thanks for allowing us to still talk, and to still be friends. I'm glad you didn't ignore me when I miss you. And when I asked you bout studies and pre u. I'm not giving up, but... if a friend is the most you can be, you'd be an awesome friend, senior, badminton president. I can't delete everything. I lied. Those pictures are still here in my phone. I can't, memories can't be deleted. Don't ask me what's the point. We had awesome moments together, and that's not meant to be deleted.

Jiayou ba.

I'm gonna

I can't believe this.
I lost him. And now I'm eating cheesecake. I'd prefer losing weight than to keep gaining. But two bites and I'm full.

I'm gonna live autopilot, but I'm gonna live it in a nice shape.

I'm gonna make my life busy. I'm gonna work out, run, learn to drive, improve my English, read lots of books, watch horror movies alone, be organized, study really hard, hang out and karaoke to death with my classmates, and never fall in love.

I'll be here if you need me.
I still have faith in us.

Even if cheesecakes, milk and yogurt get me diarrhea, I'll eat a little.
Even if the aircon easily caused my sinuses to go mad, I'll still on it but face somewhere.
Even if we had fights, there will be a solution.

You can't tell me to stop eating what I love, stop feeling aircon, stop loving you. You can't make me do that. There has to be a way.

You blindfolded me. You made me realized that nothing is impossible. You made the impossible possible, we can too.

When you told me you like me, I
Toss and turn, fuck I can't sleep.
I was nervous and too excited.

When you told me dengue positive, I
Toss and turn, fuck I can't sleep.
I was worried. I was sad, I was crying.

When we had fights, you stopped making sure that I'm ok before the day ends.
Toss and turn, fuck I can't sleep.
I dehydrated myself through the eyes.

When you told me you're enough of us. You told me, let's just be friends from now on.
Toss and turn, fuck I can't sleep.
I wanna knock myself till unconscious. I want to rest but I couldn't. There's still hope for spm IF I had enough rest to study more.

You never knew how you could affect someone's life. I told you that I see my cousins my friends' friends breaking up, and I'm scared. You said

As long as you love, I'll always love you.
I told you, I don't even know how to stop.

I hate time for being too short when I'm with you, and too long when we are apart.

I hate your smile and your eyes for it melts my heart when I see it.

I  hate your voice because it echoes in my mind all night after you said goodbye.

But the one I hated the most is myself, I HATE MYSELF for mistreating myself just to love you.

If there's ever a chance someone tells me he loves me like nothing else,

I'm not gonna fall for it.

I had a dream.

It's a suicidal dream. Idk why, but in there I was driving, and not just driving. I drove a motorcycle. I didn't stop when it turned red. I continued to move, while the vehicles in front of me were moving in different direction. It's like I moved forward to let them hit.

But I did not die. Just paralyzed.

I should try jumping off.

The radio likes to torture me, by putting those heartbreaking songs together and make me start blogging. (Shuffled.)
Sharon kwan+Jason chen's saddest duet. Then, Hebe. Hebe is always emotional. Then this. Then, even worse. JJLin's. Fml 

It'll get better.

谁还记得是谁先说…

Screw this shit I can't sleep.
Maybe because of this extremely crazy headache.
Maybe because I kept the radio on.
Maybe because I kept everything on.

I don't want to.

Have you ever watched toy story.. I'm not sure which one. There's this song.
"When She Loved Me"

I always thought why a female singer sang 'When SHE loved me'.

It's a sad song.

But it's really nice go listen!

When both are stretching the rubber band, yeah it's gonna hurt. How about, one side had let go?

When you know that you've lost something that meant everything to you. After all, everything became nothing.

You go downstairs with a cap. Why are you wearing a cap? My hair is messy.

When you want to study but all you can think of is, it's gone.

Can someone tell me how to not feel anything anymore?

I felt like I've been stabbed for many time, beginning to think physically stabbed must be much better. At least before your blood has dried out, the pain will end, and you'll never feel it again.

From now on, I know what to do. I won't kill myself. I'm already dead, how to kill myself?

Stalkers. I'm done blogging.
I might wanna kill my blog like how I did last year. Or maybe post different things. I'll post nice things.

I'm sorry for making few of you worrying that I might kill myself. From now on, worry no more.

I'm ok.