Pay back?

Today I'm writing English. Zzzz too high. Today coach was so disappointing. I do check my phone when there's nothing to do. Many people do. But he was targeting at me. He doesn't let me, even if just a peek, he thinks I'm playing with my phone. Damn. That's normal. Coach is very naive, just like a boy. I knew that for a long time, I don't mess with him. Just now I was stroking with that friend Hxxx, he wanted to play single with me. I said no, not in the mood.

We stroked for awhile, and coach called us to play single. I didn't say a thing but Hxxx told coach that I don't want a match. Coach heard him saying that so he called us to keep stuff, go home. Wtf. Wtf man. He thinks I'm not serious in training. He thinks I just wanna go home. Okay then, I asked Hxxx to explain to him, I never dare to not listen to him. I always do. But he doesn't listen. Man. Is this what I get, for training?

I was mad. Damn mad. He never thought of our feelings. Even if there's a misunderstanding between us, he doesn't listen. Why is he like that. Man. He never knew how hard it is for me to attend so many trainings.

I argued a lot with my sister and my parents for training. They don't like me having so many trainings, but I insist. I wanted to let the coach proud. I want a champion, because I heard that's all he wanted before going back to his own country. Trainings are tough. I chose training in between so many things between so many things. I nearly gave up having good results for training (luckily I didn't). I had many conflicts with my family. I skipped many meals, lunch, breakfast. I can't finish my homework, my librarian duties because of training. I don't have time to practice guitar because of training. I attended guitar classes in such a tiring condition, because of training. I let them all down just because of training.

I don't ask coach for anything. I chose to let him proud, disappointing other teachers. Such a stupid choice. Why did I even did that? I just wanna improve. Why can't coach see it? In his eyes, I'm just lazy, I'm not serious in training. In that case, I'm so giving up. I love badminton, but I can't accept getting that. It's just so...... unfair to my other teachers.

From now on I'll just pay more attention to music. My mom always said that in my eyes, I only care what coach thinks, but now, it's gonna end, cause no matter what I did, what we did, I'm just that lazy fella. So much trainings for what? It's still too late, I'm not gonna succeed catching up the people in my age, I just sucked at it. What for, getting so much conflicts just for training? Jeesh I was out of my mind. I'm sorry coach. I can't do this anymore, letting down other teachers. I should pay back to all those practices that I should've done to them earlier, be fair to them. :) sorry coach.