Over

I removed the necklace.

Just now, I stared at my phone. I hung that little keychain that matches with his, for a very very long time, even when after I gave up. That puzzle keychain. I removed it. It's weird when I pull my phone out from my pocket, but can't feel the puzzle. It's weird that I don't look at the necklace and thought, how lucky I was, and flash back to my fifteen year old birthday, and him, giving me that boniest hug. It's weird that I did not have to swipe and find our photo, to keep that smile on my face and feel glad that at least we were close and feel sad for the whole day.

I don't need to do these anymore. My smile will always be on my face. It's weird. Cuz pineapple wants to meet up. She said, badminton, maybe. I have no idea who to invite. She said his name. I felt weird. Cuz. Idk. Two years liking him, I never regretted. He is nice. I still do, think that he's a great guy, just,, he doesn't think the same way, so I let go. It's been two years. Felt long, felt memorable. But I don't delete memories. Memories can't be deleted, it's a lesson. I still don't feel stupid liking him. I just felt stupid to like deeply. And I let go. Or did I completely let go? What's there to think, missing a puzzle.... it's just a habit. But sometimes his name still do, appear in my head, maybe once in a blue moon. And I have to shake the thoughts away, even tho it's not stupid imaginations, just his name. Does that meant that I am not over yet?

My biggest fear, isn't that. My biggest fear, I'm afraid to lose him even tho he's not even mine to lose. That happened, it was weird. I wouldn't accept a guy if I don't like him, even just trial, no way, it's wrong. I remember rejecting one. I know being rejected hurts. But being with him even if I didn't want him, I wouldn't do that, but I actually trust him, I have confidence in this. Those that I imagined, they're not impossible. 

Sis asked do I like him. I didn't answer her. She asked what are his good and bad things. I couldn't answer. I can't think of a bad thing. Good thing? All parts of him is good. She gave me a wicked smile and stopped interviewing. I never put any hope that you'll like me. I deeply remembered how you said that I'm not suitable for your age. I thought I'm lucky enough to go out with you, I don't consider them as "dates" cuz I know you have your girl. And I always told myself. I have to know my position, keep distance, cuz that lucky girl out there wouldn't like her love to go out with another girl. I didn't put hope on this. I made myself believe that I really like you,  but just as a friend. And those stupid imaginations, I would shake them away, as I thought, never imagine things that's not possibly gonna happen. I thought I would be glad to continue to be with you for one last month, and you'll leave, and everything will turn back to normal. Just me, crushless, empty and studies.

Like second week of the month, you're already all over my head. I think about you too often and I thought, I'm so stupid. It's probably because of the competition, and all of me. You told me the song name, I searched, listened, downloaded, and get addicted. And you appear in my head when I'm listening and learning that piano version of the song. And shake my head. I allow me to do this, because it's your last month. And next year it'll be goodbye.

Things changed. I'm excited for whatever's ahead. But also worried.

The puzzle was made matching to his. But I connected it a few times, it was tight, and getting loose each time it connects. Maybe now it's so loose that it can't hold onto another anymore.