It's not fair! I've freaking played badminton for two years plus! And I was hardworking! Why the heck did I learnt wrong footsteps! Why I got in the training that coaches didn't pay attention to technical problems and only focused on stamina? ?? I'm done! I had enough stamina but everything's still incomplete because I'm not a stabil player! A player without skill and techniques, how to become a really fking skilled player!? Why didn't I quit earlier!
My sister came in with me but she quitted so soon. I hate that I won only one bronze medal without having any proud feelings in me. That only competition that I've got the medal, I felt that I only won it because there were so damn few people! I feel embarrassing talking about it, like, it wasn't my skill that won the medal, I'm just lucky... but my sister? She quitted so soon after we joined training for awhile. She hasn't even reached that standard yet and she'd won a gold medal and two silvers. It's not fair. It's not fair. I hate that she have a gold and two silvers even with her standard. I thought, she didn't deserve them. I'm jealous. Fucking jealous. It's not fair.
She had more opportunities than me. Her batch was allowed to join the competition. But now, the school doesn't even have that competition. It was the head of badminton club. He sucked. He did not do his job well. They say they're supposed to organise it every year. I just want one gold. Last year after crazy full time training, I don't even have that chance. Even if I have, I'm not good enough to get a gold, to proof to coach that I have that standard. This other guy. He was a state player. He said it was easy, cuz he lived in a small state. It wasn't fair. I started two years ago. I should feel so damn great that I have a chance to the school team, to be the best female player in the school, but no, that doesn't proof anything. I just can't. I can't train like that anymore, I'll get worse.
But I can't let it go. I loved and still do, love playing badminton, just why didn't I start earlier? It's not fair. Hey you. I said to you, that I think you're on Phydus. I didn't really mean that... I'm just telling you, you're not really controlled, you still can have your own thoughts, why live like this? Like a mindless zombie? If you're waiting for them to give you freedom, and when you've found that thing that you want to master, you'll feel that, it's too late. It's too late for me to beat people in my age, it's too late to even get a champion. I just dont want you to be like me. I just wanna help you. Take your phydus away, and concentrate on your future. The later you found your answer, the more you'll regret.
The more I noticed that it's too late, I put lesser effort in it, but seeing him so serious, seeing coach teaching all that he could to change my wrong things, I feel bad. I don't wanna quit yet. The outside world, the musical world, it's worse. I've learnt them for so long. But I have to admit, I've never been serious. Only from this year on. Anyways. I just suck. I wanna train hard on badminton, but it's too late. I wanna look more into music, I guess it's also kinda slow progress. I just don't know how to be successful in things. Master of none. Fuck. I love badminton. I love music. I love learning but I really, don't know how to master. I just need to master one of them. .... at least not like now, feeling embarrassed everywhere I go...maybe I should really learn to quit one of them, to master one of them. Which one should I let go eh?
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